Can’t cum with gf :(

[bricknmortar]

hiiiiiiii…. Ive been in a relationship for a while now (yay!) with a wonderful guy (yahoo!) and we have a lot of great sex, but I’ve never cum from it We’ve tried everything we can (sex toys, oral, dual stimulation) and I’ve done mindfulness and exercises, but I just can’t cum with them, or even while he is watching. It's super upsetting, I’m starting to feel like I’m just broken, and I know she's upset too. I don’t really know what can be done but some support would be great. Should I just give up? Is it weird if I just never cum from sex? What’s wrong with me Are we doing something wrong?
Cheers,

-Brick

[Anya]

Hey bricknmortar,

First off, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It is not weird to not orgasm during sex with a partner, and many people experience similar issues just like this. Not feeling able to orgasm with a partner often (not always, but often) comes down to subconsious feelings of pressure, anxiety, or stress. It's very common to feel on the spot, like you're being watched, or not ebing able to fully relax in this situation. These things tend to effect our psychological state (which play a bigger part in arousal, orgasm than we tend to think) and can potentially prevent us from feeling vulnerable or at ease enough to orgasm in front of someone else.

So it seems like you have been working through this for a while given your past posts and your mention of mindful exercises, so excuse any repitition in what I say here if you've already tried these suggestions. I am interested in exactly what you've been doing with these though, what kind of headspace you try and get into/what kind of exercises you've tried... Let me know so we can think through it together or narrow your options from what works/doesn't!

I want to share a few resourced with you. First, here is an advice column that covers a similar, not toally the same, but still quite relevant topic: When The Big O Is A No Show. Second, I want to share this article of ours that pretty much goes over some sexual response and orgasm basis for a bit more learning on what this process even is and how it might change when we're in the presence of others: Sexual Response and Orgasm.

How is all of this feeling to you?

[bricknmortar]

Hi Anya

What I've tried is mostly general, but i try to relax my body through deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation, and focus on the sensations. I try really hard to focus on what I'm physically feeling to avoid any self judgement or zoning out. Outside of sexual activity I journal an conflicts that come up (like if something is stressing me out) before having sex again.

I am reviewing the resources you sent over.

Thank you for your response It was helpful and also of comfort to hear I'm not broken, which was weighing on me.
Cheers,

-Brick

[Sofi]

Hi there! It's great to hear Anya's response was helpful. Please let us know after you're read through the resources so we can discuss any questions or thoughts that come up for you from them. I think the exercises you mentioned are really great, by the way, so keep doing those. We'll keep chatting after you've read the pieces sent (if you'd like to, of course). <3

[bricknmortar]

Hiya! After reviewing the resources a few thoughts stick out, for one I think that there is an underlying pressure or expectation to cum from both my partner and I, and its adding a lot more stress than I thought. Also I think we could use more foreplay, but honestly I don’t know how to bring this up to them. I’m sure they'll be supportive but it just feels kinda heavy right now. It also feels like I’m being needy… sometimes it doesn't feel like they have the same stamina I do. The idea of the 5 stages of arousal stood out, and I think putting emphasis on the desire and arousal aspects may make it more pleasurable. But i dunno. Part of me is exhausted, this feels like so much work. This is all stressing me out to an embarrassing degree, I’m not sure why I feel so afraid.

[Latha]

Hi there, Bricknmortar! Those are all great ideas for what you and your partner could try together to make sex feel better/less stressful for you.

When people say that they are not sure how to have a conversation, but they do know what they want to talk about, my guess is that they are usually worried about the potential consequences of speaking. If that is right for you, I wonder if it would help to think a bit more about why you are feeing afraid, and see if we can come to some answers. You've mentioned that you feel needy because you seem to want sex more than your partner. Has your partner ever said anything to imply that they are uncomfortable with that?

Because there is nothing wrong with wanting sex more often than a partner-- if you are not pressuring them to have sex whenever you want, that difference is just a neutral fact about you. And if you ask to have sex and they decline, that doesn't mean you've done something wrong or imposed upon them. You can't read their mind, so the only way to know what they want is to be told somehow.

Too, if thinking and talking about sex feels exhausting and stressful, would you like take a break and wait for sex to feel exciting and fun again? Sometimes, giving yourself time can make worries feel less heavy.