Had a heartbreaking conversation with my lover of 10 months

[rolfedewolfe]

Hello, I'm a bit shaken up still from the conversation me and him had yesterday. For context, we're both young adults, he's still in his teen years, and this is for both of us our first serious relationship.

I was expressing some worries I had about him only liking me for sex or romantic affection, which he quickly denied. I then kept going and ended up asking him if there was anything he liked about me as a person or friend, which later lead to him realising that he is not intellectually fulfilled in our relationship, because I do not always want to have deep and long conversations, but he is extremely patient and loves that stuff. He question how maybe inside of him he was hoping that I would change so that I could fulfill that need of his. I told him to think it over, because I cannot figure that out about him, and to get input from other people.

At some point I started crying (he as well) because I told him that I really enjoyed the mundane things we did like cooking, laying on the sofa, etc. but he proceeded to tell me that he understands this feeling but he doesn't feel it. I am very confused, he doesn't tell me what he feels in those situations, I don't know what he meant by this. Though he tells me he enjoys activities we do together, but I'm still confused about why he says he doesn't have the same feeling as me over mundane situations.

In the end he did repeat that I did change his life and he is overall happier and that he truly does enjoy my presence, I said that I also really like his presence and I am also happy with him, so there is no need to change things for the time being while he takes some time to think things over. We will see each other on sunday again for regular activities.

I don't think I have anything to think over, I'm happy in this relationship, maybe I am wrong and should think about something. I would just like some input, maybe there is something bad I'm not seeing or maybe this is normal.

[Latha]

Hello, Rolfedewolfe

I'm sorry to hear that you had an unsettling and painful conversation with your partner--I understand how it would feel heartbreaking to hear that your partner has been silently waiting for you to change, and that they may not feel the way for you that you feel about them.

You mentioned that you started this conversation because you were concerned that your partner only likes you for sex and romantic affection. If I may ask, what brought this worry up for you? Have there been any patterns that have led you to this conclusion?

[rolfedewolfe]

Hello Latha,
It's not so much a conclusion I had, more of a worry. It's just that I wasn't sure if he liked me as a person, and he seems to really like me, so I thought that maybe it was mainly for sexual and romantic reasons that he liked me so much, which he denied. The reason he likes me so much seems more nuanced.

[Tara]

Hi, rolfedewolfe:

I know you mentioned talking to your partner about your worries that he may only like you for sexual purposes, but did you ask him specifically if that was how he truly felt? It could be your perception, but it might not be exactly true for him.

You could reframe your question to ask him what are the things he likes about you so that you get additional information about why he likes you for more than sexual purposes.

Since he did say that he wished to have more of a deep conversational relationship, is that something that you want? Does that seem to be a difference that would prevent your relationship from growing?

[rolfedewolfe]

Hello,
I see what you mean about reframing the question, which I did sort of do and I did get a response, though I wasn't too attentive to it.

The issue is that I feel fine about our relationship right now, he's the one who feels that problem of lacking deep conversations and he himself is not sure what to think of it. I do think I should learn to be more patient and to not so quickly dismiss energy-consuming conversations, though I don't think I can fulfill his need to the degree that he wants. I think that is fine, I never expected to fulfill all his needs.

[Anya]

Hi rolfedewolfe,

Relationships can be tricky because for most of us, it's the first time we're really having to compromise and navigate a situation that is no longer fully in our control. Your partner mentioned wanting to have more intellectual conversations with you, and I'm wondering what your reluctance to that might be? And by deep conversations, did he mean conversations about the relationship? Or just things in general?

Sometimes it can be helpful to ask someone what kind of activity they want in a conversation, if that makes sense. Do they want an active participant, asking questions and engaging a lot, or if it's okay to be more of a listener? It is totally understandable if sometimes you don't know what to say in these conversations, but part of being in a relationship is doing little things just because you know your partner enjoys it. Obviously, this does not mean bend to his will and do whatever he wants when he asks, but maybe think about if there are things your partner does not enjoy by himself but does for you (watching your favorite movie, eating a food with you that you enjoy, helping you work through emotions not related to the relationship) and if having these conversations with im is something that even if you wouldnt advocate for yourself, you're willing to try with him, even if that just means listening for the most part. How does this feel to you?

[rolfedewolfe]

Hello Anya,
By deep conversations he means in general. I don't know if I have a relunctance to those, it's just that I don't always want to go deeper in a subject, it demands a lot of focus from me to understand what he's saying sometimes, it's a bit difficult. I am a pretty tired person and thinking hard does take energy/focus which I don't always have. But of course I'd be willing to compromise, there's things we do for each other that we wouldn't do alone, and I guess this can be another one from my part. Thanks for reassuring me.

[lilikoi]

Hi rolfedewolfe,

I am sorry you are managing this situation! First of all, how was your Sunday together with your lover? You mentioned that would be the next time you hung out. I hope it felt good!

In your post, I noticed that the initial conversation was largely about you asking for reassurance from your partner for reasons that he likes you. Instead of offering reassurance, it lead into a conversation about some dissatisfaction he has. Have you felt confident in your connection until this point? Do you find that you ask for reassurance often?

[Heather]

Hey there! I wanted to also make a suggestion and ask a question.

How about you simply offer to have more of these conversations with your partner? I'd suggest asking them for some things they'd like to talk about that you haven't talked about. I also think that if you need to ask for accommodations around those, you're not asking for anything unreasonable. For example, it's pretty much a given that if and when someone is really wiped out, a big, long conversation isn't going to be something they are capable of. If you struggle with chronic fatigue, you might also just remind your partner about that and let them know that sometimes you may need some limits, like stopping before a conversation feels over and tabling more of it for another day when you have more energy.

I can't tell when you talk about this if he's talking more about deep conversations about your relationship, or about things like his intellectual interests: do you have a sense of that?

[rolfedewolfe]

Hello lilikoi and Heather,
My sunday with him was good as usual, we got to talk about it some more and cleared some misunderstandings/confusions, though he still has to think about the lack of deep conversations.

This whole situation began when I raised some worries I had, it's not his fault, it's just that I am generally a very anxious person and I can easily think that people dislike no matter how much they reassure me. Otherwise, I am very happy in this relationship and feel confident in it most of the time.

As for the deep conversations, it's more about general topics, really anything, philosophical sometimes. We did have a sort of system where we would keep in mind potentials subjects to discuss deeply, I guess we don't do much of that anymore, but we can try it again. I do sometimes tell him that I am too tired and that we should keep the topic for another time.

I think now he just needs some time to think about it, he seems to be a bit confused on if he's willing to find a compromise, or if there is one to be made to begin with.

[Heather]

I know that some of what I am about to say is rarely something anyone wants to hear, but I'm going to say some things anyway, because I think they're important to recognize.

Our early relationships -- whatever kind they are, but certainly with romantic and sexual relationships -- are very, very rarely going to last a lifetime. Heck, most of our relationships, no matter when they happen in life, won't, or, at least, won't stay the same kind of relationship over decades or even years. But the earliest ones, I tend to think of those as where we really cut our teeth when it comes to learning how to be in relationship with each other, what we want and don't, what things are most important to us, what makes us feel secure and what doesn't, etc. Even if, in the long term, those relationships aren't relationships we stay in in the form they started, or at all, even if and when we lose touch with a person we were in relationship in forever, on top of whatever other value those relationships have had or do have for us, they are typically a goldmine when it comes to learning.

Not everyone wants a romantic/sexual partner to be a person or the primary person they engage in deep, philosophical conversations with (heck, not everyone wants to engage in deep, philosophical conversations!). Not everyone finds a lot of value in doing the activities of everyday life with a partner. But it sounds like your current partner may want the former when you really don't, and it sounds like you really value the latter when he may not. Ultimately, it may be that these kinds of missing pieces result in you two not staying romantic/sexual partners. But even if that happens, I'd wager that you two have taught each other important things that will benefit you both as you know more and more about what you each want in a partner moving forward, you know?

So, it may be that you have both just started to discover some things that suggest that being in this kind of relationship together may not be a forever-kind-of-something. Again, few things are, but I also know that can be hard to feel or recognize or even consider as a real possibility.

Where I'd say this leaves you both now is just sorting out what you want in the present moment. I'm also saying this because if this is a relationship you two value and feel good in, even if it might not be long-term, you might want to focus more on enjoying it for now for what it is than focusing on what feels like is missing for you both.

Does what you do have together still feel good to both of you? Is it still something you want to explore for the time being? Is it something you both feel secure and happy in? I know you can't speak for him here, but how about for yourself? If, for instance, he really doesn't find the value in those everyday things that you do, has that ruined that for you, or are those things you can still enjoy and find meaningful?

[rolfedewolfe]

Hello Heather,
I hear what you are saying about early relationships and I understand. I admit, I hope that it will last forever, because I feel great with him. He has also expressed some long-term visions he had of our relationship. We'll see how things will go.

He has expressed hapiness in this relationship, I am happy with him, I want this this to continue. That inital conversation hurt me, but we have had the opportunity to talk through it again and things are a bit better. He may not find as much value in the little things of daily life, but he doesn't dislike them and I still find myself enjoying those moments with him, so it wasn't completely ruined for me, it seems.

[maille]

rolfedewolfe,

It can be hard to not future build with a partner, especially when it is one of our firsts. But it seems here the balance is being hopeful and realistic. Like you said, you all will see how things go. Even if this doesn't end in long term partnership, you can enjoy it while it works, and from your responses, it sounds like things still feel good right now. We take pieces of knowledge about our needs and desires and our ability to fulfill other's from each relationship we spend time in.

It sounds like some anxiety and reassurance seeking may have gotten the best of you here. What can you do next time you are feeling like your lover is only in it for sex or romantic affection? Can you remind yourself of ways he has showed that it is more than that to him?

Best of luck!