Dating apps

[SilverFalcon92]

As of today, I ended up deleting all the dating not just the app but the whole account. The reason why I deleted it was because I wasn’t getting any matches at all, and it’s been around 2 weeks. I didn’t end up spending money on the platinum and premium ones, since it’s very expensive, and I couldn’t afford it, so I’m not sure if that stops me from getting any matches or maybe because my photos are just bad, and the woman swiped left immediately after seeing my first photo. I heard it’s common for men not to get any matches, so I’m not alone in this. I can keep going on about it, but I don’t want the post to get too long. I don’t think I’m ever going to go back to the dating apps ever again. I think the only app I’ll try is the grindr, especially for hookups and nothing serious. I don’t know what you think I should do?

[Anya]

Hey there SilverFalcon92,

I think you're right in acknowledging this experience to not be an uncommon one. You are certianly not the only one who has or currently is feeling this. Dating apps can sure be tricky due to the algorithms programmed in to kind of sort people by projected "compatibility." They don't always work the way we wish they did, and I think you're also right in noticing this percieved gender gap. Due to the high volume of men on dating apps and less women, on average, downloading and using them, its reasonable to really feel this gap when you use them.

Grindr can be a good option if you are looking for that shroter-term (usually) sexual connection first, but from our chats in the past I wonder if this truly is what you're looking for? I totally get feeling eager to jump into these kind of connections, so you're feeling here is absolutely valid and understandable.

Are there any in-person opportunities you might have to meet people? I know we've talked about running clubs in the past, but are there any other workshops, classes, clubs, meets, or activities you might consider trying out?

[Heather]

I do also just want to add that more times than not, dating and hookup apps are more of a long-game thing than the quick hit they may seem like or even be advertised as. It's totally fine to decide that they are not for you, or to use them sometimes and then not for other stretches of time, but I'd say that needing more than a couple weeks on any given app to start getting matches is not unusual, and it taking more than that for people of any gender to start getting *quality* matches is also very common.

[SilverFalcon92]

Replying to Anya
I had noticed that more men on the dating apps than women are, so that can be the reason why I’m not getting any matches and I shouldn’t be too surprised by the results, since most men don’t get any matches only like the top 10% of men that’s getting all the matches. And for grindr, I wanted to download that app so I could explore my sexuality a bit more. I’m glad you are able to understand what I’m coming from. I’m not going to let this experience ruin my self-esteem and confidence and, as for in-person opportunities, I joined a few clubs. I have been checking on social media to see events in my city and this one app is called meetup but that app you need to pay a subscription for that, so I’m not going to use that app for much longer. Is there a way for me to find more places to meet people that’s outside of college?

[SilverFalcon92]

Replying to Heather
For guys, yes, it takes a while to get any matches, even months, to get a few matches and then most of the time they won’t respond to the DMs Anyways, but for women it’s the opposite. They don’t need to spend any money or put any effort into their photos since guys are desperate and just accept anything but for a guy they need to take photos a certain way it starts to feel like you have to try hard a bit to look good when it comes to photo like woman say they don’t like selfie photos and fish photos. I mean, can we really blame them? When you get so much attention and validation, you start to become more picky about what you want from a partner? For me, I’m not desperate enough to settle for something I actually don’t want. I don’t mind being alone at all.

[Heather]

As a nonbinary and queer person, the binary way you're talking about gender isn't a good fit for me, but at the same time, you're also saying things that aren't actually the case, at least not to the extreme degree you're suggesting.

Yes, some of these disparities between cisgender and heterosexual men and women -- this appears to be who you are talking about -- on apps exist, but by no means do cishet women using apps have the easy, cost-free experience you are suggesting they do. Most cishet women using apps for dating absolutely still put effort into their profiles and photos (just ask those of us who are their friends who they ask for help every time they set up a new profile or want to try and change them because they're not getting matches they like, either). Many do also pay for them like everyone else (including because if you don't, it's much harder to find actually-good matches in the sea of people the most popular apps have on them, something even harder when you do have *more* people swiping on you). And yes, someone holding up a dead animal they killed often won't be a hit with people of any gender, but again, suggesting all women have issues with selfies or fishing pictures is being very simplistic. And, what the issue often is is that because cishet men tend to statistically -- in thew world as a whole -- be much more unsafe when it comes to dating, photos other people have taken or with others tends to be something that tells cishet women looking that those men have friends and other people in their life who at least like them.

"When you get so much attention and validation, you start to become more picky about what you want from a partner?" This also feels simplistic to me, as well as a little sexist, honestly. We can talk about this if you like, but I'd just suggest to you that the way you seem to be thinking about women you might date or who use apps that this isn't a great or particularly humanizing way to think about people you want to get close to, you know? And in the event any of what you have said here, or the ideas underneath it, showed up in the text of your app profiles, that might also be one reason you didn't get any takers yet, just FYI.

[SilverFalcon92]

Hey I wanted to apologize if I upset you in any way, as I didn’t mean for my post to upset you. I’m still learning about new stuff, like preferences; cisgender and heterosexual. I really was heavily influenced by people on social media, especially years ago, and I guess you can say I was brainwashed by it too, and, yes, they were being too simplified, and I didn’t know what simplified was until you said it and I looking it up and what I know is that people on social media is very simplified they give people a lot do false things that aren’t true especially the whole "red pill" videos and I also mention that one dating coach in my earlier post on this website about how to get more matches and etc. and that really affected how I saw dating apps and a few other videos as well. And also being raised too and growing up being taught about that as well, like how a man should act and how a woman should act. I’m now learning about what they/them are and nonbinary too, and I’m learning that people are different and people don’t go by that whole gender role thing and people have different preferences for dating.

[Heather]

I wasn't upset, no worries, but I appreciate your care and consideration. <3

But yeah, it was sounding like you picked up some ideas from some folks who were probably pretty sexist and oversimplifying all of this (my guess was red pill folks, so I am not surprised to hear that), and that obviously won't serve you!

[Heather]

I will say this: those kinds of folks always have the WORST ideas about all of this, and those ideas are absolutely the main reason, always, for their general lack of success with dating, not the kinds of things they suggest are the cause, like women being too picky, or how they look or what their income is. The fact of the matter is that it's very clear to many women and other people how much men who think like that think of them, and avoiding them is something smart those women do: those folks tend to be poor partners at best, and abusive at worst. It's also, I think, pretty easy to spot people thinking like they do on the apps, because they tend to give it away pretty quickly, if not in their profiles, once you're messaging with them. Avoiding red-pill people in dating is something anyone should be doing, because even if they don't cause them harm, they are not likely to have the interest in actually being good partners with anyone.

Dating coaches are also tricky to get information from because that's a for-profit business. They kind of need people to feel dismayed and to be unable to do any of this without help because that's how they make their money.

Again, I'm not a cishet person, but it doesn't seem like you are either. In the event you do decide you want to try and use the apps at any point, I am someone who has used them on and off in all their iterations (going back to when they were printed personal ads in the newspaper!), with a wide range of success and a lack thereof, and I'd be happy to talk with you more about how you can use them, or about some of the issues and challenges that comes up in dating, period, with or without apps. <3

[SilverFalcon92]

Thank you for telling me more about the truth. As a person who’s non-binary myself, I’m not into the whole gender role thing. The masculinity and femininity thing isn’t for me. At one point, I was brainwashed into believing I needed to make a bunch of money to date a woman. Even though me being 20 and still going to college, I wouldn’t have that kind of money at that moment. I started to learn that not all women are like that, as they don’t want a partner to waste all their money on gifts and dates. You can say that's simplistic too since people will assume that’s what all women want. And as for dating, coaches do tend to prey on vulnerable men who are insecure about who they are and try to get them to buy their course. One of the guys I mentioned in my earliest post will say you have to dress classically since that’s the way to attract all races of woman, you need to looksmax etc. Some men do like to dress that way, but for me that isn’t for me. I like to be unique in my own way. I don’t want to keep going on about them, it’ll start to look like an essay, but you get the point.

[Heather]

I'm glad this conversation has felt beneficial for you, and yes, I hear you about all of this.

You might not need to hear it, but in case you do, my firm belief and my experience of life -- my own, other people's etc. -- bears out that the right partners for us, people who can be good partners to us and vice-versa, will literally want, value and love us for who we are. Sure, both for our own personal growth and for some of the growth in a relationship, we'll all want to work on some things, and maybe even need to work on some things at some point, but what I am even talking about there is emotional work, not things like making money or changing how we look to better meet beauty standards. Anyone we have to struggle to meet the expectations or standards of just clearly isn't the right person for us.

Now, it often takes a lot of trying and searching to find those people we fit really well with, but they are out there and I do think it's worth it. I feel confident that over the course of your life, just by being yourself and letting others be themselves, you'll find your people. <3

[SilverFalcon92]

I agree with people who need to stop trying to be someone like someone they not just to make the other partner happy that’ll just stress you the fuck out and that relationship was never meant to be. People tend to say you need to have a rizz and a game. In reality, you need to just be yourself, and you’ll find the right person for you and when you find the right person for you, you don’t need to try and have "game" and "rizz" since that person will be interested in you. People should try to improve to be the best version of themselves and find out who you are to me. I think that’s the biggest self-improvement. Yes, finding a partner that’s right for me will take a while to find or maybe not. Maybe I just worry too much about finding the love of my life.

[Sofi]

What makes you so worried besides what you already shared? You are still pretty young, so I don't think it's time to panic or anything (not that I think there's really ever a time to panic about that, but you know). Have you felt like this for a while, or is this new?

[SilverFalcon92]

I won’t say I’m panicking right now I just wanna experience dating a different partner and finding what I actually want from a partner. Maybe I’m just addicted to woman or maybe I’m not.