Handling a Huge Family Secret

[Sofi]

Hi spottedowl, nice to hear from you. Congrats on the job interview!

I gotta say, I disagree that it makes no logical sense to feel that way. They're your parents, you love them, and most of us grow up sort of idolizing our parents, seeing them as role models. It can be hard to face the reality as adults that they aren't perfect and that they're sometimes wrong. It's valid for you, at the stage of life you're in, to feel this tug in separate directions.

It's great that your mom wants to discuss your plans to become more independent, and that they both said they support you in that. I do think that's an important step for you to take. It will help you have a more clear mind to think through what kind of relationship you want to have with them, and what kind of boundaries you want to set with them.

Lots of people who go low contact or even no-contact with their parents don't hate them - which, yes, can make it harder to make that decision. Ultimately you can decide someone isn't healthy to have around, you can set strict boundaries and limit communication or visits with them, without hating them. You have to figure out what's best for your own mental wellbeing and if they're causing you damage constantly, it's okay to say "I still love them, but I need some space for my own good".

Making that decision will be hard while still living with them, though, which is why I think moving out and becoming more independent from them is a great first step. It will give you the space you need to think it through, and you can test our different dynamics with them to find what amount and type of contact works best for you. How do you feel about that?

[spottedowl]

Hi,
Yes, your advice makes sense. I definitely need to move out and get some space from my parents and grandma. I already felt the space for feelings and a good emotional distance when I was in my own apartment while attending college.

The next step is to pay for my own apartment with my own money, and go from there.

I guess the main thing is I feel like I have to fix the family’s problems. They are my parents and grandma, I know them almost as much as they know me, and it’s hard to resist the impulse to bring up all the ways they emotionally hurt me several years ago when they ask for parenting advice, or encourage me to share my emotions.

I recently talked about it with my therapist and he urged me to accept that my family would never be perfect and that I cannot fix a person’s issues for them, only try to do what is best for me in the circumstances I find myself in.

I try to do the above as best I can, but it’s still really hard.

[maille]

Hi spottedowl,

It has been a minute since I chimed in here, but I just got caught up on your thread and am so excited to see you sorting out and working through the tough stuff.

It is nice to know that the feeling of space is familiar from your college days and that you have a reference of that feeling to look forward to. I think that moving out is a great goal to keep focused on. Is there anything else from your college days that you want to feel again or reincorporate into your life?

The reality, as I am sure you know, is that you are not responsible for your family's emotions or problems. We can know that this is the reality and still acknowledge that it is tough to accept. There is what I believe is a Buddhist principle about pain and suffering. Essentially, it is something along the lines of 'suffering is the avoidance of pain'. Yes, life has pain. It sucks and hurts and is absolutely inevitable for all of us. What we can resist is the avoidance of that pain, and instead accept that reality is as it is and that your family has issues, just as we all do. You might look into the practice of radical acceptance if it doesn't feel too 'woo woo' for you. How does this idea sound?

All the best as always, spottedowl!

[spottedowl]

Hi,

Thanks for the advice about radical acceptance. I found some books on it and am actually in the process of reading them now, on recommendation of my therapist, so I’ll let you know how that goes.

One thing I’d really like to feel again from my early college days is this feeling of endless playfulness and fun that characterized that time in my life. Even when I wasn’t sure I would make it through medically, my days were filled with lots of inspiration, this anything goes life philosophy, and it was my highest creative peak so far in my life. I’d love to recreate that feeling (obviously without the illness).

Even in my childhood and teen years, there was this endless exploration that seemed to push the boundaries of what learning could be. My first time reading Leo Tolstoy and having that reshape my understanding of literature, learning about prime numbers and excitedly wanting to play around with number theory, learning about math in the arts and nature, and the connections between music and history.

I could give so many more examples but it was like finding all those connections, solving the problems, seeing what happened if I pulled that lever or pushed that button.

However, for the past several years it’s all been about getting that letter grade “A” and prepping for a job, which makes me feel empty inside as I don’t use the part of my brain that wants to explore and play around with ideas anymore.

I’ve talked about this with my therapist, but so far am stuck brainstorming ideas that let me accept this playful part of myself, and lead a more adventurous life on my own without my parents facilitating like they did in high school, but I need space from them now?

[Latha]

Hi there, Spottedowl!

When you're younger, life is more often structured in a way that makes it easier to connect with feelings of playfulness and joy. Learning to do so as an adult can really require more intention and planning--often there are things that seem to take higher priority (like getting good grades and a job), so it can be hard to make these things happen. But there are benefits to being older-- you have more independence and mobility, for one. What ideas have you thought of so far? Out of curiosity, have you looked into programming for adults at your local library?

[spottedowl]

I think it just took time for me to develop a sense of wonder. At the moment, I'm volunteering at my religious center, knitting, playing chess and going to public speaking classes, and I start an internship this month. Although the job is unpaid it will give me experience in my field. However, I still feel bad because I'm not earning money yet, and money is what my parents kept from me when they insisted I stay at home and attend college after my friends' deaths.

Another thing that's been helping, is putting myself and my interests first, which has lead to the blossoming of various interests in math, and statistics, when I realized that nothing was blocking me from pursuing my interests other than my own belief that I wasn't driven enough to do it.

I also had an epiphany earlier this week when I realized that I don't have to date, marry, or have kids if I don't want to. I was wasting energy trying to fit the imaginary date nights that I didn't even want into my life. As soon as I realized I didn't have to do any of it, there was just instant relief.

I've also learned that rebellion is sometimes necessary, like me sharing my story on this website, or keeping a journal about it and just being very kind to myself and accepting what happened. I'm not being a bad person just because I don't want to share certain feelings with my parents, or be completely honest with them about how I feel. I'll always love them, but I'm also allowed to not forgive them for the way they treated me.

[Latha]

Hello and welcome back, Spottedowl!

What a great update! You're feeling less pressured to live according to other people's expectations, you've regained a sense of wonder and progress with your interests and hobbies, and you're moving forward professionally--it sounds like things are really happening for you!

I am glad to hear that this has been a space of rebellion, where you can be honest about how you feel in all of its complexity. You are right that you can love your parents and not forgive them for the ways in which they have hurt you.

I understand feeling bad about still having to rely on your parents for money, given the role it has played in your relationship with them. I hope you won't blame yourself though--the economy has been difficult for most everyone, and there is no shame in relying on family where you need it. You are getting closer to financial independence with these changes, so that it something to celebrate!

Congratulations, and good luck with your internship!

[spottedowl]

Hi,

Life has actually been going ok for me nowadays, I have an internship that soon to be converted into a job, maybe within the next few months, but my aunt won’t stop questioning me about independence.

She just wants me to get a job and my own apartment as quick as possible and leave the family home, I want to go meet other LGBTQ people my age and make a home for myself with people who know my story and accept me for who I am, which the therapist taught me is not my family-they won’t accept me, and that’s sad and freeing at the same time.

My aunt doesn’t know what I’ve been through and all the stuff I’ve had to process to get where I am today, and honestly I don’t feel like sharing with her even if it wouldn’t destabilize her and my uncle, which past experience tells me it would be bad and destabilizing to share it with them.

I guess what I’m asking is, how do I get my aunt off my back, and how do I gain independence while dealing with the anger that comes up from the fact that when I wanted independence after recovering and losing my friends, my family did not allow that to happen and forced me to stay at home.

A current example is not being able to take the train into the city for work, despite my dad’s coworker telling my dad point blank that I was ready to take the train. I feel like a hypocrite saying to my aunt that I value independence and not backing it up with action, because I feel lucky for the support I got from my parents after my illness.

[Heather]

Hey again, spottedowl.

Before we weigh in more on this, can you remind me why you're still living with family? Is it possible to change that?

[spottedowl]

Hello,

Honestly that’s a good question. I’m still staying with my family because I don’t have the money to pay for my own place (it’s an unpaid internship), and any place my parents pay for, they will invite themselves over to it.

I was able to have my own apartment in grad school, a year ago now, but my parents invited themselves over a lot and my dad drove over there to stay with me, allegedly to help with the anxiety and make sure I was doing okay, but I think also to keep an eye on me.

That experience was hard, because I was unable to openly grieve my friends with my dad there, (he’d ask me why I was feeling sad, and encourage me to hang out with him), and things got better when he moved out in the last few months of my degree. Then my grades slipped (I still passed) because I was dealing with a lot of sadness and finding it hard to work, and I had to listen to a lot of pointed questions from parents on what I was doing in that apartment alone.

I want to get away from my parents and have my own space, I really do, but I don’t know how to do that without hurting their feelings or making them worry a lot. Plus, money doesn’t grow on trees. (I tried to get a roommate so my parents couldn’t invite themselves over, but there were hardly any responses, and the ones that did respond I wasn’t able to meet with.)

[spottedowl]

Oh and one other thing, I find it ridiculous that my sister (high schooler) and me (27), need to live with my grandma while my parents go on vacation. I suggested that I could take care of the house and make some easy meals (pizza, pasta etc), and go to my internship as I’m 27, but my parents said no, citing that my grandma would be nervous (my grandma is nervous about everything). It’s just like my parents don’t trust me with adult things.

[lilikoi]

Hi spottedowl!

Wow. I really sympathize with your situation. You mention that you feel some hesitancy to leave the house because doing so would hut your parents feelings and make them worry a lot. I'd encourage you to reframe your thinking about that. Leaving your family home is such a fun part of finding independence. As an adult, you have every right to try living your life the way that you want to.

Your questions about getting your aunt off of your back and finding a way to make life choices without hurting your parents feelings assume that we can control other people's feelings. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that what you do will change the way the people around you respond. The best that we can do is to share our wants, needs, and requests calmly.

Your plan to secure a job in a field that makes you happy in order to move out of the house sounds like a great option based on what you have shared with us so far! You are not a hypocrite for wanting independence but going about it carefully. If anything, I would say you are making it more likely that your attempt at independence will go well. It could be a good idea to work on a plan B in case your internship job position does not pan out. Could your aunt be worried you are over emphasizing a specific job over your larger goal of independence? Do you have a sense of where your aunt's sense of urgency is coming from? Is there a consequence of sticking around that your aunt is considering which you have not?