I hate my sexuality & don’t know how to feel better about it

[rapidlongitude]

I thought I was lesbian, but I’m now realising that I am bisexual. I can look at pictures of men’s bodies, porn with men in it, and have sexual fantasies about men and enjoy it.

But I’m so so sad about this. I hate that I am attracted to men and not just women. I feel so happy imagining relationships with women, but I feel doom and dread when I imagine the same with men. But I can’t ignore that I do respond sexually to men.

I know that I don’t have to date men, that I can just focus on my attraction to women and ignore the rest. I know that intellectually. I also know that relationships with men aren’t bad, and that people can be very happy in them. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to men. But I am still so devastated, depressed and have this self-hatred about being attracted to men.

Every time I feel it, I feel so hopeless. I am okay when it is just in the realm of fantasy, but when I think about actually doing anything sexual with a man in my real life I feel so disgusted and repulsed. This seems lesbian, but it can’t be, it must be bisexual since I can fantasise about and feel sexually turned on by the thought of men and their bodies.

I also know that I don’t need to pick any of these labels, my overwhelming sadness is just about the way that I am. I know it can’t change and I don’t know how to deal with it. I just wish I was a straightforward lesbian who just wanted to have sex with women and had no thoughts about men. But that’s just not my sexual orientation, and I can’t change it and I don’t know how I’m ever going to feel okay about being bisexual. I know I need to accept it. But I don’t know how.

I never want to have a relationship with a man in my real life, it’s not something I want to pursue right now, but given I can feel attraction to their bodies in erotic art, porn etc. I can’t discount that I will feel sexual attraction to a man at some point in my daily life or that I will one day fall in love with one.

I just hate my sexuality and I don’t know what to do about it. I keep waiting for the feeling to go away and it hasn’t. I have been struggling with this since mid-August now.

Sorry that is is very doom and gloom, I am aware it is not a helpful way to think, but it is genuinely how I feel at the moment. I keep trying to talk positively to myself and say it’s okay to be attracted to men there’s nothing wrong with it, you don’t have to be with them, it’s choice etc, so that I can accept it. But the feeling of ‘accepting’ that I am this way, it’s okay and I can’t change it just leaves me depressed and sad about it. Not sure what to do.

[Sofi]

Hi there! I'm sorry you've been feeling so troubled by all this. Sexuality can be a very confusing thing, and it's not uncommon for people to feel like they don't like what they want to like. As you said, you don't have to ever act on this attraction. It's also normal for people to be, for example, bisexual but homoromantic - that could be the case here, if your attraction for men is purely physical but you only experience romantic feelings for women. Regardless, the label is up to you, and many of us opt for 'queer' rather than something like bisexual or pansexual. That is an umbrella term you could use if it feels more comfortable - or, you know, you don't need to use any labels at all!

I'm wondering what's the best way we can support you right now. Do you want to talk about how to accept yourself the way you are, or about the depression you're feeling around this, or something else?

[rapidlongitude]

It's also normal for people to be, for example, bisexual but homoromantic - that could be the case here, if your attraction for men is purely physical but you only experience romantic feelings for women. Regardless, the label is up to you, and many of us opt for 'queer' rather than something like bisexual or pansexual. That is an umbrella term you could use if it feels more comfortable - or, you know, you don't need to use any labels at all!

Hi Sofi, thank you for your response. I am aware of the options for labels or going unlabelled. While I am upset about the label, I am more upset about not being the way I want to be, that is my primary upset at the moment. Nothing really feels right anymore.

I am aware of things like homoromantic bisexual, however I still feel confused and like this doesn’t fit, since I feel like bisexuals actually enjoy being attracted to men, doing relationships with them and have urges to be with them? This is part of why I am so confused and distressed by myself. Why can I feel fine fantasising about men sexually, and getting off to them on my own, but feel so overwhelmingly sad, panicked and stressed when I think about actually doing all of this? Am I just afraid of men and so having this reaction? Am I repressing my attraction, and if I let go of fear etc I will feel better?

I just don’t understand why I am doing this all backwards, not like other women who are fine with being attracted to men but feel shame about attraction to women. I feel sad thinking that this reaction is just coming from a fear response and that one day I will be fine dating or having sex with men.

I don’t understand this. Why doesn’t my sexuality match up mentally and physically. I feel so alone in this experience. I feel like a lesbian who’s trapped experiencing attraction to men . But I feel like I must just be a bisexual who’s repressing her attraction to men, due to fear. The fear response is the only logical conclusion is can come up with. This is all why I said I hate my sexuality, because the discordance is causing me so much pain.

I'm wondering what's the best way we can support you right now. Do you want to talk about how to accept yourself the way you are, or about the depression you're feeling around this, or something else?

To answer your question, I made this post mostly to vent and feel some emotional support. I just feel so alone and confused about this. There are no resources on how to deal with this. They are all for people who hate being gay, which makes sense as that’s the result of homophobia. It feels confusing because I don’t know if I should try harder to accept this and embrace the attraction to men (which makes me uncomfortable and sad, but perhaps embracing it will make this feeling go away?) or if this is a bad idea because I am lesbian and that would be forcing myself. I don’t know, I feel like accepting myself the way I am is probably the right way to go about this, but I don’t know how I’m ever going to do that. I can’t imagine myself ever being happy about being attracted to men, or enjoying it.

Sorry this is not very clear, I also am not sure how to help me lol. I feel like this is such a confusing/weird and unusual situation, so I don’t blame anyone for not knowing how to help. Like what even is this I wish I was just a normal lesbian, with no sexual reaction to men, who’s mental and physical sense of self matched up, so I could stop feeling so terrible.

I am seeing a psychologist for the depression, and I have spoken to her about this, so I don’t need psychological support from Scarleteen.

[mikky]

Rapidlongitude,

It doesn’t seem like the reassurances of getting to choose what you do regardless of what attractions might exist are not hitting for you right now, so I won’t go into that too much more. But of course, what we might find arousing or attractive does not necessarily equate to part of our identity. And, like we’ve discussed, you really never have to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with a man if you don’t want to- even if you find them attractive.

But that’s not really the point here- I think you know that, but it’s the general feeling of mismatch that is distressing.

As for how unusual this is, I’ve had very similar experiences before, and I am sure many others have too. I had a girlfriend from when I was 16 to 19. I have OCD, which for me has manifested as a relationship subtype and a sexual orientation subtype, so I wasn’t not thinking about my sexuality that whole time, but being in the relationship gave me some security/constant reassurance and comfort that I didn’t need to think about the ways I was or wasn’t attracted to men. Just before and after we broke up, it was suddenly something I was thinking about a LOT, especially because I was around new people, including many men that I really liked. And then one of those men starting flirting with me (new for me to experience) and I spiraled hard. Because what did it mean about who I was if I had this unwanted attraction that was also kind of wanted? Did I want it? How could I know for sure that I did or didn’t? Was I bisexual, even though I didn’t want to be? Was I just repressing my attraction to men? I took it all in a weird way and ended up going on a date with a man just to turn around after and pretend like it was his bad for not knowing I was a lesbian (UNCOOL, MIKKY). And to be honest, I was afraid of men. There were so many reasons I was afraid of men, and I don't think that's an invalid reaction for many of us to have, even if it is broad.

All that to say, I get it.

Have other experiences like this- things about identity- triggered big feelings for you before? How else are things going in your world right now?

While I don’t think that letting go of fear is really the answer (or even an option) for you, but I do think some acceptance of yourself could go a long way. So much of this world caters to/orbits around men. They will be a-okay if you never pursue relationships with them. And that panicky, stressy, sad reaction to imagining being with men is a pretty good indicator that it isn’t something you want actualized. But acceptance doesn’t mean any action toward that, necessarily. What if you gave yourself a break from trying to know what you really feel/want, and just see what floats in?

[rapidlongitude]

Have other experiences like this- things about identity- triggered big feelings for you before? How else are things going in your world right now?

No I have never experienced something like this before. I have experienced anxiety and depression, but this is different. I’ve never felt such wrongness in myself and who I am, and felt so sad that I can’t change it . I’m not used to feeling this level of unhappiness with who I am and feeling like I can’t ever change it.

I had a lot of upheaval in mid-August, and I’ve had a stressful year generally, which I think in mid-August triggered me to fall in this state. I haven’t been depressed or anxious like this since highschool.

I was actually worried that this was OCD developing, because it was more intense than anything I’ve experienced before and the only other person who’s posts exactly fit how I feel was someone with SO-OCD. This became its own spiral. But my psychologist did some tests and doesn’t think it is, she says it’s an acute manifestation of my anxiety due to all the changes and my autism playing a part as well. I really don’t want this to be OCD, because I don’t know if I can handle another mental illness (I know Scarleteen is not equipped to address mental health stuff so I am mostly putting this here FYI, I am aware that this is not the purpose of the resource)

What if you gave yourself a break from trying to know what you really feel/want, and just see what floats in?

I don’t know how to do this. At the moment I feel very convinced that I am bisexual, due to feelings I have had in real life for girls, and due the fact that I can look at pictures of men’s bodies, porn with men in it, and have sexual fantasies about men and enjoy it. It’s hard for me to see how I can be something else, even though I truly wish I were lesbian. I am aware that I’m still young and haven’t really explored my sexuality ‘properly’ like having sex/relationships with men (I’ve had relationships but not sex with women), and I rarely experience the urge to have sex with someone (only happened once/twice in the last month with my female friend), so I am mostly going off what I feel internally, and sexual fantasises and reactions to erotic content, which I’m aware are not necessarily indicative of anything.

Even writing this all out I am aware that this is not useful and that I am overthinking/should stop this and embrace uncertainty and let things happen.

I have before tried to embrace uncertainty, and that I can’t know for sure what my sexuality is, but I just can’t get back to the good feelings I had before mid-August about myself and who I am. I either feel anxious because I don’t know the answer (which means I could possibly be attracted to men, which is a distressing experience) or depressed because I know the answer and it’s not what I want (I am attracted to men, I can’t change this and I am stuck with this distressing and discordant feeling).

I have had little pockets of relief where I feel certain I am lesbian and I feel okay, or where I stop worrying about my sexuality because I feel certain I’m not attracted to men, but these now feel like delusion. Not sure I can go back to that after this weekend when I’ve realised that yes, I am and have been drawn to erotic images of men and I primarily sexually fantasise about men and consume erotic content about them.

I am not trying to be combative and I am genuinely appreciative of your response/advice and will try to relax and stopping thinking about this, but I am bringing this all up to demonstrate that I find it very hard and am not sure the steps to take to achieve that state of mind. I often in the last 2 months have been telling myself to not think about it, that it’s not helpful, that whatever I am is fine, that I don’t need to worry about being attracted to men, but then I just feel this enduring sadness about being or potentially being attracted to men.

Anyway sorry I am rambling. I am aware this is probably quite heavy/complex and perhaps not what Scarleteen is set up for so apologies if I am mis-using the resource.

[lilikoi]

Hi rapidlongitude!

Comfort in your sexuality is definitely up our alley! I appreciate you posting something here because anyone else struggling with this will benefit from hearing about your experience.

To support your goal to stop thinking too hard about this, have you tried any mindfulness activities before? This could be something your therapist might know more about. Meditation or general mindfulness has helped me relax my anxieties but it usually takes some extended practice to feel the effects. If the overthinking is related to your anxiety, I do think the most effective solution will be managing your anxiety rather than intellectualizing about attraction. Like you mentioned, that might not be helpful right now.

Does that sound like I am on the right track? If so, is there anything else you want support for right now?

[rapidlongitude]

Hi there,

I am seeing my psychologist today, so she can help me with the anxiety.

I hope it is okay to vent and talk about some confusion/frustrations I have with the concept of sexuality and how I feel I’ve misunderstood it.

I feel like because I’m autistic and either a late bloomer or on the asexual spectrum I have completely misunderstood the concept of sexuality and now am experiencing this deep distress because of it. I am now realising that everybody else during puberty experienced strong sexual urges towards others in real life that prompt them to figure out their sexuality. I didn’t realise this before because it didn’t occur to me that my experience of low urge to have sex was different from everyone else.

I think I had a mild perturbed feeling at the idea of having sex with a man (this has grown over the years) and was more open in my head to the idea of having sex with women (this sounded more appealing) and so because of that I thought I must be lesbian (of course I also had romantic feelings for women but also now realising this is not always paired with sexual feelings). I didn’t realise this is not how other people experience sexual urges.

I am realising now that there are many reasons why someone might be perturbed about the idea of having sex with men, but may still be attracted to them. Someone may also think that sex with a woman sounds more appealing but might not actually enjoy it when they try it. Since I never wanted to have sex with men in real life, it never registered to me that looking at the image of a man’s body and feeling turned on, despite not wanting to have sex with him, is probably attraction.

I am realising all of this now and I think because of my autism I am feeling so distressed at realising sexuality/sexual urges are not a choice, not something that can change, and that I might at some point have the urge to have a sex with a man and that I have no control over whether I experience that or not (to be clear I know that I have choice over my actions, but I don’t have a choice over my feelings or what I’m drawn to sexually).

I thought I had my sexuality all figured out and was happy with it, but I’m now realising at 21 that I actually haven’t figured out anything. I’m literally at square one, where my sexuality could be anything, I could develop sexual urges about anything. It doesn’t matter what I think/feel in my head, the feeling/urge in your body is different.

I feel so jealous of other people whose sexuality is so straight forward and easy because they are able to look at someone and feel like they want to have sex with that person.

I felt so relieved and happy when I identified as a lesbian, because I thought I had figured out I would only have romantic/sexual feelings for women, and it felt so freeing to think that I would never have sexual/romantic feelings for men. But I realise now that nothing guarantees I will never have sexual/romantic feelings for men, especially not intellectually deciding in my head that I’m a lesbian.

Plenty of people have sexual urges/kinks that they find pleasurable but aren’t happy about it. I didn’t know that before, and I never understood sexual urges, bc outside of masturbation (which I have always enjoyed) I never really understood those.

[maille]

Hope it is okay to jump in here, rapidlongitude!

From working with many people here at Scarleteen, I have learned that there are a vast amount of ways someone can experience attraction. I do not want you to feel othered or different here. But still, I understand the idea that an identity you held to be true of yourself is shifting and that can be very unsettling.

I hear you saying

that I might at some point have the urge to have a sex with a man and that I have no control over whether I experience that or not

In this situation, it would make a lot of sense to feel a lack of control. Is that something you are experiencing? If so, how would it feel if we talked a bit about radical acceptance? Is that something you have explored with your psychologist before?

I also want to reassure you that being in your early 20s, or any age for that matter, without a clear cut label is not all that uncommon and is nothing to worry about. Life has no set deadlines or mandatory milestones. Additionally, sexuality can flux throughout our lifetimes.

How do you feel after reading this?

[rapidlongitude]

In this situation, it would make a lot of sense to feel a lack of control. Is that something you are experiencing?

I have not yet experienced attraction/the urge to have sex with a man I know. Only fictional characters or in sexual fantasies or celebrities.

But I am feeling a lack of control yes. I have no control over what my sexual orientation is, it doesn't matter what I want, what makes me feel like me, or what I feel okay with feeling, I will feel sexual feelings for whoever, and I just have to deal with and sit with that feeling, no matter how discordant and upset it makes me feel.

If so, how would it feel if we talked a bit about radical acceptance? Is that something you have explored with your psychologist before?

I have researched this a bit when I was trying to figure out how to fix this. My psychologist mentioned that we will work on this once I am less elevated. I have tried to do some radical acceptance work. Like I said above I have tried to accept uncertainty and tell myself things like the following:

I might never have 100% certainty about my sexuality and thats okay
I might be bisexual or straight or lesbian, but I don't need to worry about that, whatever I am is okay
I don't need to fix or solve this, whatever I am is okay
Maybe I am bisexual/straight. That's fine

Not sure what result its meant to have. I end up feeling very depressed that I might experience uncertainty forever. Or I end up depressed that I could be bisexual or straight. It think with radical acceptance, you probably have to fully accept that any outcome is okay, but I'm finding it hard to actually, fully in my heart accept that being bisexual or straight is okay. It put me into depression/despair to think that I might be stuck experiencing attraction to men, or stuck being a sexual orientation that I don't want/doesn't feel like me. Pretty sure I must be doing it wrong.

I know need to accept that I could be bisexual or straight and thats okay. Or accept that I might not have the answers and thats okay. But I don't know how to accept that. I'm so scared to be bisexual or straight and feel so much distress about it, even though I know its a stupid thing to fear and not a big deal. The people who are important to me wouldn't care. People can have good relationships with men. I don't know.

Additionally, sexuality can flux throughout our lifetimes. How do you feel after reading this?

Not good. I know that sexuality is fluid and that that is a neutral fact. It is illogical to feel upset about it but I am. There is already so much change in life, it is so distressing to think that you can be so sure of something and it can change or be taken away at any moment. I get so sad/scared when I read about women who identify as lesbians for 40+ years and then suddenly fall in love with a man. Or read about the bi-cycle and how it changes for some people always.

I don't understand how people with fluid sexualities are able to cope with it and don't feel upset/unstable/un-settled in their identity 24/7. How do they ever experience security in who they are. I know probably they just don't feel as distressed by change as I do. Or they like having a fluid sexuality, and enjoy having relationships with all kinds of people.

Sorry. Know I'm being illogical. Please let me know if this is the wrong place to post these feelings or seek support. I know I'm not taking in the advice well.

I wish I'd never come out. I've never thought or felt this before, because I always felt like it was such a blessing, but I wish I never realised I might be queer. Then at least I could have avoided this terrible backwards walk of whether I'm attracted to men or not. I feel so wrong in myself. I don't feel any goodness about who I am anymore.

[Latha]

Hi there, Rapidlongitude

I'm sorry this conflict has left you feeling so awful about yourself. It is clear to me that you are taking in our advice, and that you are trying to internalize it--this subject is just stressful for you, and that isn't your fault. We'll let you know if we can't help with something, and we'll do our best to direct you to someone who can help, but we don't mind the fact that you need support. It's what we're here for.

When you're feeling unsure in one way, it can sometimes help to focus on things that feel more steady. What are some things in your life that make you feel secure?

You mentioned that you had a stressful year, and a lot of upheaval in August. Has life settled down since then? Are there any changes that would make you feel more comfortable?

[rapidlongitude]

You mentioned that you had a stressful year, and a lot of upheaval in August. Has life settled down since then? Are there any changes that would make you feel more comfortable?

I'm a bit sad, because I've pulled back on everything in an effort to make this better. I have less work shifts, and my semester is over. Most of my commitments are done, and I have time to rest. I have been going to see friends, going outside, walking, going in the sun etc. Life has settled down for sure. I know its only been a week, but I am so sad and upset that I am still feeling this way. I just want to feel okay with my sexuality again. I don't know when this will end. I don't know what other changes I can make to feel more comfortable, I feel like I've done so much already, all the things you're supposed to do to improve your mood when you feel this way.

I just wish I could've been like everyone else and had the urge to have sex with people during adolescence, then I wouldn't be going through this pain and confusion.

What are some things in your life that make you feel secure?

Pretty much everything else in my life now is secure. I have passed my subjects this semester. I get along with my family. I have a secure living situation. By all accounts my life is great, but I am still so depressed about my sexuality. I feel like now I've had all these realisations about my sexuality I can't go back to the feeling of security and certainty I had before. I don't know. I feel a bit sad and defeated about it. Don't know why I can't be like other people and feel okay with not knowing, or feel okay just exploring.

sorry to share such a negative and not great update

[char]

Hi rapidlongitude,

I've read this convo you've had with the other volunteers, and I'm sorry that you've been having a rough time. As always, this is a space where you can share your thoughts and feelings, even if they're not all sunshine and rainbows.

This part of your reply from a few days ago (November 2) jumps out to me:

I don't understand how people with fluid sexualities are able to cope with it and don't feel upset/unstable/un-settled in their identity 24/7. How do they ever experience security in who they are. I know probably they just don't feel as distressed by change as I do. Or they like having a fluid sexuality, and enjoy having relationships with all kinds of people.

Maybe this is more of a rhetorical question from you, but this makes me wonder if reading (or talking to) other people's experiences with having a fluid sexuality could help you feel less alone, if not outright better. After all, the only constant thing in life is change, and I don't think it's unwise to assume that these people probably had moments where they feel distressed a lot more than they seem to be now. Whenever those moments came, how did they deal with it? Were they mostly alone when dealing with it, or were others there for them? Do you think this would be a good idea to try if you haven't?

Our stories aren't exactly the same, but I'd felt uneasy about my bisexuality, too; in my case, I used the term to describe myself because I did recognize my attraction in those whose gender identity-presentation are like mine and aren't like mine. But over the years, I felt like my reality was much more complex than that; there are certain folks who I just simply do not want to date regardless of physical attraction, and to me the term "bisexual" no longer describes that. After some reflecting (read: ranting on my phone's notes app), which did take on-and-off thinking for years, I've decided that using the word "queer" to describe my experience helps a lot with my uneasiness. Maybe simply using a different label isn't for you--and that's okay--but I hope by sharing this story that I can let you know that this discomfort, as well as this rollercoaster journey of discovering who we are, is very common.

Also, not sure how helpful this is, but I'd like to share this classic 6-word quote: it's okay not to be okay. Not in the sense that you shouldn't get the support you need of course, but in the sense that your sadness, frustration, fears, and worries are heard. As Latha has shared, you've been having a rough time with this issue, and that's completely understandable. You've been talking to your psychologist and to us here on Scarleteen, which is great, because you're currently processing your emotions. ^_^

[rapidlongitude]

As always, this is a space where you can share your thoughts and feelings, even if they're not all sunshine and rainbows.

Thank you for assuring me of this. I am having a lot of big emotions that I feel I can't get out elsewhere, aside from here, in my notes app and in psychology sessions. So I am grateful I have this space.

It feels like theres very little space or understanding out there for someone who's going through something like me. I feel like few people can understand my devastation that I'm not a lesbian. Which, to be honest, I don't blame them, because logically, it is not something to be upset about. But regardless of knowing this, I still feel my emotions about it deeply.

I feel like because lesbian ---> bisexual means accepting opposite-sex attraction, the societally accepted attraction, most people are confused and find it hard to understand why I might be struggling with this. It's hard to feel this so intensely and then feel stupid for it, or feel like I shouldn't be feeling it. Especially, it's hard to feel so guilty over disliking that I'm attracted to men, when so many lesbians would kill to be able to be attracted to men.

I don't know. I'm basically saying this to say that I feel very alone, and I appreciate having Scarleteen. It is good to get reassurance from staff, as I want to make sure I am not over-using the resource.

This makes me wonder if reading (or talking to) other people's experiences with having a fluid sexuality could help you feel less alone, if not outright better

To be honest, all I have been doing since mid-August has been constantly googling and going on reddit trying to find others who I relate to. I desperately don't want to feel so alone, so I have been constantly looking up others stories. It's very hard because when I identified as 'lesbian' I felt understood and that my experiences where similar to a group, and that there was a bunch of people who got me, which they did.

But bisexual and queer identity is so broad that I deeply don't relate to a lot of what other people experience. My experience of my sexuality is now so singular that I just need to stand on my own, and understand it on my own. It's hard to have to stand alone and figure out something extremely personal and know it may never fit in a box, and that I may always have an understanding of my sexuality that is different from everybody else. It's hard to think that I won't feel truly or fully seen by others. I know this is probably just something I have to deal with and get used to, but I still feel such deep sadness about it.

To answer the question of if reading about it makes me feel better, not in the last two weeks. There is no one out there who is fully experiencing what I'm experiencing, I can relate to bits and pieces of what people are going through, but I am alone in my singular experience. Which, obviously I am, everyone is. But I am still inexplicably upset by this. Probably the answer is comfort will come with time. But I'm so sad about my sexuality and just want this period to be over.

Whenever those moments came, how did they deal with it? Were they mostly alone when dealing with it, or were others there for them? Do you think this would be a good idea to try if you haven't?

I have been reading a lot about women who've had a significant shift in their sexual identity. To be honest I don't know how much it's helping. Like I said, there are moments when I relate to what someone has said, and that feels good, but then I feel alone because there are still parts of me that they don't understand.

It is especially hard to read about people who haven't struggled that much about it. I don't understand them, or how they are able to be that way. I wish I could be like them but don't know how.

I've made some posts online about how to accept being bisexual instead of lesbian. Some women who've gone through the same thing have replied with things to do, which is helpful, like try and write down your negative thoughts about bisexuality and men and try to challenge those thoughts. But they also said it took them years to feel comfortable with it, and some said they still don't feel comfortable with it. I feel a bit sad and defeated that this could last years.

Which it probably will, because the only way I'll be able to have more clarity on my sexuality is by exploring it, having relationships with other people etc, and for me that will probably take years, since I am so slow to develop feelings or feel interest in others.

It's hard to read about people feeling distressed over fluid sexualities because they don't often update their post, so I don't know how they've handled it years on. Or, they don't have the answers and don't know how to feel comfortable with it. It makes me worried I will just be in this state of discordance and discomfort for a long time.

Especially its hard, because when I've been reading about women with fluid sexualities, I don't think they experience the visceral disgust and aversion I have when I think about having a relationship with a man. This is the part that I've found difficult to find others talk about/relate to. Mostly when I've been reading, these people are finding joy in it, because they have met someone (a man) that they connect to. It's very very hard for me to relate to this. And in fact it is my nightmare scenario lmfao (I know this is illogical because in this scenario he is the perfect man and I connect to him deeply).

I know this post is already too long, but I just want to vent a bit and get this out there.

I feel so sad because I feel stuck in a sexuality limbo where I can't be happy with any gender in any way.

The main thing I sexually fantasise about is topping feminine men which I find hot partially because they are men, and I mainly consume erotic material about men. Most of my celebrity crushes are men (Hu Yetao, Yuzuru Hanyu) and I feel genuine attraction to fictional men. I can gush over become attached to these figures in a way I don't for female celebrities or characters (Not sure why it's not the same). I can look at images or videos of men and their bodies and feel turned on.

But I feel this visceral disgust and aversion when I think about relationships with men, as well as fear/doom and feeling trapped. I have cried so many times over the thought of being in a relationship with a man in any way. So even if I ever get attracted to a man in real life I won't be capable of getting with him ever, because I won't feel good, and also it wouldn't be fair to him to be with someone who feels so negatively about it.

Even when I try to imagine a relationship with a man that feels okay or good, there are so many conditions for me to feel at least comfortable and I feel like it would be so restrictive/unfair to him. He has to look feminine or like a girl, I don't really want to kiss him, I find any other sexual act aside from pegging him either just uninteresting/unappealing (handjob) to downright disgusting and repulsive (PIV, oral), I don't really want him to touch me that much, I kind of cringe imagining it, etc.

I find it hard to imagine being that emotionally vulnerable to him or being able to give him that much physical affection.

I also just think that women are more beautiful than men objectively, which would also be unfair to him. It's sad for your partner to think you're hot but not beautiful, not be able to look at your face and think it's the most beautiful thing ever. The whole time I'm with him I think I would wish he were a woman instead, or wish I had feelings for girl instead.

I dream about being in a relationship with a woman, I have for a long time. I think women are so beautiful and I love looking at them. I've felt romantic feelings and the feeling of wanting to be close, to cuddle, to be near a girl. When I imagine a future with a wife or girlfriend I feel so happy. I feel excited when I think about dating a girl. I can imagine kissing her, holding her. I like feeling attractive to girls. I look at sapphic couples online or on the street and feel so envious of what they have and yearn for the same for me. Sapphic love is so beautiful to me. I look at pictures of me with a past-crush where we look like a couple and yearn.

But I don't feel strong sexual attraction to women. I can think about sex with a woman and feel favourable toward it, much more than thinking about sex with a man, but thinking about it isn't an immediate turn on. I can't look at a woman and feel like I want to have sex with her. I don't really feel connected to sapphic romance stories when I've tried to read them, and I'm very picky with sapphic erotic content. When I think about two women having sex I sometimes feel turned on but most of the time feel like it's appealing intellectually but don't physically feel turned on. When I look at woman's naked body, I think it looks nice, and I like looking at it, more than looking at men's bodies, but I don't immediately feel turned on. It's neutral to me.

I feel so sad that I might not be able to feel the strong erotic love that other women are able to feel for each other. I look at other women who are able to feel strongly sexually attracted to women and feel so jealous of them, that they're able to feel that. I feel like they're so lucky to be able to experience that. I worry that one day I'll try having sex with a woman and just feel nothing. That will be heartbreaking. I don't know if I could get over that.

I'm scared to try dating again because I don't want to discover that I'm actually not capable of romantically and sexually loving a woman. That I've just romanticised sapphic relationships in my head, and demonised heterosexual ones and so can imagine one but not the other, but am not capable of it.

there's more but this is already too long and complicated, and it's hard to express everything I feel

[mikky]

I hope you don’t feel too pressured, by us or anyone else, to shake off this grief. It can just be flat out shitty to navigate learning ourselves. It IS isolating. I know that there can seem to be so much community/camaraderie/togetherness around sexuality, but in truth, we are all solitary in how we experience our own selves. Nobody else carries the specific things I do, but I can connect to certain ideas or stories or approximations. For me, I find that in books and some music.

“It's hard to think that I won't feel truly or fully seen by others. I know this is probably just something I have to deal with and get used to, but I still feel such deep sadness about it.”

I relate to this, so deeply, and I think others do too. I think that has been the core feeling behind so many of my experiences, the aching and desperate ways I’ve hoped to be seen/understood and fallen short. “Dealing with it” doesn’t sound very gentle or kind to yourself. I don’t know when or how long you’ll be feeling these heavy and immense feelings, but I don’t think there’s really a way or sense to rush through them- the same as any grief.

I don’t want to get too much into the way you feel about men because I don’t know that it’s so helpful right now, but you really don’t seem to be attracted to men outside of fantasy. Our fantasies are informative, for sure, but they just aren't everything. And you are giving these fantasies so much say over who you are.

You say, “I worry that one day I'll try having sex with a woman and just feel nothing”, and “I don't want to discover that I'm actually not capable of romantically and sexually loving a woman.”

Love, relationships, and sex can all feel very intimidating from afar. And I believe you that these are real worries. But I don’t know that there’s any evidence here that this would be the outcome. What if you dated and discovered you are capable of loving a woman deeply and immensely? What would it mean if you discovered later in your life that you were "wrong"?

[rapidlongitude]

but in truth, we are all solitary in how we experience our own selves. Nobody else carries the specific things I do

Yes I realise this now. And this experience has been very isolating, it is affirming to hear you say that. I think I never had to confront this solitariness/isolation before, so it’s hitting me extremely hard now.

I hope you don’t feel too pressured, by us or anyone else, to shake off this grief

Haha, I do feel pressure to be honest, because I do feel like this is a silly thing to be upset about. The majority of women/girls are attracted to men, so I feel so frustrated that I’m so devastated about the possibility. It’s ‘normal’. It's frustrating for me to deeply feel that attraction to men/relationships with men etc etc are horrible and for it to cause deep sadness, when I know intellectually that it's completely fine.

But mostly, I feel pressure because I myself want this to be over. This turmoil/grief is affecting my life so much. I have been so so depressed because of this. It’s hard to communicate the effect this has had.

I relate to this, so deeply, and I think others do too. I think that has been the core feeling behind so many of my experiences, the aching and desperate ways I’ve hoped to be seen/understood and fallen short

You articulated it very well. It feels good to hear someone say what you’re feeling. I think this has partially devastated me so much because I’m autistic and feel misunderstood in many ways and isolated.

Lesbian identity was one of the only ways I did feel genuinely understood, especially as it ties into my gender (before my initial questioning I didn’t really know you could be a masculine woman, and it just felt like it fit). I felt like when people looked at me or I said ‘I’m butch lesbian’ I was able to convey and be understood in a way I wasn’t in other areas.

I now feel like I’m losing all of that, which is part of my sadness. I’m losing the comfort, happiness and security from before, and don’t know that I can get it back.

you really don’t seem to be attracted to men outside of fantasy.

Yes I’ve never been sexually attracted to a man outside of fantasy or who isn’t fictional/a celebrity. Or had a crush. When I talk about my attraction to men I mainly mean thirsting over fictional characters, and enjoying looking at erotic art and stories about them.

I think it’s hard for me to understand and process all of this partially because of my rigid autistic thinking. How is it really possible that someone can be attracted to men in fantasy but not in reality?

I was able for the last 4 years accept this and integrate it into my conception of my sexuality because I thought of it as compulsory heterosexuality, but obviously I just misunderstood the concept (comphet doesn’t actually cause sexual fantasies about men or attraction to their bodies, just a misinterpretation of other emotions like admiration or validation as attraction).

I was comfortable when I was able to think of these as just fantasies with no bearing on my actual real life urges or behaviour. I am just very confused as to what lesbianism or bisexuality even is now, or even what sexuality is generally. Is it a lesbian experience to be attracted to men in fantasy/in erotic material but be disgusted by the thought of relationships with them in real life?

I thought previously that if the latter occurs then that must mean you are lesbian, if you are repulsed/averse to romantic and sexual relationships with men and don't want to have them. But then I sometimes see posts by bisexual or lesbian women saying that if you have any attraction to men that means you are bisexual, because sexuality isn't about the choices you make about your relationships, it's about who you are attracted to, romantically and sexually, regardless of if you would choose to have relationships with those people.

It is hard for me to process the possibility that someone can be attracted to men in fantasy but not in reality, because I have realised that these feelings of disgust/repulsion could be a result of many things, not just lesbianism. I feel like this disgust/repulsion is something that straight or bisexual women can feel as well, regardless of attraction to men? I feel like as women in society there are so many reasons to feel disgusted and nauseated by men, and even for a heterosexual woman, there are so many reasons to feel dread, disgust, nausea, doom associated with partnerships with men.

My soul searching in terms of my lesbian identity has often been based on this feeling of dread/doom/disgust when I imagine romantic or sexual relationships with men, but given the way some straight and bisexual women talk about relationships with men idk if this is just a normal feeling for women to have about men generally.

Our fantasies are informative, for sure, but they just aren't everything. And you are giving these fantasies so much say over who you are

Yes I have spoken to my psychologist about this and I know I am giving fantasies a lot of weight. If I look at the real life actual experiences I’ve had, I have only had sexual and romantic feelings towards girls, and never been interested in men/boys.

But since I can look at art of a man or celebrities like Yuzuru Hanyu and feel feelings of sexual attraction, it’s hard not to feel worried about it. I feel like I need to ‘brace’ / prepare myself emotionally or be vigilant for when I finally experience sexual attraction for a man in my real life. It brings me genuine anxiety.

I understand this is not a logical state to be in. This is not something that is guaranteed to happen, nor is it something to be anxious about. But it’s hard for me to feel comfortable and okay when it’s a possibility, especially because of my fantasies and habits in erotic material.

Sorry to have rambled again, I am just now very confused about what sexuality even is. I am using Scarleteen as a place to put my thoughts as I feel perhaps the staff here are more knowledgable about this topic and it is better to put my thoughts here rather than try and google search for the answer.

Also, I have been feeling better recently, and mostly wrote this a few days ago. I saw my psychologist on Monday and was able to feel a bit better.

[amber]

Hi rapidlongitude,

I hope it's ok for me to jump in here! I am glad to hear you are feeling better and also that you are using Scarleteen as a place to ramble/put your thoughts down.

As other have also shared, I wanted to let you know I also relate heavily to the worries you've been experiencing. Although now I pretty comfortably identify as bisexual, I felt a lot of confusion about my sexual attraction to both men and women. I would constantly doubt that either attraction was real. What really struck home with me was your discomfort around imaging a future partnership with a man. For me that stemmed from my discomfort around relationships with men in any capacity. I grew up in a way where all of my closest relationships were with girls/women and so I doubted my capacity to experience a truly deep connection with a man.

On another note, I want to circle back towards your comments on your connection to lesbian identity. I'm wondering if you've read at all about folks understanding Lesbian identity as being both a way to connect to their sexuality as well as their gender. It may not answer any of your current worries, but I think it could be relatable to you.