"I'm" a 14 year old trans boy and "I'm" struggling with masturbation advances.

[wigglewater]

The title is kinda confusing, I know.

The reason we put "I" in quotes is because we have some kind of personality disorder, basically meaning there are multiple of us. Its a bit prominent in this discussion, or...question, or something, but not as much as some of the other things we'll talk about.

First things first, since I was around 7, I (the origin, core, whatever; basically the one that was here first, or the "main" guy.) began hitting puberty. It was a slow start, It was just me getting a bunch of body hair (Not entirely abnormal for half-Angolan heritage, because we are mixed race.) and a libido. As such, I sniffed out quite a bit of sexual content, at a young developmental age, heightened by sensitivity stemming from some horrific bullying I endured, and then being exposed to even more mature content from 8-10 when i entered public school.

Around 9 was the first time I masturbated, and it unfortunately began an addiction to porn. Short lived, but still having an effect on my psyche. My mother is in the work of Obstetrics and Gynecology, so I know everything about the female body and the female reproductive system, and the bodily systems in general.

Anyways, basically, my sexual drive has been high since day 1. The main issue with this is also that I'm extremely adventurous, which would be fine if i wasn't 14 with extremely high standards due to my porn addiction and knowledge in the world of toys, and also my partner over 3000 kilometres away. There are two extra issues to this as well.

1. I would like some toys, but it would embarrass me to buy them outright, in front of a cashier, and I worry that I'm underprepared when toys are made for adults, who often have their own bank account, a job, or an income. I have none of these things (yet) but that is due to change in the summer.
The issue is, we cant wait until the summer... it would put our stress levels high and we want to be a cop, so it'd be counterproductive to steal. If we could steal, or had any want or intention to steal (which we don't, we've never really done anything like that) our problem would be solved, hypothetically, but many more problems would stem from it. Problems that i don't want to deal with. Bottom line is, we need a vibrator, and while we have 70 bucks in cash, some really brave alters, and a close relationship with our mom, we don't think we'd be brave or desperate enough to ask anyone for sex toys...yet. So, we're kinda unsure how to get our hands on that very wanted sex toy.

2. We worry, that when masturbating, some of the alters may become uncomfortable. Oftentimes, whoever's in front during the little times we spend touching ourselves may just be drowning everyone out, since everything goes a little blurry, as it seems to for most people, but we don't really know how everyone feels, because sometimes we follow someones (usually the origins) lead and end up drowning someone else out. We know someone feels uncomfortable with it, and we think we know who, but he wont say anything about it outright, which leaves us with a lack of clarity.

We don't need help on that bit, that's for our therapist, however, we do often feel uncomfortable in this body, especially with many of our alters being older than the bodies age. We need help mainly feeling more comfortable in the body and how others see us, i guess.

Anyways, theres my ramble. I'm kinda nervous to post this, but oh well...you only live once.

[char]

Hello wigglewater! Welcome to the boards. I'll do my best in addressing your questions. And no, you're not confusing us at all--I believe we've had other plural users in the past. ^^

When you mentioned wanting to masturbate with sex toys, I wonder if you've considered making them yourself? Since getting a sex toy seems to be challenging right now considering your circumstances (especially your physical age), I'd like to suggest creating your own sex toys with objects that aren't . For instance, you can use an electric toothbrush in place of a vibrator--though you do need to get condoms to wrap it for hygiene. We have an article on that: D.I.Y Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition. Do you think this is something you can consider? Getting a condom could be a bit challenging, but I believe there are some places in Canada where you can get them for free or for a very low cost without judgment. If you need help looking up resources specific to your province, we can help you with that.

I'd also like to know more about your relationship with your mother. It seems like you are close to her, and her working in OBGYN probably makes her a pretty good fit for sharing your concerns on masturbation. Is there anything preventing you from talking to her about these particular problems? What do you think she might say and do if you told her? I am asking because it sounds like this has been troubling you for a while. Even though feeling frequent intense desires is completely normal--especially if you're still in the middle of puberty--it can definitely be distressing. While we (and many other evidence-based sexual health educators) avoid approaching masturbation and porn-consuming habits from an addiction framework here, since the framework has multiple issues, it still matters to us that we can help you, and it's clear that this has been a long-standing problem for you. So, with that in mind, why do you find your masturbation habits troubling? Ideally, how do you picture your own relationship to masturbation?

Lastly for now, if you are comfortable sharing, who among the alters/systemmates have been navigating masturbation and porn use the most often? How do they feel about the body in general, and have there been any disagreements among you all regarding how each of you feels about the body? I think elaborating on how everyone feels about this can help with finding solutions--but it is up to you whether you'd like to share this or not.

[wigglewater]

Hihi! Sorry it took me so long to respond, i got caught up with literally EVERYTHING at once in life kek.

I have entertained the idea of an electric toothbrush, but I worry that if I ask my mom to get one and she does and it disappears into the depths of my dresser she'll suspect and it'll be awkward if she asks about it. The thing is is that that's also mainly a worry of one of our more anxious alters because if she knew she, knowing her, probably wouldn't ask? I dunno.
Some of the other sex toy ideas do seem appealing, but a lot of them just ain't enough for us, since we need pretty intense stimulation to climax.
Still, we're not opposed to the toothbrush idea, and have access to clean latex gloves (latex which we're not allergic to, thankfully) so we could give it a go. They are a bit pricey though, but it's beginning to be worth a try haha.
(I forgot to mention, we have tried a few of the things on the list, like back massagers (though we only have the big gun-shaped one now, the vibrating one is gone :,( ) the electric shaver, and the shower head. we didn't find many appealing aside from our now-dead back massager unfortunately... R.I.P vibrator-in-disguise...)

My mom has always been my cheerleader, and I think she'd agree to get me something because of how knowledgeable of bodies of the female sex and clitoral stimulation and how masturbation can be good for mental health and stress regulation yadayadayada, (you can tell i was raised by her LMAO) the thing is is that I just don't want her to view me differently? Again, an anxious alter's worry more than anything else. I feel it would be awkward if I just asked her to do that for me, but I also feel as if she'd probably be okay with it? I don't know. We're closer than anything in the world and I really don't wanna mess that up.
Still, it's an option, and one I'm not entirely opposed to. I'd probably just call her one day because I don't wanna have that conversation face-to-face honestly? But I also want to be upfront. I don't know. As the origin, I feel like I have to kinda navigate conversations like that for the others because of their roles of trauma holders, anxiety holders, and other stuff.

I don't really find my masturbation habits troubling anymore, it was more the recovery of sexual trauma and as such becoming hypersexual due to a grooming thing that made me view my privy masturbation habits as an addiction or something unhealthy. Nowadays, I find them more of a therapy for myself and I try to allow us to engage in it without feeling guilt.

Our main sexual navigators are, we'll call them Y, R and me, the origin. The two aside from me identify most with the body and also have in-system partners that can control the body while they control speech or something else to practice intimacy with partners in-system. J (one of Y's partners) is fine with controlling the body and things because his source form looks scarily like the body, so he often practices intimacy with Y, but sometimes Y also thinks of an out-of-sys source crush he has that we'll call N. Anyways, yeah, that's the deal with Y, but R has a very system important relationship with another member, M.
M and R feel like the scaffolding for this system, and they're never not co-fronting. So naturally when R is worked up, M can help him deal with it.
There's no real issues with us.
T is the issue. T is our ED holder, and has a distaste for the body, but is also prone to getting worked up. He's from a very tragic source, in which his lover dies. One of our system friends has an introject of said lover, so you can imagine the frustration that comes from that. The thing is, T can fantasize all he wants, but it's never really enough for him, and often because he doesn't have someone in-sys, he just gets turned off after a while and gives up.

Its all such a mess lol but yeah, that's where we're at.

[Latha]

Hi there, Wigglewater! No worries about taking time to respond. We're always here, so we can pick a conversation back up whenever you are free.

Re: the anxious alter's fear, I'm curious about what would it mean for your mother to view you differently. I imagine you are not exactly the same as you were five years ago, and you'll be different than you are now in another five years. Your mother is bound to understand you differently as you change, just as your relationship with her will grow over time. Is your anxious alter afraid that you'll lose something if your mother knows you want a sex toy/are interested in sex? Do you think there anything they might want to hear that would reassure them about this worry?

If it still feels awkward to ask your mother to get you a toy, what would you think of asking her if she would be willing to give you a budget so you can make a purchase on your own? You might still have to tell her what you want a toy, but it is reasonable and appropriate to want some privacy around your sex life. Your mother doesn't technically have to buy the toy herself or know exactly what you are ordering to give her approval.

T is the issue...

I'm glad to hear that you don't find your masturbation habits troubling anymore. Earlier, you mentioned that you know an alter does feel uncomfortable during masturbation, and that you have suspicions as to whom. Is that T? Or have you noticed any other parts with reservations?

[Sofi]

Hi there, wigglewater. I'm a supervisor here and have just caught up on your thread. Unfortunately, when it comes to something like DID and issues with different alters, we aren't qualified to help. That's because we are not mental health professionals and it wouldn't be responsible of us to engage in something that requires more expertise than we have. You did mention you have a therapist, is that correct? If not, can we help refer you to someone? That'd be a better fit to help with issues with your alters.

Regarding the sex toy itself, I would go as far as saying you don't have to tell your mom at all, even though it sounds like she'd be understanding. But just because a parent is understanding doesn't mean we have to tell them everything about our sex lives - frankly, unless you're unsafe or need her support with something more serious, there's nothing she should know about your private sex life, especially something like masturbating. If she finds out you have a toy, that's okay and nothing to be ashamed of, but I wouldn't necessarily suggest you ask her to buy you one. I know you feel like it's dire and you can't wait until summer, but having a sex toy is not an emergency, even if it feels like it. Since you're worried about an alter's comfort level around this, though, again this is something that a mental healthcare provider should be helping you with, since we are only here for sexual education. Does that make sense? <3