Pregnant and worries about paternity

[Hati84]

Hello,

I feel really stupid for asking this question, but it has been bothering me a lot. I am 9 weeks pregnant right now. My partner and I used to have a period last year in which we allowed each other to do sexual things with others. We have stopped that agreement, and I feel very guilty about what has happened during my last ovulation.

During my fertile days, I had 2 times intercourse with my husband. There was also 1 evening during the fertile window, that I went to the sauna and saw this guy who I used to fool around with before. I was surprised to see him. After talking, we started to kiss and touch for like a few minutes (me giving him a handjob and him fingering me), when I decided it’s not what I want anymore. He didn’t ejaculate for as far as I know (I didn’t see, feel of smell anything), but I felt some precum when he tried to put his penis in my mouth, which I declined and walked away. I never intended to do this and I feel very embarassed. It had never crossed my mind though that it could lead to a pregnancy until a few days after the positive test. It feels like I get haunted by thoughts like ‘what if I got pregnant from the other guy?’ whilst I saw fingering never before as a pregnancy risk. I know it’s not rational, especially from all the sources I’ve read here. It also doesn’t help that I am very nauseous.

I don’t know well what to do. My relationship is really good, we really hoped to have another baby and are looking forward to welcoming him/her. That is also why I don’t want to tell him about this situation, because it had no emotional meaning to me at all and don’t want him to worry about paternity if it’s no realistic scenario. It also feels very lonely not being able to talk to anyone about this huge thing on my mind. Sometimes I think this ruminating is my mind’s punishment for what I have done.

Could you give me an advice for how to deal with this fear and guilt?

Thanks a lot.

[Becky]

Hi Hati84, welcome to the boards.

So based on what you've said: No. You can't have gotten pregnant by the other man. Your husband is definitely the father of your child.

I'm sorry this has been a lonely and stressful experience. I really can't tell you what to do as I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship with your husband but as a fellow human in a monogamous relationship I am questioning your decision to not tell your husband about this hookup. I genuinely don't know if you'll fully be able to deal with the fear and guilt you feel if you keep this secret from him forever because it will always be in the back of your mind. You'll always be wondering what happens if he does somehow find out. And I think that the longer it takes him to find out the worse it will be for your relationship.

I have some questions for you to consider if you are interested. Maybe they could help you think through this situation and what you want to do about it.

Do you want me to post them so we can talk more about the hookup? Or is knowing that you didn't get pregnant from the hookup enough for now?

[Hati84]

Dear Becky,

Thank you very much for your listening ear and re-assurance. I agree with your opinion about this, and I am open for your questions. I also understand that my decision to not have told it, can seem egocentrical (well it is). At the same time, I know how hard it has been in the past to deal with each others’ infidelity. How stupid it may sound, if he makes a ‘mistake’ and it doesn’t mean anything/they don’t stay in touch, I’d rather not know. I really regret having done this, it wasn’t worth it at all and it absolutely has nothing to do with my partner. That may sound strange, but I think it has everything to do with not setting boundaries early enough and getting caught in a moment. I also have decided never to go to the sauna on my own anymore. Anyhow, please ask me your questions.

[Becky]

Hi again, Hati84!

It sounds like you've added some new context to the situation. So my questions have changed a little bit.

At the same time, I know how hard it has been in the past to deal with each others’ infidelity.

Does this mean that there has been infidelity in your relationship in the past? Has it happened often? How have you and your husband dealt with something like this before?

[Hati84]

Yes, it happened once from my side, once from his side and last year we tried an ‘open relationship’. The persons I met weren’t mostly not nice at all and it was only centered around physical contact, whilst he invested in an emotional and physical relationship with another woman, which felt like a huge threat. Overall I was and am really happy with my relationship, emotionally but also physical. I concluded it wasn’t worth messing around with others, and he fortunately also. That’s also why I am really disappointed and embarassed this ‘happened’ again (I know I am fully responsible for my behaviour), it feels like eating junk food (but then worse) which gives very brief pleasure but afterwards deep regret.

[Becky]

Ah ok, I see. So closing the relationship back down to just the two of you happened somewhat recently then?

How do you think your husband would react if you simply told him the truth? That it was a slip-up?

I'm also curious: why do you think the infidelity occurred the first time around? What were you both hoping to accomplish by opening up your relationship?

[Hati84]

That was last year, November 2024, that we closed it again. The first time had to do with not feeling seen and it was hard talking about it, especially after confessing. Only when he had cheated, he said he realised he had been too hard for me and should have talked with me more about it instead of pushing me away, after I confessed. Those months afterwards were really horrible and lonely.

Last year we realised we had grown together and thought we could enjoy physical contact with others, without losing our connection. But because we both experienced it so differently, it felt off balance.

How he would reply to the slip-up… well I think he would be really disappointed I didn’t tell him inmediately. And maybe not believe it was only kissing and manual sex, and also start worrying about paternity. I am very afraid of the consequences, also because we already have 2 children and don’t want this stupid mistake ruin all we have. And yes, I know I should have thought about that back then. I just feel very guilty, and concerned about the impact of confessing for my husband as well as for my sons. It was just a ridiculous action that is not part of who I want to be.

[Becky]

I understand more now, thank you.

Yes, he might be disappointed but it sounds like you two have a good foundation where he could understand how this happened because he has cheated before as well. He might be more willing to hear you out and be more understanding of how something like this can happen. I think it would also be good to tell him how you are feeling and that this isn't part of who you want to be.

I know you feel guilty and that this could have potential consequences on your relationship and family, but I think you are right that he will be disappointed that you kept something like this from him. At least, I would be, if it were me. Maybe he won't find out about it at all, but how much worse would it be if he found out later and realized how long you had kept it from him? Maybe if you are able to talk about it you two could work together to establish some new boundaries and maybe make a plan for how to move through moments when you are tempted to be physical with other people. Do you think an outcome like that would be realistic? Is this something you two could talk about and move forward together on? Would it feel safer to have this conversation with a mediator like a couple's therapist?