I have a porn addiction and I don't know what to do about it

[Sunbent]

Hi. This is my first post here and I'm really nervous, so apologies if this doesn't make much sense.
As stated in the title, I (unfortunately) have a porn addiction. I'm 16, AFAB, and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I have received therapy for this abuse when I was younger, but I would like to get a therapist again to talk about this and also my other mental health struggles. I've mentioned this to my parents, who are open to it, but we don't have good insurance or excess money right now. I haven't gone into specifics of why I want it with them, just that I'm going through some hard times. They don't know that I look at porn at all, or that I masturbate (which is honestly very rare for me).
The thing with my porn addiction is that it isn't related to pleasure at all. I often feel a lot of shame and disgust with myself after I do it. I consider it a form of self harm. While I enjoy it in the moment, the feeling doesn't last. It seems to effect every part of my life at this point.
Why, you may ask, does it effect every part of my life? And to answer that I need to get into the specifics. I don't actually watch anything, rather I read pornographic stories and look at artworks, but they all are very kinky. Most of which are things I've been uncomfortable with for as long as I can remember, such as overeating/stuffing. Sometimes I consider that I might have developed a kink based on it, but I highly doubt that due to the disgust that always follows. (No hate to those who do enjoy feedism or stuffing, it is simply related to some poor memories for me) Lots of the stuff I engage in is food and digestive system related, even though I know how it affects me. I don't know why I do it, exactly.
Ive tried to stop my addiction myself, and I recently got to 31 days without engaging in this stuff! But then a few days ago I relapsed and I haven't been able to make it past two days. It makes me feel very gross and all it does is cause me more stress, and sometimes I do worry about how it might affect my relationships with both people and food.
I really hate to talk about this stuff, I don't want to be seen as a fat fetishist (as I am skinny myself) but at the same time I cant help myself. It's a sort of dark curiosity I suppose. I don't know what Im saying really.
Um, yeah. Thats about it for now? Feel free to ask questions or specifics about anything here, Ill try my best to be honest.

[Heather]

Hi there, Bows.

So, just so you're aware, porn addiction isn't actually a framework that's considered legit by most in the field of sex therapy, sex education, or other sexology, and same goes with addiction-based terminology like "relapse." Instead, when it's sound, we talk about sexual compulsivity. In your search for a therapist to help with this, I'd consider it a red flag if any therapist used the framework of addiction instead of compulsivity for this, just so you know. To me, that would tell me they were not current with their education, or that they are thinking about this in a way that is more likely to stigmatize you than help you.

It's pretty typical for compulsivity -- no matter how it shows up -- not to be related to pleasure. Sexual compulsivity usually involves people doing sexual things, like looking at sexual media or having sex with partners, that they feel compelled to do, that they can't seem to stop themselves from doing, but that they don't always -- or sometimes even ever -- want to do, or want to do the way they are. It doesn't usually feel good, and like you describe, there is usually a lot of shame involved and it usually feels like or plays out like self-harm.

I see that you're in New York -- are you in the city, by any chance? If so, there are some good low-cost/sliding scale therapy resources in NYC I'd be happy to share if you like. Otherwise, what kind of help would you like from us around this?

[Sunbent]

Hi Heather! Thank you for answering.
I can definitely see how this is a compulsivity. I'm diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and OCD runs in my family. I know compulsivity isn't exclusive to those with OCD, but it definitely is more prominent.
And no, I live nowhere near NYC I've never even visited there, funnily enough. Thank you though!

[Becky]

Hey Bows!

Sorry for the confusion. Your location on your profile is listed as New York.

Would you like help finding therapy resources in your area? We may be able to help.

You don't have to post your location here. If you want help with that I can post our contact form and we can move the conversation to email.

[Sunbent]

Ah no it's alright! I do live in New York, just not near NYC I live closer to Canada than anything.
If you could post the contact form that would be nice! I might not fill it out right away as I'm still new here and very nervous, but I may come back to use it at some other point in time. Thank you

[Becky]

Ohh gotcha haha! You'll have to forgive us non-New Yorkers. We think all of New York is NYC.

No worries at all, take your time! If you ever want to reach out with questions about therapy or other resources you can fill out this contact form to access our email: https://www.scarleteen.com/about/contact

Do you want to talk more about how you are feeling about everything while we're here on the boards? How do you feel about understanding your behavior as a compulsivity rather than an "addiction"?

[Sunbent]

Um I suppose I could talk more here? I mean, id like to talk more, but I don't know what to say exactly, and I don't know what might be 'too far'. Plus I'm not sure how a lot of my other thoughts truly relate to this.
And I think calling my behavior a compulsion makes sense. I still will use some resources I've already compiled that are generally used for addiction because I find that they help me, but thank you for helping me see this in a different light.

[Tara]

Hi, Bows:

I am glad Becky and Heather helped you to see this from a different perspective. Compulsivity can be linked to anxiety and part of the whole OCD loop. Oftentimes there are thoughts or feelings that stimulate the compulsion. It sounds like you are taking steps to break the cycle/loop because it is distressing to you, and you have had success with that!

You don't need to feel guilt or shame about repeating any behaviours you stopped because it is also a normal part of the process of trying to heal from something or change habits. I do think in a situation like this that therapy can be helpful to talk through any deeper thoughts or feelings that might lead to the porn compulsion. Are you able to access those resources?

[Sunbent]

I have talked to my parents about therapy quite a lot, but we aren't especially well off (one parent is self employed and the other is retired for medical reasons). They also have a lot of other things going on, medical stuff and business things, so I try not to add onto their load.
I also have a few 'requirements' for any therapist I go to? Like, I'm uncomfortable with AMAB people because of trauma and I generally would prefer in-person therapy. Sometimes I worry that these things are to... Stingy? I suppose? Like, I worry that my preferences are making it harder to get into an actual therapist.
I have gone to therapy before, once when I about 9 and another time about a year ago, though that one ended suddenly before all of my issues felt resolved due to insurance issues. I had just grown to like that therapist too and had planned to open up about this kind of stuff in the next session, which of course never needed up happening.

[mikky]

Bows, I totally understand that therapy can feel like a luxury, and I wish it was much much more accessible. Becky sent our contact form if you do want us to look for resources out of the city for you. Those "requirements" are pretty standard and not stingy at all. Most big online therapist directories let you filter for gender, in person/telehealth, insurance taken, type of therapy, and sooo many more.
Additionally, therapy in the US is a women-dominated field, so I wouldn't expect a huge reduction in options because of that.
I hear that you don't want to add to your parents load- how do you think they would feel hearing you say that?