How do I give myself grace for not knowing my sexuality or gender

[Wonderegg]

Hi, sorry it me again
How do get over the feeling of not knowing my sexuality or gender? I still can help but feel frustrated and sad about it. Can biphobia affect the way you view yourself because right now, I'm just like down and angry I don't have anyone to talk to about it at home and I feel like I'm taking my frustration out on the wrong things and people. I'm not even afraid of being bi kinda like it but I just don't know. I know it all in my head, but I still feel like I'm faking stuff and being creepy. I know like sexuality and gender can be fluid, but I still feel bad. I tried journaling before but I just ending up putting the same entry over and over I'm confused and tired and sad. I feel like even if I do end up being bi it like expected from people that I'll just ended up with a guy anyways, so it doesn't matter and I'm making a big deal out of nothing.
Also, I want to have sex or at least try it with someone, but I feel guilty somehow. I never wanted to before because the idea of sex grosses me out but idk anymore I want it to be with a woman. Might be a stupid question unrelated to post sorry but do people hook up just because they want sex alone? Can it just be kissing and cuddling alone if you want? I'm still anxious about just going to sleep with someone I don't know well.

I also have questions about asexuality can someone be demiromantic and demisexual but like it split between different genders? like can you be demiromantic with women but demisexual with men. If your demiromantic does that mean you can still be uncomfortable with having sex right away. Sorry I not sure if I explain anything clearly.

[Sofi]

Hi Wonderegg. I'll try to answer all your questions without making this reply too long, and feel free to ask any follow-up questions you have, since this will be an ongoing conversation. <3

The thing about sexuality and gender is there's no concrete right or wrong answer for either, and it's ultimately up to you. While that can make a lot of people feel better about it, it can also make other people feel anxious or confused, like is the case here. We can't really control who we like in a romantic or sexual way, or what our gender is, but we can control who we date, hook up with, and things like our gender expression and pronouns. This way we can sort of experiment and figure out what feels right, and the fluidity of it gives room for figuring it out as we go without the pressure of one permanent label. Internalized biphobia is definitely a thing and can in fact affect how you view yourself. Is that what you think is going on here?

Journaling isn't the most helpful tool for everyone, since there's no one-size-fits-all way to process and express our feelings. Some people find it very useful and other people don't, so if it doesn't feel right for you, that's okay! You could try other things such as making voice notes, or simply talking out loud by/to yourself, or even more creative things like making art that expresses how you feel. The possibilities are many and it's totally fine not to be into journaling, so no worries there.

To answer your question about hookups, no it isn't always just sex alone. People hook up for different reasons, and anything that is sexual to you is a hookup, not just what most people think of as 'sex'. So kissing and cuddling is also hooking up and it's okay to want just that, many other people do too and in fact, it's probably best to start that way with someone before going straight into other things you aren't fully comfortable with yet. It also helps create intimacy and get to know the person better before sex, which is always good and recommended.

And to answer your last question, yep totally. It's not uncommon for people to feel like they're, for example, feel sexual attraction only for one gender and romantic attraction for all genders, or just one, or any combination of any of this. Being demiromantic and demisexual applies here too. Does that feel like it aligns best with your sexuality?

[Wonderegg]

hi thanks for answering my questions

I think I'm have internalized biphobia, but I think it just me making a big deal out of nothing. When I think of being bisexual it's feels fitting although I don't know for sure, but I like to think I'm attracted to everyone or I just love people no matter who it is. Reading about queer history and culture it feels nice and comforting even tho I live in a completely different country. I feel like I just don't hear or see anything positive about bisexual people in general or at least not much. I read about butches and studs and connect with the term, but I don't want to use it because I feel like it only for lesbians or maybe transmasculine people to use and I don't want to disrespect that. I don't think there's a term created for bi women or gender non-conforming people. There barely bi culture or at least I don't hear it talked about that often.

I think online made things worse because they're men fetishizing studs and women calling themselves bisexual stud and making weird content just catering to men. I mean what's new? I tend to stay off of social media most of the time because it toxic in general but just never seeing anything positive about bi people makes me feel bad.
I could be in my head also, but I feel like people see bi women as just straight or confused with a fetish or we encourage men to fetishize women. We center men a lot that it off putting which idk people talk about their experience a lot when dating bi women and it always the same thing. How to know if you center men? I don't think I do
Seen some people make jokes that's not that funny some like bi women and their boyfriends or see some people say we sound like men when we talk about sex. and i think the last joke was my sign to stay off TikTok because it hurt me so bad and I was already self-conscious about feeling like I'm just fetishizing women and "no better than a man"
I don't know if I'm a woman, but people perceive me as one. I want to express my masculinity where everyone thinks I'm a man but I'm not a man. I don't want to be perceive as a confused woman that just like men clothing, but I think makeup looks like something I'd like to try because it fun.

I know men get scrutinized to for being bi and presenting femme and stuff but I feel like if I was born a guy, it be kind of better even though I'm probably thinking wrong but as much as some people shit on them and biphobia and homophobia just suck I feel like I would feel free sexually kind of a crazy thing to say not going to lie I don't know how to explain it.
At least they don't get their queerness taken away from them and honestly, I wish I was a lesbian, but I think I'd be lying if I just try using the label. I don't want to be attracted to men at all. I would never understand the loneliness lesbian feel but idk I felt isolated my whole life and unwanted so I probably wouldn't mind being lonely. It feels familiar at this point. I know some people won't like me saying that because liking men a privilege or whatever it really not and I know people say that because it is passing hetero relationship, but I really don't care. Honestly, I don't get why I can't be discontent with my sexuality because it's a "privilege" then in the same breath people could just gloat about being glad they're not attracted to men. It feels like I can't complain at all because people are tired and I don't want to sound annoying. I don't want to be the sexuality that get often associated or pushed with men. I want to do stuff that don't feel like I'm doing it for men or to make men think I'm doing it for them. I want to be taken seriously. It sounds really silly.

I'm trying to write a story instead though I get anxious because I'm not sure it'll be good or make any sense. I'm writing about my characters wanting to explore their gender and sexuality and feeling trapped where they live so they're trying to move away so they be able to live freely. it's a western love story

I think I am demiromantic and demisexual but I'm not sure when they say it takes a long time to develop romantic/sexual attraction do they mean for like a few months or like years? I think I am because I view romantic and platonic attraction as the same. Someone told me you can't be platonic with your partner and platonic and romantic relationship are not the same. They were laughing at a teacher in class for calling her husband her best friend and taking about "friendzone". I don't believe in friendzone, but I don't understand what's wrong with being friend with your partner.
Sorry for making this too long to read. thank you again for trying to help me

[char]

Hi Wonderegg! I'm afraid I'm unable to answer everything you mentioned, but I'd like to offer my two cents on your question about being demiromantic and demisexual. It definitely depends on the person, but typically, when someone says they are demiromantic and/or demisexual, they may also use the label to describe how they don't "fall in love on the first sight" or form brief crushes/sexual attraction on others. So, when there is attraction, it may take some time for them to recognize it and show up more intensely in some folks. But again, everyone's experience is different, so what I described here doesn't apply to everyone.

As you may have noticed yourself, some people conflate romantic attraction with sexual attraction, which could be the reason that person told you that you "can't be platonic with your partner." They might assume that being friends = not having any sexual (and romantic) attraction at all. Or that friendships are "less intense" and "serious" than romantic relationships. But as you know, this isn't true--every relationship we foster should matter to us, and we should give others care regardless of who they are in our lives. You're right by saying that there's nothing wrong with being friends with your partner; if anything, we should be friends with our partners (if we have any) by spending time with them, supporting them through thick and thin, and so on.

[Wonderegg]

oh, okay then I guess I have to think about it then thank you for helping me

[Wonderegg]

About internalized biphobia is it something I have to go to a therapist for when i have access to it? Does it sound like I have internalized biphobia or just need to get over myself? Also, I'm I just over complicating things

[Sofi]

Hi, Wonderegg. I'm going to start by answering your last question by saying yes, it sounds like you're overthinking this and making it more complicated than it is or needs to be. I don't say that to invalidate how you're feeling, as I can be an overthinker myself, so I get it. But sometimes it's good to reel it in and ask ourselves whether this is actually as deep as we feel like it is, and whether it needs this much energy poured into it. I wouldn't say you need to "get over yourself", but I don't think this is something worth this much of your energy.

That said, I will also be honest I can't answer whether you have internalized biphobia or not because I'm not in your brain and don't know your thoughts and feelings. Based on what you've said so far, it kind of sounds like you think you do which can make it sound like you do. Does that make sense?

I'm seeing overthinking in other areas outside of just the biphobia topic - which, might be a word for you to disengage with for a bit, as it seems you're fixating on it. You asked how to know if you're centering men, for example. These are things that are good for us to be aware of and reflect on, but not to the point where we are doubting our own thoughts and experiences. In today's society and on social media, as you mentioned in a previous post, there can be a lot of hype around some of these buzz words but they're often not used correctly.

It's good that you're coming here and discussing this stuff, don't get me wrong. Way better than taking what you see on socials and running with it. So props to you for seeking out more legit information sources! I just don't want you to go to the other end of thinking too much about these concepts to the point you are having self doubts and you're worrying about it constantly. Is this something that you do with other topics often?

[Wonderegg]

I think I over fixate on other topics sometimes but recently it just this. Before I was over fixated on money so much that it was the only thing I thought about. Just make money or finding job online even though I couldn't get a job at my age and I think it made me fail my test. I was just going to label myself as bi even though it might change in the future or might be wrong

[maille]

hi, wonderegg.

I agree with what Sofi has shared with you. We don't want to walk around the world unconscious of stuff like biases or centering men, but we also do not want to swing the pendulum and become too focused in on it.

When you felt like you were fixated on money, what helped you get past those thoughts? Knowing what has worked in the past may give us some insight on what to try today.

[Wonderegg]

I don't think anything help me get pass the thoughts i still get those thoughts i just think being hype fixated on something else stopped me focusing on money for a little bit

[maille]

Wonderegg,

In an effort to be transparent, I want to tell you that I am by no means an expert at honing in spiraling thoughts, but I do want to help you. I am wondering what else we could put the energy you are spending on these thoughts into. Does taking on something like an art project or reading a new book sound at all appealing for a sort of distraction? The answer can be no, but I wanted to see if that option or similar felt good to you.

[Wonderegg]

I was trying to get back into drawing but I think I lost interest in drawing and art. I used to really like it but now I just can't seem to draw but I think I could still try

[maille]

I think that is a lovely idea. It could be a really positive outlet to externally process some of these thoughts. Or if you create something completely unrelated to your thoughts, that would be fine too. It truly is individualized, so we just need to find what works for you. What steps can you take towards drawing? Do you need to search for some inspiration of just simply get your materials in front of you?

[Wonderegg]

thank you for trying to help me ill see if I can draw right now