How to stop being attracted to unavailable people

[MountainMix]

I broke up with my ex in January after three years of toxicity and emotional abuse. Recently I met a guy who I took interest in. In the beginning, he would text me all the time and when he was busy, he would say it. He was very reliable and consistent. We eventually discussed how we had feelings for each other, but that we wanted to first be friends and take things slow since we both weren’t ready for a relationship. Recently, however, he’s been inconsistent in his communication with me and leaving me hanging. Additionally, he blocks himself from receiving any form of care whatsoever. For example, when he was sick last week and in need of food I offered to get him soup since his work is five minutes from my place. At first he agreed because he told me he hadn’t eaten all day. But right when I’m going to bring him the soup, he declines and leaves because he says “he has too many things to do”. He also has told me that he “doesn’t want to be enabled by my support”, which is why he doesn’t take it. After days of not hearing from him, I decided to send him a message telling him how his behavior has been impacting me, how the dynamic is not working, and that I needed mutuality in all of my relationships, including friendship. I told him I needed space and that if he ever felt like he had more capacity for mutuality, I’d reevaluate. The man has not said a word to that message. No “okay”. No “I hear you”. No apology. Nothing. Just dead silence. And it’s eating me alive because it makes me feel he never cared about me at all. It is very obvious he is not emotionally available, yet I still really like him and secretly desire for him to restart communication. But his behavior is showing signs of unhealthy ways of relating and I already know that if we became anything it would be extremely toxic given his avoidant tendencies. I just wonder why I’m so attracted to emotionally unavailable people like my ex and him. I feel so mad at myself for desiring him so much and I want to stop feeling what I feel for him so badly because he’s hurting me. But it’s like the worse he treats me, the more I want. Why am I like this? How do I stop being attracted to messed up people who don’t care about me? A part of me also wants to call him and tell him off, but I don’t think it’s worth it. What do I do?

[Becky]

Hey MountainMix,

I'm so sorry this happened. I can understand why this guy's actions feel so shitty.

I don't think we need to pathologize your behavior or attraction though. I don't believe you are inherently attracted to people who "don't care about you" or that something is wrong with you. For starters, it sounds like this guy was super nice and communicative in the beginning-- so that is what you were attracted to. You couldn't have known he would act like this down the line! So don't beat yourself up, ok?

I know it feels really frustrating and upsetting and maybe even like a pattern when this happens multiple times. But human relationships are sooo complicated and people show up with so much history and baggage and habits and behaviors it can be really hard to boil it down to one thing or another. There might be a bunch of reasons why this guy stopped putting in effort and wasn't able to show up the way you needed him to.

The good news is, you don't have to put up with that kind of behavior! And you didn't! And I'm proud of you. You don't have to rationalize his behavior to justify why it doesn't work for you. If you two aren't on the same page and not able to communicate, it's ok for the relationship to just not work out. And I don't think this is a case of "the worse he treats me, the more I want him". I think it's very normal as a human being to want closure for these kind of things. It's also ok to miss having that kind of care and attention that comes with romantic relationships.

Unfortunately, I don't think there's a way to stop being attracted to "messed up" people. Because, as we've noted, you probably won't know how "messed up" someone is until you get to know them a little bit. Dating and relationships come with a little bit of risk. Putting yourself out there to be emotional and vulnerable comes with risk too. I think you did everything right here! You were attracted to someone who was kind and thoughtful and then when they started acting in a way that didn't align with what you wanted from a romantic relationship, you called it off. Does it suck that it didn't work out? Yeah! But I think it's really awesome that you know yourself well enough to know that this isn't what you want and moved on. It would be much more concerning behavior to me if you knew you weren't happy and then stayed anyway, you know?

What I'm saying is, don't be so hard on yourself. It's normal to feel shitty after a breakup, no matter how long or short the relationship was and sometimes when we feel shitty we spiral and start trying to unpack all of our faults and past relationships. But there isn't anything wrong with you!

We have a great article about breakups that I'd like to offer you: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

I would highly encourage you NOT to call him. It might feel cathartic in the moment but it most likely isn't going to lead to anything productive. Instead, focus on things that make you feel good and like yourself. Get back into your favorite hobbies and activities. Spend time with your favorite people. Volunteer or take care of animals and remember all of the wonderful parts of yourself that you have to offer the world. You are a whole person all by yourself <3