I don't know if I was abused or not

[Oscar Doe]

Warning I will go into detail. I just wanna talk about it and I want to know if anyone else has experienced this or considers what I went through abuse
So I can't remember much of my childhood so I don't know if there was possibly other situations or times where things happened to me. I honestly think maybe there is and I don't know about it because my brain blocked it out but here's what I know happened.
So this first thing isn't assault or abuse but I think it affects me the same way, because as a little baby I couldn't have known that it was medically necessary. And I don't even know if stuff that happens to you as a baby does affect you when you grow up. I'm really curious about that and I haven't been finding any articles on it. So when I was a baby I had something called labial adhesions, basically my labia would stick together and it was really bad in my case. I even had to be cut open. Anyway, apparently my mom had to apply petroleum jelly to me to keep my labia from sticking together. This is all that my mom has told me. She also doesn't remember if my dad ever did it as well. I am glad that I know that this happened to me, but I kinda wish I didn't know. It just disgusts me and disturbs me to think about even though it was not abuse.
The second thing that I know for sure happened to me was my father making inappropriate and weird comments about me and my body. I remember one particular instance he pointed out that my boobs were growing in big and him and my mom had a big fight. Another time he told me a story about his sister had big boobs too growing up (I had not brought this up idk why he's talking about my boobs) and that she had got bullied for it. I don't know what the point of this story was and it made me uncomfortable that he felt the need to point out that I have big boobs. He was just pretty weird in general and made comments to my siblings too, I don't remember all the times like I said I don't really remember a lot of my childhood I have a handful of things that I know happened. He also wouldn't lock the door when he went to the bathroom and never taught us to knock when we were kids. I don't know if this was intentional, I have no way of knowing this, but I do remember walking in on him. And he would leave the door open while bathing.
I don't remember ever being touched or assaulted. I genuinely don't know if that ever happened. I don't know if what I went through is abuse. One friend told me it is. But I don't know. I don't know a lot of people who have experienced sexual trauma and I just wanted to ask more people and get opinions. If you are comfortable giving your opinion I would appreciate it very much

[Latha]

Hello and welcome to the boards, Oscar Doe! We can absolutely chat about how these experiences have affected you.

The first thing I want to say is that we don't even need to get into the question of whether abuse happened to recognize that these experiences hurt you, and that you are struggling because of them. If it would help to recognize that as trauma, then that is exactly what it is.

I think it affects me the same way, because as a little baby I couldn't have known that it was medically necessary

That does make sense. I mean, people can develop trauma from medical interventions that they consent to and fully believe are necessary--even when everything goes well. Though you needed treatment for labial adhesions, you had no control over how it happened, that is a kind of touch that would normally not happen for you these days, and it conflicts with your need for privacy. The things that happen when we are very young can affect us once we are older, but even without that, I understand how hearing about it in retrospect would leave you feeling disturbed.

The second thing that I know for sure happened to me was my father making inappropriate and weird comments about me and my body.

I'm so sorry to hear that you had to listen to your father make these comments about your body, and about your siblings too. Have you ever tried to talk to your father about the interactions that have made you feel uncomfortable? If you did, do you believe he would listen?

I ask because I think feeling like someone doesn't care for your boundaries and is forcing a degree of intimacy that you are not comfortable with can be deeply alienating. I imagine that would only be aggravated if you felt like there was no way you could communicate your discomfort and set limits that would be respected.

[Oscar Doe]

Have you ever tried to talk to your father about the interactions that have made you feel uncomfortable? If you did, do you believe he would listen?

Yeah I have he doesn't see a problem with his behavior and notably thinks that his boundaries are the only ones that matter. I really don't like him. I have tto live at his house every other weekend I'm at his house I want to go home so bad

[Latha]

Accidentally seeing a family member naked, or hearing an off-color comment from them... feelings from incidents like that can be soothed with good communication and respect. It sounds like at least part of the trauma you've described is cumulative--the result of a larger pattern in your relationship with your father where you don't feel heard. What do you think?

Your parents may have an existing agreement for when you stay with them, but your comfort matters. If you don't want to stay to your father's place every other weekend, that should change. You've mentioned that your mother has stepped in to defend you when your father makes those comments, so I'm hoping she could advocate for you here. Have you ever talked to her about how you don't want to stay at his home, and about how you don't feel like you can set boundaries with him?