First time sex questions/advice.

[Sleepy]

Hi, I’m looking for advice on my first-time experience with vaginal sex. I’m a virgin with an intact hymen, and my partner is also inexperienced. We spent a weekend together and were intimate, but penetration never fully happened. Even though I was aroused and naturally lubricated, the tip could only enter partially and wouldn’t go further. We tried multiple positions, but it was hard to align comfortably. My partner often lost their erection when we shifted from foreplay to penetration. We didn’t have enough proper lubricant, which made insertion harder and caused friction despite using a condom. Interruptions and nerves also made it a little more difficult.

What’s normal for first-time penetration, and how can I safely relax my muscles and make it more comfortable next time? Are there safe ways to prepare or practice? Is it supposed to go in a certain way? I'm so unsure!

[char]

Hi Sleepy, welcome to the boards! ^_^

To answer your question, no, there isn't a "standard" for consensual intercourse or penis-in-vagina sex (which are also the terms we'd like to invite you to start using instead, since "penetration" has a harsher, more forceful connotation as if the person with the vagina has no control over their movements). Unlike what we see in the media, consensual sex is usually filled with a lot of adjusting our positions, asking if doing certain things are okay or not, making jokes, and other things that can be seen as "awkward." Whether it's your first time or your 11th, it's something that's going to happen whenever you have sex. There's also no "right" order of sex: sometimes people will make out and call it a day, for example. It doesn't always have to end in vaginal/anal intercourse.

It sounds like you're already aware that the you and your partner could benefit from more preparation ahead of sex. You've mentioned a lack of lubricant, nerves, and interruptions as things that have made your experience not as good as expected. Is this something you can discuss with your partner? I'll share some of our articles about sex (including intercourse) after this, just so we're on the same page ^^;

[Sleepy]

Thank you for your response. I had no idea that the term penetration was seen that way.

I was hoping for a bit more direct, educational guidance. I’m still unsure how to actually align and insert during penis-in-vagina sex. For example, what angles or positions are best for first-timers, how to know if there’s enough foreplay for the vagina to be ready, and what might cause a partner to lose their erection during the process. For context, our foreplay and general intimacy didn’t feel awkward. We eased into things naturally by doing lighter, nonsexual stuff first, like showering together, so I don’t think nerves or awkwardness were the main issue.

[maille]

Hi there!

I am so glad you feel comfortable seeking support and answers here! I am also glad to hear that you and your partner are easing into things in a way that feels natural for the both of you. That sounds like a great first step into a good sexual encounter.

My advice would be to not reinvent the wheel here, in regards to what is 'advisable' for beginners. Continue to do what feels simple and natural. There is not all encompassing way to tell if a vagina is ready for intercourse or not. Only you will be able to feel that out. It sounds like you have a good understanding of what it means to be naturally lubricated and I would say that is a good indicator of the body getting ready for penis-in-vagina sex. Would you ever consider using another form of lubricant with your partner? We can talk about that more if you are interested.

On the topic of keeping/losing an erection, those things can be evasive when we desire them and persistent when we don't. I will link an advice column on the subject. How can we make sure he stays erect for intercourse?. Let me know if this read gives you any clarity!

[maille]

I try not to double reply, but it did seem like you had some Q's about positioning. This might be a helpful read too! Left Foot, Red, Right Hand, Green: The Deal on Sex Positions

[Sleepy]

Thank you for the kind and helpful response! I really appreciate it; those articles were definitely pretty useful in understanding certain things.

As for lube, I’m not sure what type to use. The ones I’ve tried seem to dry out pretty quickly, which confuses me since I thought lube was supposed to stay wet. I’ve used water-based ones, including KY, but they all seem to have roughly the same issue. Do you know why that might be happening, or if there’s a better type or brand that tends to last longer?

[Anya]

Hi Sleepy,

Yeah, that's one of the drawbacks of water-based lube is that historically they do not stay for all that long. Either you can just reapply when it dries out or alternatively, look for a lube with a different base. (Or try different brands with different compounds). Water is the most common lube base as its the least harmful to your surroundings, but there is also oil based and silicone based.

The general drawback to oil is that it has the potential to break down latex, things like condoms or dental dams, so it is not good for use with latex items. It also has the potential to irritate sentive skin.

With silicone, this one is known to last really long because it won't dry out like water, but it does risk some staining on things like sheets. This one would be a good option if a bit of staining isn't a problem, since you could also designate a towel or blanket for underneath.

Here is an article of ours that goes into deeper detail in the benefits and drawbacks of each of these options and more!

[Heather]

I do also want to add that, sadly, lubes we can get at the drugstore are often the least quality lubes. I do not understand for the life of me why pharmacies like Walgreens and CVS won't carry better lubes, but it really stinks.

If possible, I'd suggest buying your lube from independent sex toy shops or online retailers. Some current brands available in the US that are known for their quality, and also are or offer hybrid lubes (water + silicone) or better water-based lubes (adding things like carrageenan or flax tends to make them stay slippery longer) are: uberlube, Sliquid, pjur, Liquid Silk, and Sutil, though that's not an exhaustive list.