The desire to be sexy, but the obstacle of being trans.

[LopezMonty]

I don't really know if this counts as venting. If it is, I apologize. I just really need to get it off my chest.

I think (or hope) that it's normal to want sex and, by extension, to want to be sexy. I dream of wearing slutty outfits and going to queer clubs and being admired by other people. Maybe that's selfish of me.

But I always, always seem to want what I can't have.

I'm transmasculine. I don't know if I'm nonbinary and frankly, I don't care right now. No matter what, because I'm trans, I'm undesirable. I dream of having sex with men, but gay men probably won't like me. I'll just be a "crazy woman who's mutilated herself". As if cishet people don't tell me that all the time. No matter what I do, I'm not enough. I hate my body, and so does everyone else apparently.

Existing and desiring just hurt so much right now. Everyone says I'll get better one day, but how long will I be forced to wait? How long until someone takes me seriously? Until I'm sexy? Desirable? Look like myself and not a stranger?

I want to wear slutty outfits. I want to look like a visual kei rockstar. I want to look feminine sometimes and not feel like shit. I just want to stop feeling like shit all the time. To quote a book I've been reading, "I want to serve hard femme cunt while using he/him pronouns". I want to stop being so afraid of sex, my desires, other people, relationships, and the world. I want to have a cock of my own; one that is inextricably mine. I want people to take me seriously; I want respect.

I want love; I want desire. But I also want people to just leave me alone.
I don't want to hurt every day anymore.

[Becky]

Hi LopezMonty <3

I'm sorry you're feeling like this right now. I can hear a lot of pain in your words.

I don't agree with what you are saying though. There are a lot of people, even gay men, who will find you sexy and desirable just as you are right now! And I don't think you have to wait to find them either. I know from your previous posts you've been hesitant to explore clubs and meetup groups but I KNOW that there are other people in your area who feel just like you do.

And I know it's not always easy to find them and it feels like you're all alone but I promise you are not. In fact, you can look through our posts right here on Scarleteen and see that there are so many people who feel like they just don't fit in and their gender expression isn't what they want it to be. Heck, I'm even happy to disclose to you that *my* life isn't as Queer as I would like it to be right now and I honestly just don't have the time, money, or energy to change it right now.

But that's ok. Because my identity is still valid and real. And YOUR identity is still valid and real. Even if somedays you feel more masculine than feminine. Even if somedays you don't know whether you want to call yourself a trans man or nonbinary. Our existence as human beings is nuanced, messy, fluid, and ever changing and our gender journey is going to reflect that as we learn more about ourselves.

I don't know if you've mentioned in your past posts, but do you have a therapist? I think a therapist who is familiar with trans and queer people would be so helpful for navigating this point in your life.

In the meantime, I have a few articles for you to check out:

Passing as What? All About Passing Privilege
Trans Summer School: Am I Trans Enough?

You are also always welcome to post here on Scarleteen asking for peers who have similar experiences to you to respond. This is a great online resource to find Queer and Trans community! We are here for you (and a LOT of us are Queer!)

[LopezMonty]

Thank you, Becky.

I do have a therapist, which I think has been helpful.

I guess now I should ask for help about the community part? I haven't been here on Scarleteen very long, but I do like it. I just don't really know how to build or join in communities, online or off.

[Anya]

Hey LopezMonty,

We're glad you feel welcomed here, you absolutely always are.

What has your experience been so far in putting yourself out there in queer spaces? And no worries if the answer is "haven't yet!" Because I find oftentimes, the best places to find likeminded people, to especially go to those kind of clubs with, are generally already there. So sometimes, as uncomfortable as it can be, going by yourself gets you into the spaces with the highest likelihood of meeting others who want. one there too. Does seem like a possibility at all? It's sure scary and awkward the first few times, but I feel like more often than not, people at those kinds of places are looking for friends and community just as much as you.

There are also so many queer-focused workshops/events going on at any one time around Spain. So if you can't yet get into clubs, there are typically also daytime events to choose from in the major cities. Things like craft circles, book clubs at local bookstores, social justice action groups, film clubs at cinemas, or sports clubs. Have you seen anything like this that might be interesting to you?

In terms of online communities, have you checked out the Trevor Project? It can be a great place to meet other young queer people (who also might know about other online/offline spaces to check out).

Do you feel you are able to receive help from your therapist on queer issues? Sometimes it can be difficult to work with straight/cis therapists who don't quite get it, ya know? Does this feel like the case?

[LopezMonty]

I should definitely look into things like that; it’s possible where I live. But I guess I just worry that no one will like me, or I’ll be unable to communicate properly.
I do feel like I receive help from my therapist.
And you’re right, I should look into the Trevor Project.

[Anya]

Hey LopezMonty,

I totally get that. But I do think it would probably be a correct assumption to make in expecting that a lot of other people feel similarly. I mean the chances of going alone somewhere and meeting other people who also almost didn't come for these same reasons I think is honestly pretty high. Social environments are scary, but sometimes it really is worth it putting yourself out there. And too, like with many other things the only way to get better at it is by practicing. Expect it to be awkward, but expect it to get better.

The tricky thing about anxious thoughts like that, that say "what if they don't like me" and "what if i'm not likable," is that they can completely cloud your ability to instead (and I know it's sometimes hard to) think "what if they do like me" and what if I am really likable." But practically, no matter what you think, you pretty much won't know if you don't try. So I do think it's something to consider!

I'm glad you feel supported by your therapist. They can also be a person who will sit down with you and help you find an actual event to go to if you feel either like you don't know where to look, or overwhelmed with options. It can make a big difference to just say to them, "hey I don't know how to do this but I want to get at least one thing on my calendar for this month" and they very likely can help you do that. Is this something you feel comfortable asking them?

[LopezMonty]

Maybe. I don’t know. I guess I worry that I’ll come off desperate? Lonely? Pathetic?

[Latha]

Hi there, LopezMonty

Are you afraid that you'll come off like that to your therapist? I understand how it might feel scary and vulnerable to share that you feel alone and want help making friends with them, but I don't think they'll see you the way you fear they will. It is not actually easy to make new friends, especially in your case, where you have to start over after a move to a new country. Struggling with this does not make you pathetic. And many, many people understand what it is like to feel lonely--to really want connection with other people when you are not getting it. Tons of people know what it is like to feel apprehensive and worry about getting judged when you try to put yourself out there and meet new people. Human beings are very diverse, but this might be one of the most relatable concerns in the world.

Does this help you feel more sure about speaking to your therapist, as Anya suggested?