Hello! this happened when I was 11 so about a year and a half ago. any, I had played a roblox game where you can make friends(basically tinder but to make friends. available to children-) and I met a boy we will call Zach. Zack was really nice so I gave him my number and we started texting and that was when things got.. weird. he said randomly"I'm a freak" and I was like "no you aren't!!" and he kept saying he was freaky and that's when I first realized and send "ohh lol" and he began around that time(3-4 days after we started texting) asking me things like "do you ever finger" and just talk about that kind of stuff (I did say it was fine to talk about but I was ELEVEN but I'm still unsure if it was still ok). -- text redacted -- but around then he just ghosted me. a while later I snuck a discord account and started DMing people I knew were 17+ -- text redacted -- but I do watch corn sometimes now. mom doesn't know about any of it but I don't know I feel like I'm carrying the world. I have been verbally abused. mentally abused. witnessed DV. and watched corn. all by the time I was 13.
was that my fault or were those older people at fault because I dont know anymore.
was this grooming/was that my own fault?
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Heather
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Re: was this grooming/was that my own fault?
Hi there, kade. I'm so very sorry that you're feeling like you're carrying so much, and that you have felt, and been, so isolated in all of this.
I edited some of your post out because some of what you posted could potentially get you in legal hot water. I'm still going to answer your questions and talk about what you asked about, I just don't want anything publicly posted by you or any of our users which could be dangerous for them in any way, so this is the way we do this sometimes when it's that kind of situation. This is also why we ask our users, in the user agreement, not to post about anything they themselves have done that's outside the law. It's for your protection.
It's never anyone's own fault that someone groomed them, exploited them, or abused them. Ever. It's not our fault if and when we are vulnerable or don't know things, and it sounds like in your case, that vulnerability also probably came in part from the other abuses you mention being the victim of here and the abuse you have witnessed. I'm so sorry that you were exploited, and I'm so sorry that all of this has resulted in what's clearly been a lot of confusion for you about what are appropriate ways to behave with other people.
It's also very common for young people, including children, to encounter or choose to look at sexual media. That's been the case for a very, very long time in human history, but, of course, it's all the more common now when it's so easy to find or even just kind of have hurled at you online when you're not even meaning to look for it. But just because it's common doesn't mean it's wanted or that it feels good.
It sounds to me like this is something where likely all of the young people involved, presuming everyone involved actually was a young person (with something like Roblox, you have no way of knowing, and the same goes with someone texting you and offering or sending photos, since someone can always offer or share photos of someone else and say it is them), all needed some adult supervision and guidance along the way they didn't have. I can't say if anyone meant to exploit anyone else, because I just don't know enough about the other people involved (again, including if they even were young people) to say. But it is clear that you wound up in some interactions and situations you didn't clearly understand and shouldn't have been in, and that not having any adults involved -- in the good way -- put at least you, if not others, in danger.
In the future, I'm going to strongly suggest that you not give someone online like this your phone number or anything identifying about yourself: your full name, photos, address, anything. I'd suggest you also don't accept the same from anyone else. If you want, we can talk about how to build healthy and safe relationships with online friends where, in time, we can sort out if it is safe to share more personal and identifying information with them, because there are safe ways to do this, they just never will be something we can do fast or without some specific information from the people involved and some serious boundaries.
I do also want to make sure that you know that if and when anyone under the age of majority (which is 18 in the United States) shares, asks for, or possesses nude or sexual images of themselves or someone else that that is a felony that can result in lifetime sex offender status, which is something that can really limit someone's whole life, pretty much forever. Not to mention that obviously, if and when anyone shares anything like that, it can wind up pretty much anywhere, which can put that person in danger in a few different ways. That means that this, in any way, shouldn't be a part of your life you even consider until you're an adult from here on out.
I'm going to suggest at the very least that you at least start trying to talk to some supportive adults.
You found one place (here) where you can get started with that, but I wonder if you can't think of at least one trusted adult in your life offline you could start to talk to: maybe a parent, maybe an extended relative, maybe a teacher or counselor at school, maybe a therapist? Can you think of anyone, even if that person or those people are people you, for now, only feel like you'd feel comfortable talking to about all of your life from here on out, rather than things that have happened in the past?
I edited some of your post out because some of what you posted could potentially get you in legal hot water. I'm still going to answer your questions and talk about what you asked about, I just don't want anything publicly posted by you or any of our users which could be dangerous for them in any way, so this is the way we do this sometimes when it's that kind of situation. This is also why we ask our users, in the user agreement, not to post about anything they themselves have done that's outside the law. It's for your protection.
It's never anyone's own fault that someone groomed them, exploited them, or abused them. Ever. It's not our fault if and when we are vulnerable or don't know things, and it sounds like in your case, that vulnerability also probably came in part from the other abuses you mention being the victim of here and the abuse you have witnessed. I'm so sorry that you were exploited, and I'm so sorry that all of this has resulted in what's clearly been a lot of confusion for you about what are appropriate ways to behave with other people.
It's also very common for young people, including children, to encounter or choose to look at sexual media. That's been the case for a very, very long time in human history, but, of course, it's all the more common now when it's so easy to find or even just kind of have hurled at you online when you're not even meaning to look for it. But just because it's common doesn't mean it's wanted or that it feels good.
It sounds to me like this is something where likely all of the young people involved, presuming everyone involved actually was a young person (with something like Roblox, you have no way of knowing, and the same goes with someone texting you and offering or sending photos, since someone can always offer or share photos of someone else and say it is them), all needed some adult supervision and guidance along the way they didn't have. I can't say if anyone meant to exploit anyone else, because I just don't know enough about the other people involved (again, including if they even were young people) to say. But it is clear that you wound up in some interactions and situations you didn't clearly understand and shouldn't have been in, and that not having any adults involved -- in the good way -- put at least you, if not others, in danger.
In the future, I'm going to strongly suggest that you not give someone online like this your phone number or anything identifying about yourself: your full name, photos, address, anything. I'd suggest you also don't accept the same from anyone else. If you want, we can talk about how to build healthy and safe relationships with online friends where, in time, we can sort out if it is safe to share more personal and identifying information with them, because there are safe ways to do this, they just never will be something we can do fast or without some specific information from the people involved and some serious boundaries.
I do also want to make sure that you know that if and when anyone under the age of majority (which is 18 in the United States) shares, asks for, or possesses nude or sexual images of themselves or someone else that that is a felony that can result in lifetime sex offender status, which is something that can really limit someone's whole life, pretty much forever. Not to mention that obviously, if and when anyone shares anything like that, it can wind up pretty much anywhere, which can put that person in danger in a few different ways. That means that this, in any way, shouldn't be a part of your life you even consider until you're an adult from here on out.
I'm going to suggest at the very least that you at least start trying to talk to some supportive adults.
You found one place (here) where you can get started with that, but I wonder if you can't think of at least one trusted adult in your life offline you could start to talk to: maybe a parent, maybe an extended relative, maybe a teacher or counselor at school, maybe a therapist? Can you think of anyone, even if that person or those people are people you, for now, only feel like you'd feel comfortable talking to about all of your life from here on out, rather than things that have happened in the past?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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