Turned on by something I probably shouldn't be

[LopezMonty]

For context, this happened about a year ago, but I can't stop thinking about it. I was watching a show called Banana Fish (despite the name, it's a very serious show).
It deals with dark topics like organized crime, trafficking, etc. This is relevant, I think.

In one episode, the main character (Eiji) is basically abducted by this mafia boss guy's henchman for two reasons: 1. he is close to the mafia boss' adopted son/abuse victim and 2. he is an attractive young man.

Another character (Yut Lung) ends up in the same place as the main character because he plans on manipulating the mafia boss guy through sex. This character is also a very attractive young man.

So basically, to make a long story short, the two end up naked (though censored) on a bed waiting for the old mafia boss guy to show up. The main character is not consenting, and the other character's consent is dubious at best.

Yet, while watching, I was turned on somehow?! I felt, and still feel, terrible about this. Thankfully, nothing happened and the two were able to escape, but I still feel bad. Sometimes, that image of the two of them naked on that bed still pops into my mind, and it makes me feel hot and sick at the same time.

Is there something wrong with me?

[char]

Hi LopezMonty. As someone who's familiar with Banana Fish, I understand how distressing the series (both manga and anime) can get. While I haven't finished the anime, I know that it's filled with physical violence, sexual abuse, and other forms of harm, even in the first few episodes. It even has a tragic ending, if I recall correctly. But it's been a while since I last watched it (eight years ago, I think?) so my memories are probably a bit spotty.

With that out of the way, I'd like to let you know that nope, there is nothing wrong with you. Sometimes we feel aroused by things that we didn't expect would make us aroused—including acts of sexual abuse in fiction. But these thoughts are just that: thoughts. They don't define who you are as a person or what you believe in. As long as you don't replicate the abuse in real life, you are not a bad person. We have an article discussing this, actually. The focus is on sexual fantasies that people associate with BDSM, but it also applies to other fantasies: I like fantasizing about it: would I like it for real?. Another piece that you might find helpful is this one; it discusses ways to navigate your sexual fantasies, however they are: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms

How does hearing all this make you feel? Has there been anything or anyone that makes you worry that something is wrong with you for having these thoughts? Also, how did you engage with the series after encountering that scene?

[LopezMonty]

No, no one has made me feel bad for having these thoughts. Well, because I haven't told anyone about them until now.
Overall, I engaged with the series pretty normally after that. By that I mean, it was very sad, but also one of the best series I have ever seen.
I just worry about why I keep thinking about it--the scene I described, I mean. I don't really even know exactly what it was that made me aroused in the first place. Not the abusiveness of it, that's for sure. It was probably just because both of those characters were attractive to me, naked, and in a bed.

[Anya]

Hey there LopezMonty,

This makes total sense. I would also like to point out that generally, when we have thoughts like this that come up unexpectedly, or feel intrusive, we're often told to stuff them back down within ourselves and that bringing them up is a bad thing. I think all of us here would agree that to be able to talk about it, think critically about it (ie, ask yourself why, how it feels, what comes up for you) means that you are on the right track. So instead of responding to these thoughts with shame or guilt (like many of us were taught to do), I'd like to challenge you to let it sit in your brain and then peacefully let it go. To acknowledge a thought, acknowledge that it wants some attention, and consciously let it pass, bringing yourself back to whatever you would rather think about, you are much better able to respond to your brain's need to address that thought in the moment (something that happens to all of us).

Now this is all also assuming that you don't want to think about this scene at all. Which I will say, is not a bad thing to want either. Because this scene exists in a fictional world, your brain knows that it isn't real, and therefore can play with concepts like tension, sexuality, and non-consent in a way that we would argue is healthy if thought about critically and consciously. If this scene were actually a real event that occurred, i'd ask yourself if you'd feel the same way? Likely, you might feel differently about it, knowing that there are real repercussions to those actions, but because this is a fictional story, your very smart brain already knows that harm and risk are minimal, if present at all. Does this make sense? I'd really encourage you to read the articles Char shared with you, if you haven't yet, as it explains this in a lot of this in greater detail.

All this to say, whether you want to think about it or not, neither are wrong. Often these thoughts, if intrusive, are temporary and through acknowledgement can be lessened. How is all of this feeling to you?