feeling behind romantically

[kolohekai77]

hi! so just for reference im a cis female 15 yrs old and im just feeling really behind in terms of romantic relationships

im seeing all my peers get boyfriends and girlfriends (im bisexual) and im starting to feel like im doing something wrong

i know that romantic relationships are in no way everything and shouldnt be put on a pedestal, i am confident and secure in my platonic relationships and feel that i am ready to pursue romantic interests

im almost 16 and im worried that if i dont learn how to have these interactions soon then i might not be able to develop those kinds of relationships in the future (im diagnosed with autism and adhd!)

im very high masking and i consider myself pretty conventionally attractive so i dont think its an appearance thing; im just not sure how im supposed to foster romantic opportunity in my life

i talked to one boy previously and i liked him quite a bit but he was the first person to ever approach me, i want those kinds of experiences because i think it can be beneficial for my future social-emotional development and stuff

am i doing something wrong?

[SwirlStoody]

Hello! I am a new poster. I was in a similar position at one point, including being AuDHD. I can only speak to you from personal experience.

It is very good that you feel secure in yourself and your platonic relationships! Regarding romantic relationships, it may feel like your peers are experiencing these things sooner than you, and that means you’re falling behind by comparison. I want to assure you that romantic relationships, or lack thereof, are both very normal and equally valid situations for your age. In fact, many of your peers likely feel the same way. You have plenty of time to experience and learn about romantic relationships at your own pace.

As for advice on exploring new relationships, I can offer my experience that worked for me. A first relationship can feel particularly daunting. It might be beneficial to approach a potential partner without any expectations of commitment. Practice casual conversations. Once you’re interested in a particular person, offer a small, casual date (coffee, library, etc.) without necessarily looking for any serious relationship. (be clear about intentions). Choose to continue, or more likely, break it off and communicate that respectfully. Rinse and repeat. Once the baby steps are out of the way, it becomes easier to approach a potential partner with the important aspects in mind, (compatibility, communication, partnership, etc.) rather than fear or predetermined expectations.

[Latha]

Hello Kolohekai77--welcome to the boards!

I understand why you might feel behind in terms of romantic relationships (especially if everyone you know seems to be pairing up), but I would not say that you really are behind. Plenty of people who want relationships start exploring them when they are older then you are. Also, romance, as you said, is not everything--it is in fact optional at any stage in life. If you want a romantic relationship and feel ready for one, we can talk about how to foster opportunity for romance in your life, but there really is no age by which you should already have experience with such relationships.

I see that you are concerned about your social-emotional development-- that if you don't have these interactions now, you won't be able to have them in the future. I am happy to assure you that it doesn't work that way, even when you have autism or ADHD. Not having a romantic relationship now will not impede your development, because 1. so many of the skills involved in that are common to the other relationships you will have in your life, with friends, family, colleagues, and housemates; and 2. these skills are are not ones that you can only develop when you are young, or ones that you must use to avoid losing.

As with anything new in life, there will be a period of unfamiliarity or a learning curve as you start to explore romance, no matter how old you are. That is just something we all have to be patient with ourselves for, and will not prevent you from being in a relationship with another person. So, when you say you want to experience romance, I hope it will be because you like the experience of dating for its own sake, and you like the people you will have these experiences with.

Does that make sense?

I want to recommend our series A Little Help From One Autistic Person to Another. It has a lot of advice on dating that you might like to read, but I'd recommend starting with these:

• It’s All Right: There Is No One Right Time to Start Dating

• How Do I Tell If Someone Is Into Me?

About opportunities for romance: I think it is unlikely that you are doing something wrong in particular, though there may be things you can do to make it easier to find a partner. To start, if I may ask, what happened with this boy who you liked?

[Latha]

Hello! I am a new poster. I was in a similar position at one point, including being AuDHD. I can only speak to you from personal experience.

Welcome SwirlStoody! And thanks for sharing <3!