How do I deal with Pushy People on Sexual Stuff?

[AlloAroQueer]

Hi! So, I am a person with specific sexual interest who likes to explore such interest, and I have been trying to experiment with erotic/sex rp in text or games for a while, and while I do truly enjoy the general thing and going into it, I don't know why but I am having. Very bad experiences with the people that roleplay too. Technically, it has been only 2 people, but i think i probably need to deal with the problem before keeping trying.

Basically, the problem is that people push me and i slowly bend or convice myself to be open to the idea, because i am curious and i kinda want to hear this person, but it always ends feeling like they push my boundaries, i feel bad because i didn't enjoy the thing fully, and i don't truly know what to do when the boundaries in my head are blurry, or when they are set but the person keeps pushing. Also, when i start feeling uncomfortable with something that started nice and slowly twists into worse stuff. I am a bit annoyed about people doing this ngl, but i want advice and tips to just avoid a bad time.

[char]

Hey AlloAroQueer,

It must feel terrible to recognize that you're feeling uncomfortable in the sexual scenario you're in, but you're not too sure if the person causing discomfort is breaking your boundary or not. In this case, I think it's important to listen to your gut here: you're not enjoying the conversation, and the other person even brought up things that potentially harm you. After all, a good sexual relationship is based on active, enthusiastic consent--everyone involved must know that they are participating in a sexual activity, and that they positively want to take part without feeling like they are forced to do it.

As you mentioned that sometimes your boundaries seem blurry, I think taking a step back and reflecting on what you've set for yourself so far can be helpful. Since the first time you've understood and settled with what your sexual preferences are, are they up-to-date with your current circumstances? Have any of your preferences changed? Our checklist can be a good start, which you can see here: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist. While it doesn't focus on specific fantasy scenarios that may be present in online roleplays, it can give you an idea of what you want to consider during sex, online or in-person. Perhaps you can reference another list of sexual fantasies that are common in the roleplays you do.

This will take practice (so it's okay if you're not immediately good at it), but I feel like the "art" of standing up for yourself (i.e. assertive communication) is something we can and should learn and perfect over time (as you can read in this article: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/be-your ... -ourselves). Assertive communication can look like applying a 3-strike rule (e.g. "if this person brings up things that make me uncomfortable, I'll 'tolerate' them for at least two times and remind them that I do not consent nor appreciate what they're doing. But if they keep doing it, I'll tell them that we can't roleplay if they continue to disrespect me, end the conversation, and block them.") and using I-statements when sharing what you feel. (e.g. "I feel uncomfortable when you continue asking me to do [insert thing that makes you uncomfortable here] even though I've said that that is off-limits. I'd appreciate it if you stop doing so.") Just like in in-person sex, online roleplaying should be something that both of you enjoy. You get to decide what's truly good for you, without feeling worried that the other person might hate or berate you for not doing what they want.

Does all of this make sense? If you'd like, we can go through how you can best set your boundaries moving forward.

[Heather]

I also want to add that if and when you are online or on your phone, you always have the option to just close a window and/or block an account or a number without saying anything if that feels easiest and best.

None of us owes anyone continued communication or engagement in this kind of situation, and sometimes it's just not worth it to try and educate someone about boundaries and how to handle them when they are actively disrespecting them. <3