tenderness, kink and dirty talk

[PomPom]

Hi! i’m a kinky person, i enjoy and ready to try a lot of different kinks and fetishes. i low-key made that my own aesthetic so people can guess right away. i didn’t try much but i’m very willing to try even though i know it might not turn out like i thought it will. (don’t worry about safety, this always comes first!)
my gf on the other side isn’t very kinky and in the beginning it was a little bit hard for her to have sexual conversations, but she’s fine now. she accepted my kinks but we didn’t discuss her willingness to try in every of them, it’s fine, i know we need to start small, and here’s were problems start to appear.
for example: i want her to bite my lip when we kiss, like bite bite. i asked her a few times, and she even done so, but veery gently. when i asked her again she told me that yes she can, but she wants to treat me with tenderness.
or, another problem. when we have foreplay she feels like she needs to say something, like dirty talk, but she doesn’t know what to say to me, like she needs phrases, a whole script. and i honestly don’t even know what to write down there, because for me it’s all about the way the word said, than the word itself. she knows this, but she tells me that it’s hard for her to come up with something on the spot. okay, but when i start thinking what to write down i don’t know what to write. i think about general phrases and pet names and when i think about “how would she say this or that” i kinda cringe a little, it’s just feels so awkward, especially because it wouldn’t come from her naturally. i don’t know how to act here, because i don’t wanna make it too hard on her (and i try my best not to) and i also want this to work for her and for me, because i love her and don’t want to break up because of my kinks, especially since she tells me she’s willing to try.

[Andy]

Hi PomPom!

First off, so it is clear what we are talking about here I want to offer some language that might be better for you, as well as other people, when talking about sexual preferences. The terms like "fetish" or "kink" have been used and misused for quite some time and unfortunately often to the harm of people that it has been used about. In some ways that has changed and many people reclaimed that and use that to describe their identities. But in general, we here prefer not to use them because they imply some sexual behavior is "normal" and some is not, which is not at all how sexuality works, everyone just likes different things a that’s it. Can you see where I’m getting with that?

It also seems like the division of people into "kinky" and "not kinky" isn’t working in your or your girlfriends favor here either. Instead of "she isn’t kinky enough" I would describe the issue as "there are some things you think would feel good for you and she isn’t as comfortable or excited about them", which makes it more about the specific differences in your preferences rather than about inherent discord between your sexuality.

The thing is, in most relationships the partners aren’t 100% compatible in all their wants and preferences, because people are just too varied for that and that is okay as long as the relationship in general feels good and there is open communication about what everyone needs and wants. I hear you talk a lot about what you want and only say your girlfriend is willing to try that, but not excited about it or enjoying it herself. Have you had conversations about what she might like and if some of your preferences don’t align better in some other places other than dirty talk or biting?
Would you like help around how to approach such conversations?

We also have a very handful comprehensive list that might be useful for both of you: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

[PomPom]

Hi, yes i would like all the help i can get. but i want to add more context. all this time i thought that it would be better to just do what she likes, since i’m basically down to anything, but the thing is - when i try to bring up her preferences and try to ask her, she tells me that she “doesn’t know” and she “doesn’t think about it as much as i do” i ask her to show me what porn she likes - and she refuses. so far i managed to tug out that she WOULD LIKE to try some CNC and that and MIGHT like some dirty talk.

when i brought it up she told me that she doesn’t want to talk about what she likes, at least not now. that she wants to find out what i like, and want to try out things that i like, and that she doesn’t want me to try to interrogate her about her desires.
i was wondering if this is okay and if this even a healthy thing, but i decided to go with whatever she’s comfortable doing. especially since before that i was hesitant to tell her about my desires/ideas, and i still am!

Then about a month later we had a conversation where she admitted that she wants to have sex with me but she’s afraid that it won’t work/i won’t cum (this happened before twice, and we’ve talked about it and i thought that it’s okay) and that she won’t be able to satisfy me because she doesn’t like the things that i do. (like i always ask her to bite me when we kiss and ect.)

and i’m so confused what to do in this situation. she doesn’t want to talk about her preferences, so i can’t just go with whatever she wants. but when i talk about things that i like (various different thing, all kinds might you) turns out it is scaring her and making her insecure, and i get it, but i was trying to do what she wanted me to do ??? i also wanted to go to horror quest with her and our friends (and she agreed) , but now i think that it will only make it worse because i’m gonna take a hard mode that includes slapping, shocking and some cursing and while i will enjoy it, it might make her more insecure.

i just don’t know what to do in this situation, how to act. of course i’ll give her time, and i’m totally fine and i won’t rush anything, but is there anything else i can do? how can i understand her more? what should i do? how to make it right? is it even a right thing to “go with whatever she likes and don’t talk about the things that i like”?

[char]

Hi PomPom,

It seems like the two of you have had some conversations about each other's sexual preferences, but the conversation has been rather one-sided, if anything. I wouldn't say what's going on between you and your girlfriend is inherently abusive since people can learn and improve their knowledge in sexuality (including knowledge of what they like and dislike), but in consensual partnered sex, we get to express what each of us wants or does not want instead of just following what the other person wants. I looked at your past posts on here, and I wonder if this person is the same as the one you mentioned on your post about long nails? If that's the case, it does make me curious if she's had some doubts about having sex, or some (outdated) ideas about sex, in the past. It might explain her reluctance to talk about her sexual preferences and her worry that she won't be able to satisfy you.

I wonder if it's possible for you to share the list Andy linked above with her, and ask her to discuss it together with you. It can look like the two of you going through the list together, or filling it up on your own ahead of discussing it in real-time. If you haven't mentioned it in the past, when you ask her to look through the list, you may want to express how important it is for you to understand her preferences as well because there are two people in this relationship. Without knowing what she wants--and if she's had worries about sex--it'll be challenging (or impossible, really) to have sex that the two of you truly enjoy. Know what I mean?

Lastly (for now), this isn't related to sex per se, but I looked up Horror Quest (since you mentioned it) and if my research was accurate, it's an escape room/haunted house? Considering the nature of the experience, I do hope she could research it in advance before going. Have you talked to her about what could happen there?

[PomPom]

Hi, yeah she knows about horror quest, what’s going on there and all that stuff, we decided that for now we can entertain ourselves with something different (and also less expensive). thats not the problem now.

I’ve also shared the list with her, even translated it fully to our native language. as far as i know she went through it, at the moment she didn’t share her answers, but i can imagine what she would write. but recently she dropped a bomb on me, and i guess i wanna put things together in my head and also maybe get some advice from you, idk.

so. she called me, and we were just chatting about random things. then she goes really quiet and tells me that she thinks that me and her have the same type in girls, and it is bad. because in her opinion, in our relationship she’s mostly in this domineering position , like she’s older (2 years), she’s finishing college, already has a job, more money and in intimate life (wich we basically don’t have) she also puts herself in more dominant position. she told me that when she’s with me, it’s okay, but when she’s alone she feels like she lacks something , but she doesn’t know what she’s actually missing. Also, for some reason, she doesn’t want to have sex with me, and it bothers her because with her ex partners she was sexually active. and she goes “like this is a big problem and it affects me & you and if it’s not gonna change i don’t know how this relationship will work”.

but here’s a catch: she doesn’t let me do anything. i don’t even know what it means for her to be in a domineering position (she told me it’s not about money), and i cannot finish my college in a few months so there’s nothing i can do. i was thinking about getting her flowers - she told me to not do that, because she lives with her parents and doesn’t want to explain where she got them (she’s closed). okay. when i try to figure out whether shes comfortable, or what she likes (in sex and relationships) she told me that she’s tired from my questions, that she’s not comfortable with it, and that i’m caring too much. ( i literally asked if the joke i made was offensive to her )

in sex, when i try to take initiative, she also doesn’t let me. i asked if she wanted me to do oral sex on her , she turned the tables and told me that she wants to be the one who does it. but nothing happens because she’s afraid that i won’t cum, or that she won’t be able to do it correctly, or get me in the mood ect, etc.

she also told me that she genuinely can’t imagine me in this mysterious “domineering position” because from the moment we started talking, she put herself in it.

oh yeah, and she also told me that she doesn’t want to solve this problem right now, because she has her finals and she also doesn’t feel herself very well mentally (because of the stress from studies and political situation that we live in) okay i get, no pressure, but she promised me that she’ll change, EIGHT MONTHS AGO. after our first heavily fight because of her reaction to me not coming during our first intimacy. and even though we’ve been on and off together, she could have solved it. she didn’t. also! we all live in the same country, in the same political system that destroying us, and we all have problems and concerns about our education.

i don’t know. i love her, and i’m fine with us not having sex at the moment, i’m more frustrated with her telling me that it’s affecting our relationship when she doesn’t want to do anything about it. i feel like even though she’s acts differently right now, it’s more likely because I was patient enough and helped her be more comfortable with talking about intimacy and not running away from it.

is there anything i can do in this situation? how to talk about it again? or is it all i could do and i can either break up or let this go and see what will happen next?
sorry for the long post, i tried to shorten it as much as i could

[Anya]

Hey PomPom,

This situation seems so tricky! Let's see what we can do about supporting you through this and figuring out some options.

So first off, I want to talk about some big, more overarching things i'm noticing. Through all of your posts it seems like youre totally aware of the sifference in your and your partner's sexual preferences. Everybody has different wants and desires that are unique to them, and its quite common to find yourself in a situation where yours don't completely align with your partner's. Relationships are often about finding middle ground, and coming to a compromise in one way or another. Sometimes that means it's only tolerable to one or both people, but ideally, it should still be an enjoyable and likable middle ground. This can show up in a variety of ways, but where it gets really tricky is when the thing you're compromising is actually really important to you. It's easy to compromise on where to get food or who gets the fluffier pillow in bed, but when something like sex feels like one of the most important parts of both your relationship, and perhaps the kind of person you are, its absolutely reasonable to feel stuck. I did notice that you said, "she promised me that she'll change" regarding talking about this stuff and figuring it all out, but in my experience, waiting around for someone to just "change" is not a good use of your time. Generally speaking, when someone shows you who they are, espeically consistently, it is up to you to either be at peace with who they are right now in this monent, or realize that actually neither of your needs are quite met in the way you want.

I'm sorry if that's not what you really wanna hear right now, but you are not alone in this experience.

It does seem like you tboth have talked extensively about this, even to the point she has told you she doesn't want to anymore, so even though i'm usuallyt he proponent of more communication rather than less, it might be time to talk very plainly with her about if what you are both getting out of the relationship is satisfying and enjoyable enough for both of you.

I want you to take a look at this article of ours as it may help make clear some of you feelings: Should I Stay Or Should I Go? as well as this advice column which may help with some more self reflection: Everything Is Amazing Except For The Sex

How is all of this feeling for you?

[PomPom]

hey, thank you for your reply. i just wanted to say that i’m ready to compromise, in sex too. it not that big of a problem and at the moment i’m perfectly fine with it. the thing that upsets me is that my gf is very stressed about all this stuff and mentioned a few times that if this goes on she feels like our relationship won’t work. but she doesn’t want to work on this problem, and she doesn’t want to take my help!!

this is just insane and it pisses me off. i know we have some things that we are both attracted to, hell i get aroused when we’re just kissing. and i’m fine with taking our time, especially since she’s my first partner and i also have vulvodynia and my sensitivity is really low, so i have time to deal with this stuff, no rush. i just don’t want this thing to get between us, and it apparently does at the moment.

in the summer we had a really bad conflict because of this. i didn’t come during our intimacy and she got so stressed out that in the morning she texted me that she wants to break up. this triggered a massive fight and we managed to talk this out. when i asked her , how can i trust her again, is she going to change something? go to therapy? she told me yes. that didn’t happen, and here we are again and i get this tinyyy feeling that she’s about to fly away because of her own insecurities and fears. and i dont know what to do. i love her and love to be with her but i don’t know what to do. is there anything i can do honestly? if she doesn’t want my help at all. Rescue of the drowning is up to the drowning people themselves.

[Anya]

Hey PomPom,

Yeah, honestly I think that analogy at the end is all too true. You can love them, help them, and create all the spaces for them to feel comfortable, but if they don't and won't communicate about it, there really isn't a lot you can do. When I was talking about being at peace with where someone is at, and getting comfortable with that if possible, it does also apply to your partner herself. I know that you said you feel okay with where you're both at, but it sounds like she may not be. The only thing I think you can do about this is talk about it and ask her how she feels, but unfortunately you can't ever control whether someone is wanting or ready for the kind of relationship you want.

I wish I had better answers for you, it really is so hard sometimes. We're here to talk about it as mcuh as you want. I really would give those articles a look though, if you haven't. It might spark some insight.

[PomPom]

hi. recently we’ve talked about it with her again. now she also told me that she doesn’t want to see me and she needs a break. before that we’ve also had a fight and i felt emptied.
sometimes i feel like i’m sitting on the train station waiting for my train to come, without knowing when it will happen, or will it happen at all? maybe the train stopped going at all and the station is abandoned? that’s how i feel about our relationship sometimes. i have no control over our future, it all depends on her problems. maybe i should’ve made her feel more comfortable, give her space, stop mentioning it at all. but at the same time i think - she’s a big girl, if she can’t even answer me what she wants to do or how can help her or how she’s gonna deal with it why would i try to do something more, baby her when i dont even know if it’s gonna help at all?

so after a few days of our “break” i texted her that i think that it won’t work. i didn’t think much of it. she texted me “okay let’s break up”

now i don’t know. i wanted her to try to save this, talk it out. but she just accepted it and doesn’t want to do anything at all.

when i think with my brain i think that it’s a good decision, when i start thinking about how good it was to be with her i start doubting my decisions. especially since i’m gonna be single again for god knows how long. aghhhhhh
i’m about to text her and take that back

[amber]

Hi PomPom,

I'm sorry you are going through this. Hopefully there are some friends you can turn to while going through the very common back-and-forth feelings after a breakup.

You are absolutely right that you were only ever able to control yourself. It sounds like you were open to having conversations and working on some challenges within your relationship. It sounds like you both were just not a good fit.

Here is an article that may be helpful for you at this time -- Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking .

As always we are happy to help you chat about whatever comes up for you. <3

[PomPom]

this is insane. i’m actually about to lose my fucking mind.
we’ve talked a lot about it, and turns out all of her problems DIDNT BOTHER HER THAT MUCH. that she DIDNT THINK ABOUT THEM THAT MUCH. that in her opinion this all could’ve been solved pretty easily.

she never told me this. she was CRYING. sounding absolutely serious and upset about everything we’ve talked about. i was living in this world that she’s traumatized that i’m always doing everything wrong that i need to try harder to help her, that she’s so deep in her problems that she’s depressed and afraid of sex.

TURNS OUT NO. she didn’t tell me. ever. never fucking thought that i would care so much.

and now she’s doesn’t want to go back together AFTER 6 HOURS FROM OUR BREAK UP because those were “ very serious words” bitch. this is dumb. i’m about to bang my fuckinf head on the wall. the fuckinf audacity to never stop me from caring and trying to help her. i don’t know what to do. i feel like it was actually such a dumb reason to break up but at the same time i’m so fucking angry.

this pattern of mine repeating itself over and over again. i ALWAYS care too much. how do i STOP.

[Heather]

Hey there, PomPom.

I have some things I can contribute for you per this situation and your questions, but how I answer and what I have to say is somewhat dependent on how long you've been in this relationships. Your post previous to this suggests it's only been about a month, but a few posts ago you were talking about a conversation eight months ago. Can you fill me in on how long you've been dating? I ask because both attachment to a relationship and breakups tend to be and feel different when it comes to something that's brand new and something that's being going on for around a year or more.

[PomPom]

technically, we’ve been dating only for two months. but we’ve known each other since July, and since July we had this relationship/friendship, that never was actually any friendship to begin with. i also have another post about her, that started around that time and have the most replies in my account. so yeah. it’s been 9 months.

[Heather]

Okay, thanks.

I'm not hearing what sounds like caring "too much" (including because I'm not really sure we can care too much, exactly, in intimate relationships) to me here. I get the sense that this is more about getting invested in something.

I can't speak to your patterns per any previous relationships without knowing more from you, but when I look back at this post, I am seeing some things that I would personally have interpreted as big clues this probably wasn't a good match. (I want to be clear, though: I doubt I personally would have had much of that clarity at 17, that feels like a lot to ask of someone so young. I'm talking about what I know by now at 55, after 30 years of working in this arena, no less.)

Big fights early on and big disconnects, more than one breakup or want-to-breakup, having to do what feels like a lot of lifting to make things work emotionally for one or both of you, one or both people voicing concerns of some kind or another, one or more people saying from pretty early on they have other priorities, people voicing they feel insecure with each other, communication issues, and feeling like things are very high-key or high-stakes a lot of the time...all of these kinds of things and more tell me that this is just very unlikely to be a good match as far as a partnership is concerned, and some of these things even suggest to me it might be a particularly bad one.

I do also think that if and when we tell someone that we don't think something is working, especially in a relationship that is still relatively new -- nine months is still awfully fresh, in my book -- we need to be prepared for them to agree with us and look to move on. I hear that you were just expressing how you felt without maybe thinking much of how she might respond -- as a person without a lot of filter, I get it -- so I understand this must have come as a shock, and I'm sorry about that. But it does sound like in the end, you've got a lot of anger that built up around this, and she obviously doesn't feel right in this, so with that and all the stuff that's being going on, I do think this is probably a relationship that's good to move on from.

And it may be that some of the answer to your questions about your patterns is simpler than you suspect? After all, it's not uncommon to spend a handful of weeks or months dating someone to find out that it's not a good fit. And at the age you're at -- and she is, too -- what's most common are for romantic or sexual relationships to last about exactly this amount of time. I say that because some of this may not so much be a pattern as a developmental stage, if you get me.

By nine months, for sure, you're starting to settle in some, but again, in this case, it sounded like the relationship was rocky for a lot of it, so it may be that part of the issue is just that you're getting invested too soon, rather than taking more time to really evaluate the relationship and we pretty sure it's a really good one for both of you before settling in and investing more time and energy, or making any big compromises. In the first few months of a relationship, at least, things should feel incredibly easy, the connection should feel strong, and while it takes time to build trust to share some things (which may have been part of her issue here), communication should also be pretty free-flowing between us and someone we're dating. If it feels like work from the start, that's usually a sign in my experience that it's just not going to be something good.

Of course, this just happened.

So, while I get going to "why does this keep happening to me," it may be that right now, what you actually need is just to feel all the feelings of this split and just deal with this breakup for now, giving yourself some time to grieve it and let go of it, before you take yourself to task for your patterns or even look too deeply at them. Know what I mean? <3 Sometimes just feeling our feelings post-breakup alone illuminates some things, but wven when it doesn't, it's important to do for ourselves.

[PomPom]

it does sound right and fitting to the situation. but i don’t know. i know this sounds dumb and selfish but i don’t want to let it go. i wanna try again, solve out these problems, invest in this again. i just don’t want to let it go, even though somewhere deep down i feel like it might be for the best. but i love her. i love to be in a relationship. i love investing into the relationship. it’s like my favorite hobby, probably the only one that can love me back. i don’t know how to let this go. i feel this anger and because of this i want to hold tighter. is this messed up??

[Heather]

You know, I don't think it sounds dumb or selfish, but I do think that this relationship sounds like a pretty bad one, and I don't personally think continuing it would be good for either of you.

Honestly, even though I get you're big in your feelings right now, as we all often tend to be with a breakup we didn't want, I think that when you find yourself easily calling someone "bitch" like you did up there in that post, it tells you a lot about how you feel about that person, and it isn't telling you anything good. You also do not sound like you have loved investing in the relationship: it sounds like you are really resenting it and the person you were in it with, especially when her wants conflicted with yours. This does not sound to me like it was a healthy relationship, and I will never advise people to hold on to or try to go back into an unhealthy relationship, because it's just bad for everyone. <3

I don't see you two acting with love towards each other in these posts, and I suspect you may not have love for her so much as attachment to the idea of living her or the idea of loving someone, period. None of this sounds like people who loved each other to me. I'm sorry....but also I am not sorry, because trust that when love is actually involved you are going to feel very differently than you have felt in this. It won't be all tortured and volatile and disconnected like this, I promise. And healthy relationships where you are a good fit with someone won't come with all these problems to solve so early on, either. I don't believe they can be solved between you, either. Again, I'm sorry.

Letting something go fresh from a breakup isn't always possible. More often, we all need time to just feel our feelings first and mourn the loss before we can move on from the loss. Can you give yourself the time and space to do that for at least a few days or weeks?

[JeremyAlexander]

Sorry, I wanted to write a short encouraging reply, but I see people here are writing such long and detailed replies. Is it possible to write short messages here?

[Heather]

People are welcome to leave posts or replies of any length here, we just ask that everyone consider if their replies will offer the OP something that hasn't already been offered to them first.