I feel shitty for not feeling satisfied with my boyfriend

[MistyMoon]

I’m 17 and in my third sexual relationship. I want to start by saying my current bf is amazing in almost every way he treats me incredibly, is so nice, and makes me feel amazing most of the time. I love him a lot even though we’ve only been together for 5 months.

He is my third sexual partner and I’m his second. He says I’m amazing in bed and I always tell him he’s great but I don’t think I actually mean it. When we have sex it really doesn’t feel the same or as good as it did with my past partners. And I think it might be because he’s on the smaller side.

I feel like a vain asshole saying that but his penis is noticeably smaller then both my ex’s and sex just doesn’t feel the same with him. I have always had a bit of a thing for measuring my boyfriends penises so I know for a fact that he is much smaller down there then my 2 ex’s. my first bf was 6 3/4” and my second was just over 7 1/2”, both were also quite girthy. My boyfriend on the other hand is just over 4” and much thinner.

I know people always say size doesn’t matter and I thought I agreed with them but the sex just isn’t as good. Everything else is so much better and I feel so horrible for having these thoughts but I honestly wish my bf had a bigger dick.

I’m sorry if I offend anyone I honestly don’t mean to but I don’t know where else I can get these feelings out. Sex isn’t everything, and maybe it’s my fault things aren’t feeling as good for me but I just need advice or someone to tell me to stop being so ignorant. Idk

[maille]

Hi there and welcome to the boards!

I am glad to hear you are in a kind relationship! There are so many things that can impact quality of sex, besides size. Sex can get better as you and your partner get to know each others' bodies more. You said you are only 5 months in, meaning there is so much left to explore. I encourage you to not compare your partner or yourself to others, especially about things not in our control. It may be that you have a genuine preference for a larger penis. That's okay too. That may mean you need to decide if all the good feeling stuff is worth giving up because of something that a partner can't control, like size.

How do you feel after reading this?

[Heather]

I do also want to add that not only is it okay to have this preference if you have it, but it may be that the preference you have is less for a larger penis and more that if you are engaging in vaginal sex, you want a fuller feeling than you are getting with your boyfriend's penis.

Sex from one partner to another is always going to be different in a range of ways, and that can sometimes mean that a kind of sex that was satisfying with one partner may not be with another. Not being with that partner anymore and picking someone else that kind of sex is satisfying with is one option, but since you're probably looking for more in a sexual and romantic relationship with someone than one kind of sex feeling good, going about it that way is going to make finding someone who offers all the other things it sounds like your boyfriend offers a much bigger challenge.

So, another option -- and, when you're very happy with a person and a whole relationship otherwise, I'd argue the better option -- is to find out what kinds of sex you DO enjoy with this partner and find ways to do what feels good to you with them. In the case of vaginal sex, that might mean not finding that feeling through intercourse but instead finding it via using a toy with a partner or via them learning how to engage in sex with your vagina and their hands in ways that give the feeling of more fullness you are looking for, just as one example.

[MistyMoon]

After reading these replies I guess I have a lot to think about. Like I said originally I do love my bf and think he’s a great person. I just don’t know if we are as sexually compatible as I was with previous partners. I do think the lack of feeling full is what’s bothering me the most. There are some positions I used to do with ease that now result in me feeling unsatisfied or him slipping out often. This is more anecdotal but I also feel like he finishes very quickly and then the sex just kind of ends.

I definitely do not want to hurt his feelings or shame him but I just don’t get the same sensations or fulfillment I got with larger penises in the past.

As for toys where I live you need to be 19 to go into a sex store and 18 to have a credit card to order things online. We are both 17 and will be for more than 6 months. I don’t know if I can wait that long to feel full again, but I can’t justify breaking up with him for something he really can’t control.

I don’t want to tell him I’m unsatisfied with his size if I don’t have to, and I definitely don’t want to tell him without having a solution to offer.

[Tara]

MistyMoon, I do understand your frustration with this. I do agree with Heather that there could be alternatives to try rather than breaking up the relationship because of this. Since you aren't old enough to buy toys for yourselves, what about vibrators that I believe can be bought at convenience stores without an age check. In lieu of size, you might find that vibration would help will feeling more satisfied. Or, could you recommend that he uses his hands in addition to his penis so that there is greater manual stimulation?

As for him finishing earlier than you would like, I have found expressing this concern and making it a conversation about ways he could modify what he is doing, or maybe you two take breaks in between, might help make it last longer.

[MistyMoon]

I’m from Canada so I’m not sure if you can buy vibrators or toys like that in convenience stores here but it’s worth looking I guess. Honestly like I said I don’t know if him not lasting long enough is even true or just em trying to find justification to be dissatisfied.

I will look into both and do what I can. My concern is that when I’ve looked at other resources online lots have said something along the lines of use fingers, mouth, etc to provide outside stimulation. And honestly he’s great at all that stuff he tries it and it does feel nice maybe nicer then the penetration, but for me it can’t replace the feeling of intense fullness and stretching that I’ve felt in the past.

I’m worried that maybe I’m just unlucky my first two partners were both above average and now I’m to stretched out for a smaller penis. Maybe I’m just a size queen or whatever dumb term you want to use. I wish I could just be happy with his size.

[Tara]

Don't be too hard on yourself! There is nothing wrong with having a preference for size. Hopefully after you have tried some of the ideas, you can come report back if anything has helped or not.

[MistyMoon]

I looked at my local convenience store and couldn’t find any vibrators but I’ll keep an eye out.

I haven’t spoken to my boyfriend about any of these feelings yet because I’m honestly just not sure what to say. I can’t think of a way to say “I’m not satisfied when we have sex because you’re dick is to small, and you don’t last long enough.” Without hurting his feelings. Obviously I would never say that to him and I don’t even mean that necessarily but I’m worried that’s how it will come off if I say anything to him.

I guess I’m just looking for advice on how I should have this conversation. Or if I even should have it if I don’t have a solution in mind.

[Anya]

Hi MistyMoon,

I first want to name something important, and that is that the vagina does not change size, and cannot be stretched out by anything other than extreme physical strain like childbirth. Any other form of penetration or movement in or out of the vagina, with a penis or other objects, will absolutely not cause you to loosen or tighten in any way.

In general, I think, the pretty cool thing about having this kind of ever-evolving relationship with someone though, is that, like others here have also said, there is soo much to explore that you might not have thought of. I would encourage you to talk to your partner directly about exploring new things, even if you say you dont know what you might be yet. Starting the conversation allows you two to get on the same page, and if he realizes something he wants to try with you, he'll know already that you're interested in new things.

I do think that you should start a conversation with your partner. I dont think that you need to say things like "i've had bigger" or comparing him in any way to people you've had sex with before, but starting with just communicating that you are unsatisfied right not with the sex you're having, and because you care about him and want to have sex with him, you want to try to find a solution together. Potentially asking him to use his fingers and hands to give you that same feeling could be a way of telling him about the feeling. The last article I linked below might be helpful in thinking about communication in this way.

A few articles you might find helpful:
DIY Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition
DIY Sex Toys: Partnered Edition
I Want To Change My Sexual Routine With My Partner, Where Do I Start (This one is slightly different than your ask, but I think the response could help support you in realizing and communicating with your partner about exploration and changes in the sex you both have.

[Heather]

What if what you do is first ask to experiment more with manual sex with him? Honestly, the ways people who want to feel a lot of vaginal fullness who have partners with no penises at all do that is usually with fingers and hands and secondarily with toys. Since you won’t always be able to find a partner with a larger penis (and again, since there are probably so many other things more important to you than that in a whole person and whole relationship, so choosing partners based on their penis size isn’t likely to be a way you’ll want to do that), it sounds like you could stand to learn more about how to have vaginal sex with a partner and their hands, anyway.

This might help give you and any partners some more understanding about how manual sex can go when you want several fingers involved (don’t let the world fisting freak you out - it’s a terrible and inaccurate term for a frequently excellent thing): https://www.autostraddle.com/lesbian-fi ... 01-410028/

[MistyMoon]

Thanks for all the comments and help. I really appreciate it and it’s been so helpful to have a place to speak honestly and not feel judged.

I don’t know what I’m going to decide to do or how the future looks but I do really appreciate all the help. If I made someone reading this thread feel bad or self conscious about having a smaller penis that was not my intention and I am sorry.

[Andy]

Hi there, MistyMoon,

I’m glad you found talking here so helpful. If you ever have any more questions or needs, about this or anything else, you know where to find us!

[MistyMoon]

Welp me and my boyfriend broke up. Idk why I’m telling you guys this but for some reason I feel like I should.

I guess the main reason is that I took the advice of the thread and tried multiple times to have an open conversation about how we could make our sex lives better but it just wasn’t working. At first he was at least reciprocated my ideas and said he’d try his best but then when it actually came time nothing changed just the same standard sex that made me come here in the first place.

Finally he just got fed up and started getting defensive saying that he was happy with how things were and I was being weird by trying to add “all this kinky stuff”. This led to an argument and I’m really not proud of what I said. I was just so angry at him for his lack of effort and the slut shaming he was doing that I made multiple comments about the size of his penis.

I shouldn’t have done it and I feel sort of bad about it. But I guess the honey moon phase ended and we weren’t as compatible as I thought. In the end we didn’t break up because of his size but it sort of feels like that’s what led to our issues.

[lilikoi]

Hi MistyMoon!

I am sorry to hear about the break-up. You mentioned that was not the goal of your conversations with him so this must be pretty disappointing.

Having discussions about improving sexual pleasure is a healthy part of a good relationship! I hope that you don't feel like bringing up the topic was a mistake because sexual desires are not weird like your partner was saying! They are absolutely, positively, one-hundred percent normal. They are why we have sex in the first place and if he had been unsatisfied in the sex you two were having, I hope he would have felt comfortable saying something as well.

Some practice in having the conversation and empathy on your partner's part, and the results could have been so different. It sounds like some of the discussion was not done in a productive way (with your partner becoming defensive and you shaming him), but please don't let this discourage you from asking for the kind of sex that you want in the future.

Best of luck in the aftermath of your break up! We are here for you if you need any more support!