Is it grooming and/or sa?

[Wishbone]

It’s been a few years now since this incident happened. In grades 8-9 I had a ‘strange’ relationship with my English/Support teacher. I thought nothing of it until an event that happened late 9th grade. But looking back, there have been some weird things.

She was the first teacher who I’ve really connected with. Before she became a support teacher for me, she would always pull me aside mid class to make sure I’m ok. She knew a lot about my mental health struggles. We’d bond over books. At one point, she had granted me permission to read my own book for the novel study. Because I was smarter than the other kids (not her exact words, but it was something along these lines). There had been one other kid who was in the same boat. She had also volunteered to be my support teacher fairly quickly. Usually it’s a long process but it had been made quick because of that. So she became my support teacher (around 9th grade — when I no longer had her as an English teacher). There had been times that she commissioned me to make her an art piece, or when we’d sneak off to steal chocolate from a classroom. My mom mentioned finding her cold towards her in meetings — no eye contact, etc, most people find her that way. But I remember her the exact opposite.

Around the end of 9th grade, I remember sitting at a table in the support room. She had come up to me to check in, like all support teachers would. I can’t remember the topic, but I do remember what had happened. She was full on caressing my leg with her’s. With her leg she was almost stroking along my entire leg, and the chair I was sitting on. She kept caressing the bottom and legs of it aswell, and I could feel it on my butt where she was touching it through the chair. I had pulled away, but I didn’t really say anything direct. I payed attention for the next bit on her interactions with other student, but I never saw her do anything remotely similar. It happened again, the same, but I pulled away more aggressively (enough to a point where she had to make an effort to keep doing it — which she did). After that, I had brought it up to a few friends. A teacher overheard, and I begged them not to tell l anyone because I didn’t want to get her in trouble. I was told they didn’t tell, but she had made a few insensitive comments regarding consent around me afterwards. I continued going to her class for the rest of the year, but I can’t remember if anything weird happened.

I realized over that summer that it was weird. I talked it out with my parents and the start of 10th grade, I filed an official complaint. I didn’t hear anything for months until I asked. I wasn’t allowed to know what happened, and on my side, it seems nothing did except her being told to stay away from me. She still glares at me in the hallways. I’m also fairly certain she told another teacher in the school about it, as this teacher has made some weird remarks about it.

I know that this whole situation was inappropriate. She violated me and my trust (I still miss her to this day, I had thought of her akin to one of my ‘best friends’). I get weird about contact with my legs still, and I get terrified any time a teacher makes an attempt to get somewhat close to me. I’m thinking that it was the beginning of grooming, but do I consider it? And people tell me that it’s sexual assault if it had that impact on me, but I’m still so unsure.

Sorry for the long message, it got way out of hand !!

[amber]

Hi Wishbone and welcome to the boards!

I am so sorry you experienced that. What she did was not ok, period. How have you been feeling? It sounds very tough to still be at school with her there. Do you have any support through friends or a counselor while at school?

Labels like grooming and sexual assault can be put onto the situation, but I think it's more important to focus on how you feel. Do you feel the situation should be labeled that way? We often think that things that happen to us need to be 'worse' to be labeled with these heavy words. The truth is that you felt, and still feel, violated by her actions. That feeling is enough. That feeling is valid.

[Wishbone]

Hey!

It is quite hard being at school. It’s summer break now, thankfully, but I had seen her every single day I was at school. She’s in charge of this big program/club at school that I’ve wanted to be in my whole life, so that sucks. I tried to join at one point, but dropped out fairly quickly because it was too much for me to handle. I can technically have supports at the school, but they’ve never helped much. Friend wise, it doesn’t often come up, but I do know that they’re there for me.

I’m mainly just struggling with second guessing myself? Like what if it didn’t happen or what if I’m exaggerating? I also often get a feeling I’m forgetting something big but it might just be anxiety. I’ve heard it’s normal to feel this way but idk

[Sofi]

It is very common to feel that way, and it makes a lot of sense. I understand second guessing yourself here, it's like you're almost gaslighting yourself thinking maybe you just blew it out of proportion. Here is where you want to trust yourself and your instincts. Clearly you had a gut feeling something was off even before that incident, and especially during and after. That's a feeling you can trust because she was indeed doing something inappropriate. As Amber said, the labels aren't really as important as your feelings, which are very valid here. Have you been able to talk to a mental health professional about this? It would be good to be able to process this and work through that anxiety. We can help find someone for you if you don't know how to do so. <3