getting aroused during fights

[blueishyellow]

this is my first post-- ive lurked around this site for a while but never made an account, but i have a terribly embarrassing problem so i'd sincerely appreciate any form of help. im very sorry if this is the wrong section of the board, and sorry in advance for the word vomit as well

ive been a boxer & trained a little muy thai for a while; its a great & fun hobby and lets me relax and feel better in my body image as well as my safety. !-)

but recently (like the past half year or so), whenever i'd spar (especially if i was getting hit or thrown to the floor a lot) i get really, really turned on. doubly so if he's the kind of guy who'd be my type anyway. to the point where after the fight i have to lock myself in the bathroom just to get off. its humiliating. i even get turned on waiting to go the gym thinking about it.

its part the actual pain of being hit, but mostly just the concept of being hurt by somebody and them having that sort of power over me. and the shame of it all is just compounded that i'm the already the kind of man who's had problems with being low empathy. i worry a lot about being an evil or bad person, and in my head this is just proof that i am.

ive known for a bit that my sexual interests were definitely more violent (? if i should say that) than others. ever since i became aware of this idea of sex ive had a really high sex drive. but the fact that i cant control myself makes me feel fucked in the head. and thats just what i actually DO. my fantasies dont hold any punches (ha ha), and go even further. guys cutting me, choking me out, collaring, just generally being told what to do, etc..... erfff. all these fantasies i wish werent mine. i cant make eye contact with anyone at my gym anymore because i just feel like some kind of awful and depraved pervert and soon everyone will find out and hate me. ive considered giving up boxing even, but i selfishly didnt. i feel so guilty and terrible about it. i hate those kinds of people; people who involve those who dont know/dont consent in their fetishes and kinks. i dont want to be that kind of guy

honestly, honestly, what should i do? give it up?

when it first started happening, i thought it'd go away after a week or so. but now im worried im going to be stuck like this forever; or at least until i lose my virginity or something. i mean, ive never even KISSED a guy but there i am losing myself during a fight. i cant imagine any guy id ever be with in the future wouldnt think im messed up. i dont know what cords crossed when i was growing up but now i guess im just stuck like this.

uff, sorry about all the negative wording. this whole thing makes me so ashamed i couldnt even bring myself to write this without distracting myself. thanks for any help in advance

[Sofi]

Hi there, blueishyellow, welcome to the boards.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so much shame around this. I understand and validate your feelings, but I also want to assure you there's nothing to be ashamed of here. You haven't done anything wrong, and the fantasies you have are just that - fantasies. You aren't acting on them (if you were, we'd chat about safety, but for now, there doesn't seem to be any risk of harm), and our fantasies actually don't always reflect what we want or like in real life. For example, even though you're getting aroused when fighting, you might not actually want to engage in more extreme behavior in real life, and keep that a fantasy.

Because fantasies are not real life, it's also not unethical to fantasize about people you know. You aren't harming them by doing so, and we often can't control what we fantasize about anyway, so it's not going to do any good to feel guilty about them. I appreciate you being so thoughtful and being concerned about this from an ethical standpoint, but you've got nothing to worry about as far as what you've described. I'll also say, this isn't really a fetish or a kink, it's just something you enjoy sexually. Both those words are often misused and their whole purpose is to make people feel ashamed of their sexual preferences, which is what's happening here. Plenty of people have fantasies like yours and plenty of people also (safely and consensually) act on them with their sexual partners. This could be something for you to explore eventually, when you're ready for that, if you'd like. But for now, just know this isn't an uncommon thing to be into, and it's not an unethical one, either.

I don't think you should give up boxing if it's something you enjoy in general. The best route here is to work on undoing the shame around this, because when we feel shame about something we give that thing power, and it becomes bigger than it needs to be. Now, if you feel like this is too much right now and it's getting in the way of you enjoying boxing, that's a different story. But if it's just the shame that comes before and after, but you're still enjoying boxing as a hobby and want to continue it without feeling like this, we can work on that. What do you think?

[blueishyellow]

thank you so much for your reply. you have no idea how much lighter i felt after hearing the equivalent of someone saying, "no, you're not a terrible person & no, it doesn't make you some sort of sick person for enjoying these sorts of things."
thanks also for clearing up the mix up between fetish/kink.

i really enjoy boxing, and i DON'T want to give it up. it's one of the biggest things i look forward to. it's really just the shame that comes with my thoughts and feelings. if you have any tips or articles to read on combatting that shame, i'd really, really appreciate it.

i grew up really religious, and even if im not anymore, i still feel like that mindset is still with me, you know? makes it tough to forgive and allow myself to feel certain things

[maille]

Hi there, blueishyellow!

I want to thank you for your trust and vulnerability you have put into your post here on the boards.

I also want to reiterate everything Sofi replied with. You are not a terrible person, but a very normal one in regards to fantasies.

I would hate to see you giving up boxing due to shame, especially when you have described it as such an outlet and how it helps with self image and safety. We could all use a bit more of that! I think this this advice column has a great comparison that may help you conceptualize fantasy and undo shame. The writer compares daydreaming about skydiving and swimming with sharks to sexual fantasy. They are both quite exciting, but maybe not something we want to carry out, and that is all okay. I will say that advice column has to due with some age stuff that doesn't seem relevant here, but I think is it a good, short read when it comes to parallels with fantasy and shame.

Let us know if you give it a read and how you feel afterwards!

[maille]

Just popping in once more to add in this article on sexual shame!