Guilt when pleasuring myself - Help?

[significantmono]

Hello! I, (Biological Female, 18y) am very new to the "sex scene" as I was a heavily sheltered child, and feel guilty pleasuring myself even when I know I'm completely alone and won't be judged. I have a fantasy pleasure that is impossible in real life, that my genitals react to despite my attempts to shrink away from the feeling. It's a very frustrating feeling that I've had ever since I was young (around 8-12, I believe, was when it emerged), and I haven't talked to my parents about it because I feel guilty and gross for it.

I haven't, until recently, explored my genitals or looked at toys because of how awful my body feels when I pleasure it. It's a kind of pressurized pulsing in my lower abdomen and pubic region, and it's so alien to me it makes me want to vomit. It could be the adrenaline of feeling it for the first time, but I'm too scared to take it any further. My college had an event where Spencer's came to campus and gave out free Sex-Ed talks and toys, and I got one, and it's sitting collecting dust under my bed. (I probably should have gotten a bullet, but I got a rabbit because it seemed to be popular. The only thing I'm comfortable -- if it can even be called comfort - with right now is external pleasure, but I'm still generally uncomfortable with the general idea of sexual pleasure.)

Nothing but the fantasy aforementioned makes me feel this sensation, and I have trouble working up the courage to watch pornography/media of both the fantasy and otherwise. Is there something wrong with my body? I don't want to bottle up the sensation if it will have negative effects in the long run, but I'm really struggling to let myself feel it. Please help! :(

[amber]

Hi significantmono and welcome to the boards!

I am sorry you've been struggling with these feelings for a long time. It sounds like your upbringing has left you feeling uncomfortable with sexuality in general. From what I understand, I believe the sensations you are describing, and what follows, are due to that uncomfortableness around sex and being a sexual being. Would you say that is accurate?

I wouldn't worry about causing 'damage' to your body. Although I am sure it feels very uncomfortable, it sounds like something you can work through!

Here is a great article I think you might like --
Undoing Sexual Shame

I would be happy to chat more with you about this!