Is this SA(am I considered a victim) or not

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#*meowmeow
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Is this SA(am I considered a victim) or not

Post by #*meowmeow »

So I had a relationship when i was young(it started out at 11) with this guy and he was a very sexual person, he told me it was because he was an unsupervised kid on the internet and it kind of turned him into that.

i was his first relationship so we were both starting out together, and he got really sexual really fast. i didn’t really know what anything was so he was introducing me to it, and i don’t think i thought it was bad to do things like that at such a young age (by the time i had actually had sex i was 12) but i still didn’t feel right doing it.

i don’t think i ever really wanted to because i didn’t know what i was really doing, but i also never said no and was complying with it all. i cannot tell if that would be considered SA or not and i really want to know.

I regret ever having sex and i think about it now and i realize more and more of how i didn’t want to do it. but we were both kids so he didn’t have any intention to harm me so it’s not his fault.

If you could just help with my dilemma i’d really appreciate it :)
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Latha
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Re: Is this SA(am I considered a victim) or not

Post by Latha »

Hello and welcome to the boards, #*meowmeow!

We can absolutely talk about the dynamic you had with this guy, and the way that has affected you over these years. I have some initial thoughts that I hope will help a little:

You may have agreed or seemed to go along with him, but what matters is that you could not provide informed or enthusiastic consent to what you did together, both of which are necessary for personal sexual relationships. There was a power difference where he knew more about sex than you did, your relationship got sexual very quickly, and you didn't even really want what was happening once it started yourself.

Though he was introducing you to sex, it is evident that he wasn't prepared to be in a healthy sexual relationship himself, leading him to act in ways that hurt you. Someone who was more prepared to be in a sexual relationship would have recognized the significance of the fact that they had more information than you, that you were not talking about what you wanted as much as you went along with them, and that they were initiating far more than you. They would be much more careful making sure you had other sources of information, and that you had the opportunity to really consider what you wanted before you did anything with them.

I wish he had better models for safe sexual behavior and good communication--I wish that for both of you, actually. Though you didn't do anything wrong by being sexual at 11 or 12 years old, it is clear that the dynamic you had with him was not healthy for you. Whatever we think about his intentions, you deserve care around how these experiences have hurt you.

How does this land for you so far? If I may ask, what would it mean for you if this was considered sexual abuse? What would it mean for you if it wasn't?
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