Confused/Torn about Porn as a Minor

[Canuck57]

I’m 13, and live with sex-positive parents. The only external porn I’ve ever consumed was from a book with sex scenes, though I didn’t know it had sex scenes when I started reading it. I’m pretty open with my parents, so I eventually told them (I don’t remember how/why.)

Anyways, I had grown up believing porn was okay to consume if you’re mature enough and an adult. I also learned about how porn was unrealistic and most of it was unethical and other stuff like that. So I never intentionally consumed external porn.

Then, I was reading on the boards and on the main website on Scarleteen, and received rather opposite messages to the ones I received from family; one article said something like “you are ultimately the only person who can decide if porn is good for you”, and and I read about a teen on the boards who was deciding if porn was right for them or not (as opposed to knowing it’s not since they’re a minor).

So I did more research and decided that, especially since I’m ace, I would be okay consuming porn as long as I was honest with myself about how it was affecting me.

That led to me trying to get onto Incognito mode on my browsers. It was blocked due to parental controls. That got me thinking, because I’d agreed with my parents about everything related to sex (except xenogenders). Then, I remembered the aforementioned book, and how, when my sibling asked to read the sex scenes, my parents said no. This could have been for many reasons besides them not feeling comfortable with minors consuming porn, but I believe it’s probable that’s the reason. Thinking about the Incognito mode controls made me mad at them for limiting a right I believed I had.

Now, I’m unsure as to if consumption of porn by minors, so long as it is ethical and the person is mature and responsible, is okay or not. Any help, information, or clarification is greatly appreciated.

Sorry if this was choppy; I have really complicated thoughts, and trying to put them in words is difficult.

I love my parents so much, and I don’t want this to hurt our relationship.

[Heather]

Hey again, Canuck.

It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with your parents, and also like they'd understand you being sexually curious, including about porn. I'm guessing the parental controls are on just because they have been on for a while, maybe for many years, since you were little, even. But it sounds like they are the kind of parents where you could also ask them about this, and ask them how they feel about porn if that's something you want to know.

I can't say if or how much that will inform what you ultimately decide is right for you, but since it sounds like you have a good deal of respect for them, maybe their opinions on this will be helpful to you. It might also be that talking to them about this is something you want to do to be sure that if they saw what you were looking for, it's not something you have to worry about damaging your relationship. It sounds like you may want that validated.

The material and replies you see here on the site about pornography and young people (or any people) is generally reflective of the consensus in modern sex education, so I'm not sure what any one of us working can really add to that, since we generally all share similar opinions about it. But if you want to talk through your own feelings here so we can give you some help coming to your own conclusions, you're certainly welcome to do that!

[Canuck57]

Thanks. I probably should have that talk with my parents sometime. Is there any advice you could give me for how to go about that? (It’s very intimidating thinking about telling them about my interest in porn and how to navigate that together. And also imagining them thinking about me consuming it.)

When you talk about the consensus on porn and young people/people in general, could you explain what the consensus is? That’s what I was looking for. Thank you.

[Heather]

Sure, but it's not particularly complex.

On the whole, most sex educators of young people agree that sexual media in and of itself is neither good nor bad, but neutral, just like sex itself is, where if it's good or bad -- thought in this arena, healthy and unhealthy is the framework we use instead -- is about:
• what's contained in the media, and if it supports healthy sexuality and sexual development, like the things discussed here: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/bodies/ ... evelopment
• how the media was made and distributed in terms of ethics: was fair labor involved throughout, including things like consent, healthy sexual practices (like safer sex and testing), and fair pay?
• how someone is using it: is it being used in a balanced way with the rest of their lives, and does the use support them feeling good, or is it causing distress or some kind of problems? Is it something someone is choosing to use knowing what it is, or are they seeing it under some kind of force or duress?

If and when sexual media contains depictions of healthy sexuality and relationships, and has been made and distributed ethically throughout all the chain of the process (from production to distribution to how someone accesses it), and is something the person accessing it wants to access and is using in a way that feels age-appropriate and beneficial to them, then generally sex educators will agree that it both isn't harmful and can even be beneficial.

[Canuck57]

Thank you. You’ve given me a lot to think on and process that will help me make good choices. If I do decide it’s right for me, are there any tips you can give me on navigating that conversation with my parents? Thank you again!

[Latha]

Hi there, Canuck57

We have an article with tips for talking about sex with parents right here: About That "Talk" with Your Parents... Would you look over it, and let us know if it gives you a good plan for how you might go about this?

You know, watching pornography is very common. If your parents are generally sex positive, it is likely that they know that many young people are interested in sex and watch porn. Hearing that you are among them should hardly be a revelation, if you were to start with that.

[Canuck57]

Thank you so much, Latha! I have learned so much. Do you think this would be a good conversation starter?
“I’m interested in pornography, and I want your help deciding if it’s right for me and, if so, how to safely, legally, and ethically access it. Could we discuss that (sometime)?”

[Latha]

You know your parents best, of course, but I do think that is a good conversation starter. It makes a clear, direct request, invites them to a discussion, and tells them exactly what to expect. Too, by suggesting a time, you're allowing everyone to choose when they'd be prepared to think about your question. Good luck!