Addressing misgendering w/ BFs parents??? And more.

[ratherslowseal]

Hello,

A little bit of context. My boyfriend and I have been together for about four months now, and I have made more-or-less regular appearances in his house for that time, plus a couple weeks prior. I met his parents (even briefly) pretty early, so we aren't strangers anymore. I should also mention that, while my boyfriend and I have never concealed the nature of our relationship to his parents, he is not out to them.

I am aware that there is a common (well, hopefully less common than it seems) theme particularly in romantic relationships where one partner is a trans man or transmasculine person who is pre-transition or early in their transition, and the other is a queer cis man, and the trans partner is pressured to present more femininely or outwardly as a "woman" in order for the cis partner to maintain the privilege of being in a heterosexual-passing relationship and/or simply because they don't respect their trans partner's identity (although the former is predicated on this). Although there have been elements of my experience as a trans person that my boyfriend does not intuitively understand and thus has on one occasion made a poor suggestion (that I could be introduced to his grandparents as his girlfriend), this was born from a lack of knowledge/understanding on his part, not a desire to belittle my gender identity, and we talked about it and he quickly realized the number of reasons why that would be BAD.

My boyfriend's parents have known that I am trans/non-binary since the beginning, and his mother was a little... weird? about it at first. When my boyfriend told her that he was going on a date with me, she asked him "why [he] would want to go on a date with someone who doesn't know what gender they are". For a while, she was very critical about me and our relationship under the pretense that "LGBT people have higher rates of STDs" (which is true but was obviously mentioned in bad faith and disregards other relevant factors), but she has warmed up to me more in the past month or so. His father is kind of confused about my gender, sometimes calls me "she" and sometimes "he", but it hasn't been a big deal to him.

Our parents met for the first time yesterday, and it went very well, but I did end up getting misgendered by his parents, which, I guess I should expect, but it still stung. I was hoping that having my mother there to kind of "lead by example" would/will help, even if not immediately. Afterwards, boyfriend and I went on a little walk and I mentioned my discomfort with it and that I have no idea how to address it with his parents. I asked him if he ever corrects his parents and he said no, and that he is also quite scared to bring it up. I can understand why. Even though they are his parents and he is their son, so they kind of have more of a reason to listen to him, that also means that he is stuck with whatever the fallout of that conversation might be at home.

Although, from my perspective, he also has some privileges that I don't in this situation, the first being that it isn't himself who is being misgendered, but me. So, especially as a masculine cis guy, he holds a very different position in this conversation than I do. I also have some complicated feelings about his aversion to (possible) conflict. I think that is pretty natural (it would not be a very good thing if someone sought out conflict or purposefully started it), but to me in this specific situation it kind of speaks to his own experience of having a good relationship with his family and having the choice of concealing his own queerness in order to maintain that. (I should probably also add that, while he is naturally incredibly nervous and hesitant about coming out to his parents, he does accept that he will either need to do so or the subject is going to come up eventually, with me going back on T soon).

I am also very conflict averse and non-confrontational, but, for me as a trans person, there is always more on the line. If I don't say something and stand up for myself, I am going to be subject to something (misgendering and the assumption of womanhood) which doesn't align with my identity and makes me dysphoric. It means that there is a huge misunderstanding between my concept of myself and how I am comfortable existing, and someone else's, and if we don't have some kind of mutual understanding of that, then that means they aren't seeing me for who I am, and it will inevitably cause some kind of resentment or conflict, internal or external. And, for me, this struggle does not begin or end with my boyfriend's parents. This is my entire life, and the less I have to deal with getting misgendered, the better, and I surely do not want to have to get it from two people who have been and are a huge part of my partner's life. (Who I certainly want to keep in my life, and to be a part of his!)

When we talked, we agreed that it would be best if we approached the topic together, and not alone, both for ourselves, to support one another, and also to better communicate to his parents that this is important for both of us. I am going to talk to him about my thoughts I expressed here, but I also think that we should talk about how we are going to initiate this conversation with his parents and what our expectations are. Like, identify what our ideal outcome is, and then identify what a (realistic) worst-case scenario is and what that would mean going forward. I also think it is better to approach the topic casually. I think it would put undue pressure on us if we were to try and sit down to talk about it. It doesn't need to be that serious, we aren't at that stage yet (and hopefully won't be). Although that does mean we would most likely only catch one of his parents at a time, most likely his mom, which I think would be fine.

At this point I think I am in a very sound place to figure this out. Navigating queerness with his parents has been the one thing I have been worried about in regards to our relationship, but I think, as we continue to talk about it and his mother warms up to me (and that it is clear that I am sticking around), I am much more optimistic about it. It also helps to know that, really, this is a pretty common issue for queer couples to have, it just takes communication and responsibility and readiness to navigate it together, even if you more often hear about negative outcomes.

[Becky]

Hi ratherslowseal!

I'm sorry you're dealing with misgendering from your boyfriend's parents but I'm glad to hear you're able to communicate about it together. It sounds like you have a good plan to address this issue with his parents going forward. I definitely think his support is really important in helping them understand that they need to use your correct pronouns. I agree that he holds the most sway with his parents and he could use that privilege to correct their behavior. I'm glad you have his support!

Unfortunately it is true that it may take his parents some time to learn how to adjust their language. I truly wish this wasn't the case. I just want to reaffirm that, even if they are unable to adjust their behavior to acknowledge your identity rather than the one they perceive or assume, your identity is true and real and valid. And there are spaces in this world, IRL and online, where who you are will be accepted without question.

Do you have spaces like that outside of your boyfriend and his family? Where you feel affirmed and don't have to explain yourself?

I'd like to offer you a couple of our resources, hopefully to offer some extra support:
Trans Summer School: Am I Trans Enough?
Trans Summer School: When Things Go Wrong (for this one, specifically the section on getting misgendered)

[ratherslowseal]

At present, with people who I know other than my boyfriend's family, I do not have a lot of trouble with misgendering, although that is something I am going to have to deal with when I go back to college this fall. I am very lucky to have a supportive family and accepting workplace.

I think, at this point, my biggest question is: what if his parents can't just hear "it is very important to me and my well-being that you refer to me with "they" or "he" pronouns" and accept that and adjust their language/behavior? What if I need to justify myself? Part of me feels like, if they end up being REALLY intent on needing me to "prove" something, then they were likely never to accept me in the first place (since then it would be conditional), but at the same time I realize that I could very well be the first trans person they've ever known personally, so this is likely a learning experience for them (if they have the right attitude). It doesn't really help me that I am not the most masculine person, my flavors of masculinity are more on the gender-non-conforming and alternative side of things. Even though I feel good with it and with myself, I still know that it could make this a more uphill battle for me.

I think this part is something I need to take to heart:

Sometimes family members are this way out of transphobia, but it’s often newness and confusion (“What is a trans person? How does this even work?”) or force of habit—hold your ground, and don’t be afraid to be “that person,” you know, the one who makes dinner table conversations awkward. All the best people are “that person.”

I also think that, after we can talk with them (or one of them) that him correcting them when I am not around (since that is most of the time) will be very important. I think he'd feel a lot better about that if we established understanding with his parents first.

Thanks so much.

[mikky]

hey ratherslowseal,
In your first post you said "I surely do not want to have to get it from two people who have been and are a huge part of my partner's life. (Who I certainly want to keep in my life, and to be a part of his!)." I think this is probably something to communicate to the parents if you get pushback as to why it is important to you: you want to have a positive relationship with them! I really hope they can be receptive to listening and trying on this.