Sex 102

[nervousBoi]

A little while ago I went on vacation with some friends and ended up sharing a room/bed with my girlfriend for the first time. I was really nervous and wasn't sure what was going to happen, but after a awkward night of failing to fall asleep in each other's arms we had sex for the first time. I wasn't sure that it'd ever happen, or even how she felt about the idea, but I was relieved to find out that she was just as excited about it as I was and in the end I feel like it brought us even closer together. But having come out the other side I feel like I have a whole new set of questions and uncertainties that I wasn't expecting.

The first and foremost thing on my mind is that I had trouble getting hard, never really getting more than about half mast. I'm not too worried about this since I know stress can play a big part in it and I was definitely very stressed the week or so leading up to this, and also very sleep deprived so I think that makes sense I had some trouble there. I am a bit concerned that this was an issue for all 4 days of our vacation, but I don't think that's too much of a stretch and I've managed to get it up since then. I'm not sure what I could really do about this in the moment if it comes up again though. I am a bit older for having my first time at 30, but is that really old enough to have to think about needing Viagra or something like that?

The next thing I encountered, and I'm not sure if this is related to not being able to get hard, was that I had a really hard time cumming. This was not what I expected at all! I thought I'd explode as soon as I put it in, but each time we had sex it always felt like a challenge. When I masturbate I usually do so in my bed and try not to cum so I won't stain the sheets or anything and then eventually I'll go to the bathroom to finish, and I'm wondering if always holding back like that has messed me up. I mean, I guess this is a good thing since the more common problem is not lasting long enough, but it was not something I was prepared for.

Also perhaps related is that the stimulation from having sex is nowhere as intense as I expected it to be. She sucked my dick a bit to try and help me get hard, and that was a bit better, but even then it was still nowhere near what I'm used to with my hands. I think the most stimulating point for me was when we were grinding beforehand, but it was hard to find a position that worked for both of us. I know that maybe some of this is us just starting to figure what does and doesn't work for us, but I don't really know what I could do other than maybe reading through the karma sutra and trying everything in there. Honestly in general I'm feeling kind of lost on what our next steps should be.

[Latha]

Hello nervousBoi,

You are right that stress and sleep deprivation can impact your ability to become hard and ejaculate. Frankly, so can being in a new situation/with a partner for the first time--that can be a kind of stress on its own. Since you've managed to become erect since then, I agree that there isn't anything much to worry about. That said, we can talk more about why this might be happening, and what your next steps could be.

In addition to the causes you've already identified, I'd like to check in on something else. You mentioned in a previous post here that you've felt some shame around being attracted to your girlfriend, and that you've felt concerned that these feelings are an imposition on her. At this point, do you feel sure that she wants sex with you, and that you are not bothering her by expressing your attraction? Were you able to have any conversations with her about this since that thread?

Also perhaps related is that the stimulation from having sex is nowhere as intense as I expected it to be.

Quite possible. How sex feels is about more than the physical stimulation that happens to your body--it is a lot about how you feel mentally, and how much energy you have. It is likely that these same actions will feel different when you are less stressed and tired.

I'm not sure if this is related to not being able to get hard, was that I had a really hard time cumming.

Yes, I think it is probable that being able to get hard will solve this issue for you. Beyond that, I wouldn't say masturbating like this has messed you up or anything like that. Sometimes an established habit can get be difficult to change in the moment. What would you think of trying to masturbate without trying not to ejaculate? You could lay a towel down so you can clean easily, or start in the bathroom.

We've have a couple good reasons that explain why you might have had trouble becoming erect with your girlfriend, so I wouldn't say you need to think about medical support/viagra just yet. If I had any recommendations for your next steps, it would be to continue to explore sexual pleasure with your partner to make intimacy with her feel familiar. Don't pressure yourself to have any specific response/to become erect or ejaculate. It is important for your girlfriend and you to know that what is happening right now doesn't necessarily indicate a issue with your attraction to her or her skill as a partner--it is just something that can happen to bodies sometimes.

How does that sound to you?

[nervousBoi]

At this point, do you feel sure that she wants sex with you, and that you are not bothering her by expressing your attraction? Were you able to have any conversations with her about this since that thread?

Yes! We talked about it both before and after. She had originally told me she was ace because before we reconnected since she wasn't ever planning on being in a relationship with anyone after some bad experiences, and was content being on her own. But after the time we spent together those feelings changed, and I'm very glad everything worked out. I'm kind of sad to say this, but after a few days I was thinking that she was actually more into the sex than I was.

What would you think of trying to masturbate without trying not to ejaculate? You could lay a towel down so you can clean easily, or start in the bathroom.

I could give it a shot. Sometimes I'll start and finish in the bathroom, but it never feels as relaxing when I do, like I'm rushing to get it over with in case someone else has to use the bathroom. I'll try using a towel to contain things.

It is important for your girlfriend and you to know that what is happening right now doesn't necessarily indicate a issue with your attraction to her or her skill as a partner--it is just something that can happen to bodies sometimes.

I did tell her a bit about how stress can effect things after the first day or so. She was really nice about it and was telling me how you don't always have to cum for it to feel good. And she's right, even though I didn't cum several times I didn't feel unsatisfied or anything afterwards. I was a little surprised by this myself, but I guess just being with her and seeing her enjoy it was enough for me to feel fulfilled? Being able to cum would still be nice though, if for no other reason than to just have a stopping point. At one point we were at it for over an hour and it was very exhausting.

[Sofi]

Hi there, hope it's okay if I jump in here.

Yes! We talked about it both before and after. She had originally told me she was ace because before we reconnected since she wasn't ever planning on being in a relationship with anyone after some bad experiences, and was content being on her own. But after the time we spent together those feelings changed, and I'm very glad everything worked out. I'm kind of sad to say this, but after a few days I was thinking that she was actually more into the sex than I was.

This might be worth bringing up to her again and talking about it. It sounds like you two have really open communication and are able to express this kind of thing to each other, so as long as you're honest, she will probably appreciate knowing how you're feeling and having a discussion on where you both stand as far as your interest in sex (even things like how often you'd want to have it, and such).

I did tell her a bit about how stress can effect things after the first day or so. She was really nice about it and was telling me how you don't always have to cum for it to feel good. And she's right, even though I didn't cum several times I didn't feel unsatisfied or anything afterwards. I was a little surprised by this myself, but I guess just being with her and seeing her enjoy it was enough for me to feel fulfilled? Being able to cum would still be nice though, if for no other reason than to just have a stopping point. At one point we were at it for over an hour and it was very exhausting.

So here's the thing...we are told (mostly by things like porn, which often extends to how we talk about sex colloquially with friends and such) that orgasm/ejaculation is the "stopping point" as you said. That you keep going until that happens - and then you're done once it does. This is just something that happens in porn and not how it has to be in real life, nor how it goes for a lot of folks. Instead of seeing sex as a linear event (another thing we don't do around here is talk about "foreplay" the way society does, because oral and manual sex are just sex, and penis-in-vagina sex is not the only or "main" type of sex), see it as a dance, or a song. There can be a verse, then a hook, then a chorus, then another verse, then another chorus, etc and there's no specific order it needs to go in.

So realistically, not only do you not need to wait until you ejaculate to stop, you can also ejaculate and keep going with other activities, for example. This view of sex is also not helpful for the person with a vulva who's orgasm is therefore seen as less important in a way, because the person with the penis ejaculating is the "grand finale". It just isn't a great way to view sex overall. Does this make sense? Do you think you can try this next time you two have sex - not thinking of you ejaculating as the stop to it, but rather just something that might happen at some point but doesn't change the course or outcome of sex?