I am 19 and have probably been masturbating since I was about 13. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and he is the only man I’ve ever had sex with. I find both sex and masturbation pleasurable and have started to feel like I am going to get an orgasm during sex. However it always gets too much for me and I can’t carry on. When I masturbate I get too sensitive and stop and during sex I’m honestly not sure what happens but I feel the build up and just feel like I have to stop, maybe I get overwhelmed?? I’m honestly not sure but it makes me feel like my body is broken. My boyfriend is so supportive and even googles things that might help me. I don’t really masturbate anymore and I wonder if I started again if it may help me achieve orgasm?? I’m honestly just fed up at this point as whenever I search it up it just says that it may be due to trauma or not feeling comfortable but it definitely is not either of them. I just want it to happen at this point so I can stop getting upset over it but I don’t know how to push over the ledge to it.
Any and all advice would be appreciated.
I can’t orgasm
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Peony-flower
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Re: I can’t orgasm
Hi there, Peony-flower. Welcome to the boards.
I promise you that you or your body are not broken.
By all means, most people who orgasm for the first time do so during masturbation, not with a partner, so bringing back masturbation will likely be helpful here. It does sound to me like what might be happening is that you keep stopping when you are in what's commonly called the plateau phase of sexual response, the phase that most often happens right before orgasm. To get to orgasm, sensitivity does often have to build and build and then we kind of have to fall off the cliff of it. We also often have to ride that sensitivity: feeling overwhelmed is often a part of this, of getting to and experiencing orgasm, so some folks often have to learn how to feel okay with and enjoy that overwhelm.
It also may be that you or your partner are focusing too much just on one very sensitive part of your body -- like the clitoral shaft -- and doing only one thing. Sometimes what can happen with that is that sensitivity turns into hypersensitivity, which can feel uncomfortable instead of good. When you're masturbating or being sexual with your partner, have you/you and your partner ever tried giving you a long lead-up to even touching your genitals, so that you're very turned on before that even happens, then, for any genital touch, starting first only on the outside, like on your mons or outer labia, before moving further inside, like to the external portions of your clitoris, and only after that to things like any kind of intercourse?
I also want to add that if we or a partner are putting any pressure on ourselves to orgasm -- or getting frustrated -- that always makes it harder for it to happen. We really have to let go of any attachment to orgasm and just focus on what feels good without an end result in mind.
I promise you that you or your body are not broken.
By all means, most people who orgasm for the first time do so during masturbation, not with a partner, so bringing back masturbation will likely be helpful here. It does sound to me like what might be happening is that you keep stopping when you are in what's commonly called the plateau phase of sexual response, the phase that most often happens right before orgasm. To get to orgasm, sensitivity does often have to build and build and then we kind of have to fall off the cliff of it. We also often have to ride that sensitivity: feeling overwhelmed is often a part of this, of getting to and experiencing orgasm, so some folks often have to learn how to feel okay with and enjoy that overwhelm.
It also may be that you or your partner are focusing too much just on one very sensitive part of your body -- like the clitoral shaft -- and doing only one thing. Sometimes what can happen with that is that sensitivity turns into hypersensitivity, which can feel uncomfortable instead of good. When you're masturbating or being sexual with your partner, have you/you and your partner ever tried giving you a long lead-up to even touching your genitals, so that you're very turned on before that even happens, then, for any genital touch, starting first only on the outside, like on your mons or outer labia, before moving further inside, like to the external portions of your clitoris, and only after that to things like any kind of intercourse?
I also want to add that if we or a partner are putting any pressure on ourselves to orgasm -- or getting frustrated -- that always makes it harder for it to happen. We really have to let go of any attachment to orgasm and just focus on what feels good without an end result in mind.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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