He’s back in my life but it’s not fun

[ribbons?]

My ex and I broke up in November, although we didn’t really stop talking until February. He is, as far as I can tell, pretty completely over me and openly likes someone else. I felt like I was pretty over him when we stopped talking; I was getting minor crushes on other people and stuff, though nothing like what I once felt for him.

The thing is, we talked again recently, and he wants to be friends again. We were best friends for years before we dated, and only dated six months. I feel like this should be easy — it definitely seems easy for him — but it’s really not. I don’t know if I really still have romantic feelings for him, but I definitely don’t feel as moved on from everything that happened between us as he does. Maybe it’s because it was my first relationship and his third one? He also has memory problems due to mental illness so that could be part of it. He just seems so ready to go back to the way we were before we started dating. I loved being his friend and I’d love to be able to do that again, but it’s like I’m still in the habit of being in love with him when he’s around.

This has only come up in conversation with him when he jokingly said something about us writing porn together. Maybe it’s weird, but we used to like to do that. We only did it when we were dating though. I know it’s not actually super uncommon for friends to talk about that stuff, but it’s not something I’ve ever done with any of my friends. I don’t want to have a sexual relationship with him in any way, even in this way, because I’m worried it will lead to me falling back in love with him. I don’t think he will ever feel that way for me again, and I don’t see the point in getting more hurt than I’ve already been. To be clear I did say I didn’t want to write porn with him, and he was ok with that boundary, but I thought it was weird that he was surprised by it.

Really, I think we made a mistake dating. It was great, it was fun, but we weren’t meant to be and didn’t even last that long, and I feel like I ruined the deepest connection and friendship of my life. I want it back, but I don’t know if I can do it. But I also just want his friendship back that part of me wants to try to push past it and find a way to be friends.

Should I talk to him about this? I don’t know what to do. I’m worried if I talk to him I’ll ruin the good direction our friendship has been heading in, but I also don’t actually feel that great about any of it. I’m afraid to talk to my therapist about it. She hates him and thinks I should stay away from him. He doesn’t seem to have noticed that I’m struggling with it, and if he’s having issues with it himself he’s doing a good job hiding it.

I’m also just kind of hurt that he moved on so quickly. It took him a lot longer to move on from his last boyfriend and after breaking up with me he just seemed to be thinking about that same boyfriend again. Sometimes I feel like our relationship was everything to me and not that important to him, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings by expressing any of this.

[amber]

Hi ribbons? !

It is absolutely reasonable to want some space after exiting a relationship. Even if friendship is something that you could consider in the future, time apart is not only common but healthy. How do you think it would go over to ask for some space, at least for now?

Have you been doing anything to help you get throgh the changes that have come with this breakup. We have an article here that may be helpful -- Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking.

You mention your therapist doesn't like your ex partner. Would you wanna talk more about that here?

[ribbons?]

I feel torn about asking for space because I do have a nice time talking to him most of the time, but whenever anything romantic comes up I just feel sad. I do feel like I need to make a decision though because he won’t know what to do if I don’t tell him. But I don’t know what I want. I also worry he will think it’s weird because we’ve had lots of space for a good couple months, but to be honest it doesn’t really feel like enough? As much as I want him back in my life right now, I feel like I need him out of it for years before it can be a real option. But I still have really mixed feelings because he’s the closest friend I’ve ever had, and I’ve been having mental health issues only he knows about. I can’t talk about them with my other friends.

I’ve tried to just cut him off and it worked well for a while but we have some mutual friends and ended up in a group chat together that led to us talking again. Otherwise I’ve tried to fill the space with other friends.

Yeah, my therapist doesn’t like my ex partner. It’s kind of weird because it doesn’t really feel like I can talk about it with her. Actually, nobody knows he and I are talking again and I take special care to hide it from others (like my friends and my family) because all they ever do is shame me. I think in everyone else’s minds it’s as simple as “cut him off and never talk to him again” but that’s just not how it is for me. I feel like I’m more or less done mourning the relationship and I can even see how it probably would not have ever worked, but trying to get the friendship back has me mourning the friendship all over again.

Our breakup was very complicated and sad on both ends. It largely happened because we were and are both mentally ill and not at all good at communicating. He’s not like this evil person, although he did hurt me and do some shitty (can I swear here??) things. But he’s still the closest friend I have ever had, and he knows everything about me. I don’t want to let that go, and I don’t understand why that’s weird to other people, but it also makes me feel ashamed because it obviously *is* weird to them.

[amber]

I am sorry that people are making you feel ashamed about that connection you have. I will say that those lingering feelings you mention do sound like they would benefit from some time away.

I hear you that losing a relationship, specifically one that was so special, unique, and important to you, is extremely difficult, but I am also wondering if it is good for the long term to rely on one person in that way. How has it been trying to reach out to other friends to fill that gap?

I'm sorry to hear that you can't be completely truthful with your therapist about this relationship. It sounds like this person was impactful on your mental health and could be helpful to talk about within the context of therapy. Would you ever consider bringing up that perceived judgment from your therapist in a session?

[ribbons?]

I hate relying on him and it makes me feel dumb and clingy and I SWEAR I had been doing really good on my own! I was away from him for a long time and it was great, there’s only problems now that he’s back, but I don’t know how to get rid of him

I love my friends, but I can’t talk about serious stuff with them. I don’t think they really care, or maybe they are just uncomfortable with it. I’ve tried but it just feels awkward and attention-seeking. Maybe I should just not talk about it. All my friends are internal processors, but I’m so not like that.

I guess I should try to tell my therapist. It honestly feels embarrassing to even talk about him at all, like “oh she’s still on this huh?” So I just try to talk about other things with her. I feel like my relationship with him represents all the things I hate most about myself and I don’t want to talk about that stuff because I don’t want people to know about it. But sometimes when I’m uncomfortable talking about something with my therapist I just pretend I’m joking and she takes the hint so I guess I could do something like that?