coming out high... then low

[dotherumbleee]

hi everyone! this is my first time posting on any sort of forum, so although i've read a few, i hope i'm formatting it well.

after identifying as bisexual for a large part of my life, i always still kept my attraction to women under wraps in a way and way overcompensated on dudes. to make a long story short, therapy helped me come to terms with my serious issues of comphet and i've realized/mostly 99% accepted that im a lesbian!

i was still so filled with shame those first few weeks that even just saying the world lesbian made me feel panicked and ashamed but talking with one of my friends who is also a lesbian, really helped me also accept this part of me. to me, now, being a lesbian is as essential a part of me as is being a woman and my ethnicity.

with pride month i wanted to well, show up and support, right? i got my nails done (lets go fems!) in the lesbian flag colors, i've been dressing "queerer" whatver that means (putting on a lot of rings--especially a thumb ring), and i bought a really pretty, dainty, venus symbol necklace, which made the circle part of the sign into a heart.

now, when i came out to my two closest friends and family, it's like a weight was put off my back. i've never felt so free or elated. i work at a student oriented place, lets say, in a rural area with a lot of women my age. at first, i didn't care about flagging so much. to me, it's something to be proud of, you know? but lately i've started feeling a little panicked about them knowing my identity. what if they see me as dangerous or weird or a predator? these are religious straight girls after all and lately, i don't know if it's in my head or not, but i feel like they've all collectively began acting colder towards me. again. i'm not exactly hiding the fact that I'm a lesbian. i follow the queer accounts on Instagram and like the reels and was the only one out of all of them (who tend to post political/holiday stuff frequently) to post a vague "happy pride!" post on instagram.

i guess what im looking for is not even comfort for my situation, but i was wondering if anyone's experienced these high and lows of coming out? the first few weeks are just like a thrill of adrenaline and freedom and "i don't care what anyone thinks, i'm GAY and HAPPY!" and then after a while it's all panicked "oh God im gay these people know that im gay."

anyone else experienced or felt like this in their coming out journey?

[amber]

Hi dotherumbleee and welcome to the boards!

Firstly I want to say congratulations! Coming out can be very exciting but also frightening, and we are proud of you here.

I do understand the highs and lows that you've described and can quickly tell you you are far from alone in these feelings. For me personally, I have days where I can feel so confident and excited in more androgynous expression then a switch almost flips where it starts causing anxiety. I especially feel this at my place of work. Are their times/environments where these negative feelings seem to come up for you?

I also wanna say that these feeling could very well just be because being out is new. Maybe time will lessen or even rid those feelings.

I don't know if I have an answer for you or even a real solid piece of advice. Instead I wonder if there is anything that has helped get you out of those more fearful feelings?

[dotherumbleee]

hmm, i guess for me those feelings tend to arise in the interactions with my coworkers (i.e the girls my age) and their attitudes towards me. it's not like any of us were friends before, but now, since i've started being, gayer in a more public way i guess, i feel like the anxiety starts with those interactions--or lack thereof. we at least used to greet each other in the mornings or make small talk (it's an office environment) at my cubicle, but now a few of them straight up ignore my hellos in a way that makes me feel like they're ignoring me, not just accidently not hearing me. a lot of the times they never approached me directly, but would at least chat about anything random when stopping by to talk to a coworker who sits by me, but now, they don't even look in my direction and avoid my like, classic "hey" + nod smile thing, you know? i guess that's when the anxiety and negative feelings start to arise.

i really do hope it's just a time thing that eventually fades. lately, something that has helped me in feeling better about my identity is just getting more involved in queer spaces/media. my two best friends are long-distance/online and both them and the online spaces i frequent tend to be gay. i've also been listening to a lot of queer, specifically lesbian, podcasts which often times will talk about coming out and initial phases of it, so that's helped me feel a little bit more calmer about the thing and accepting it as almost a common occurrence? being in a rural, conservative, and religious area makes it hard sometimes to be out in a visible way like i am which makes it feel overwhelming. and other than my flagging, i already feel like i'm very "straight-passing." i'm also very hopeful for when i move soon (in about a year and half) to a much much more liberal and very gay area of my state, so that quells my fears at times, knowing that this will all just fade soon.

in addition, something i forgot to also mention in my original post, was that one of my bosses who's sort of a family friend, had asked me what my thoughts were on the LGBT community a few days back. i answered without thinking in all honesty, and said i was a part of it, and didn't deny it when she continued to take my perspective of that as a lesbian, but although she promised not to mention it to anyone, i can't also help but feel that maybe she's let it slip in some way? she brought pamphlets for her church the other day and left them in the break room, so i can't help but also feel like maybe that was because of me. i didn't even know she was that religious!

[amber]

Thanks for sharing! I am happy to hear you've found connection within queer spaces. It is so important to be seen and accepted so I am glad you have good people around you (even if they are online).

I am so sorry you've been dealing with all of that at work. It sounds like your boss, and coworkers, have absolutely crossed lines. Even if the religious pamphlets are not related to the conversation you had, it is still not really an appropriate thing to leave around an office.
Working in an environment where you may feel isolated or excluded is a horrible feeling. I hope that 1) their behavior turns out to be a coincidence and they start treating you with the respect you deserve, or 2) you are able to find another job that is much more respectful when you move.

What do you think would be most helpful to you from us?

[dotherumbleee]

i think that right now, what i was mostly looking for, was just a place to vent and seek reassurance in a way? that i wasn't like, crazy for noticing these behaviors and just being able to speak out on what i'm feeling. being able to talk to someone about this has been so refreshing and feeling heard and knowing that there are other people who might go through similar things has been comforting. i think had i actually been closer to these coworkers, i might feel extremely offended but for now, the anxiety again, just keeps flipping back between "why would i care what they think?" and "i hope they don't think badly of me". still thank you for just hearing (or i guess reading) my whole feelings and rant about these sudden things happening in my life

[amber]

Of course! I appreciate your openness as well because you are so not alone in these feelings!!

I'm glad your coworkers aren't causing you too much stress and hopefully you can continue building up the relationships you know are respectful.

We are always here if you want to chat or rant like we have <3