i think i like my online friend???

[queky]

so i met this girl online back in early february of this year through a mutual interest in a fandom we like and through playing roblox together. since that day, we've talked several times a day AND every single day since without fail and call at minimum 3 times a week, sometimes even more such as last week where we called every single day in the week. as we talk, we find more and more things we have in common such as music taste, we both draw, subculture, future goals, opinions on religion, our families and politics. ive never felt this aligned with anyone in my life before, far less anyone ive ever talked to online. i'll admit that i met her at a lonely time in my life during some friendship problems with my irl friend group, but my irl circle has since become more stable and i still feel so connected to this girl.

though i could confidently say a month ago that we were just really good friends, i feel ashamed to admit that my emotions have perhaps heightened to something more than that. gosh im so embarrassed to admit most of this but we do romantic roleplays aswell, sometimes nsfw and even that's a consistent thing we do daily now. we're really really close and we've expressed how neither of us has met anyone that we align with as much as the other person and send little heartwarming tiktoks to eachother from time to time. we've both seen eachothers faces, heard eachother's voices, know eachother so well. she's all i think about, even when im around irl friends, when im in class, its like shes occupying every little thought in my mind.

i appreciate this girl so much that i prioritise her over literally everyone in my life. when irls ask to call, id much rather talk to her. her timezone is 5 hours behind mine and i stay up until 5am on holiday nights to talk and hangout on call with her. even worse, ive been falling behind on schoolwork just thinking about this sweet, pretty and funny girl i talk to online.

thing is, ive never been in a romantic relationship before, not a completely certain one with a name on it. even worse, not an online one in particular. two of my irl friends are in online relationships with their two girlfriends and i get so so so jealous of them because i feel like i want that so so so bad with this girl it hurts. i feel stupid, like maybe its just because i met a fellow autistic person who has the same interests as me and treats me well and im being dumb for not understanding how relationships work because ive never been in one. one of our friends keeps on thinking we're dating because he noticed how we always do things together, but we just deny it and chalk it up to him butting into our business and us just being besties.

this girl is all the way in canada and im in the uk, it feels so so so embarrassing to admit all this but i seriously need to know either where to go from here or affirmation that im just being stupid and mistaking a basic platonic interaction for something more. she's 15 and i'm 17, which makes me a little worried if thats a weird age difference. i fear that being a mentally ill teenager has messed up my perception of romance and im idolising a girl on the internet who i may never be anything more with, maybe my autism is ruining how i view all this too. maybe my brain is taking these roleplays as real, maybe it is just platonic to talk about wanting to shower and kiss and cuddle with a girl you see as just a friend, i dont know!!!!! i fear maybe meeting a girl on the internet who treats me - an ftm guy - as any other dude but also as her closest friend is just driving me a little insane as someone who has had friendship problems in the past.

im really stuck since i dont want to lose a friendship thats so valuable to me emotionally and in every other way, especially one ive worked hard to cultivate and even took a big step in beginning in the first place. im lost and embarrassed and id take any word of advice that anyone could come up with.

[mikky]

Hey Queky,
Welcome to the boards, glad you are here. I am sorry that you’re feeling so much shame and embarrassment around this! Maybe I’m just unfamiliar with the idea of romantic roleplays, but everything you’ve described sounds like she is feeling incredibly reciprocal around these romantic/crushy feelings, and like the connection you have is based on a lot of very legitimate and great things (like common interests and values, the ability to talk and spend time together, etc), not just because you were experiencing loneliness. It sounds like she must also be prioritizing you to be speaking almost daily and across time zones.
I don’t think any of your ideas about this being potentially romantic are wrong or silly. I do think that shame and embarrassment are likely things we will want to explore, because they seem to really be affecting you!
I also think that whether a romantic relationship or platonic, it might also be a good time to check in on how consuming this is, if it is getting in the way of other friendships, schoolwork, sleep.
How would it feel to talk to her and ask her if she is also interested in a named romantic relationship with you? I don’t mean to say this is something you’d be ready for immediately, but long term, I think that explicit communication would be the next step in any case.

Before we go so much further into this, I think you would benefit from these articles:
Is It Wrong To Get Wrapped Up In Potential Romantic Futures?
- this one, especially <3 <3
Undoing Sexual Shame
Puppy Love: The Do's & Don'ts of Crushes (With Help from a Very Small Dog)
How Do I Tell If Someone Is Into Me?

[queky]

So, its been a month and I'm still harbouring these feelings, and also read through all the articles (thank you so much) and had lots of time to think. I've managed to balance out the obsession I had through connecting with my irl friends and other online friends which has been great - but being with them has made me realise that my feelings for this girl have been very distinctly romantic.

Throughout this time, much hasn't changed with our relationship. I recently also started talking to one of her friends and I've found myself getting a little jealous when I realise that she's talking to that friend instead of me, like I crave something more than just a basic friendship with her. I also worked through that, finding some peace in being alone and not constantly requiring attention from her, but again I still feel these romantic feelings.
I still harbour a little shame around this crush, being someone who grew up as a 'weird kid' but I doubt that she is hateful in the same manner as my peers and I think us being similarly neurodivergent has made me much more comfortable with myself when we talk and share photos. Surprisingly having a crush on her has made me much less shameful and self pitying around my experiences with romance?

I really think we could have something, even far into the future I can imagine myself taking big life steps such as moving to her country. However, even with all this I hugely fear losing our friendship. I fear that me confessing and her rejecting could mean losing a friendship that is very valuable to me and I'd feel very lost to feel change, even if it's inevitable. Even worse, we keep on doing things like saying 'i like you' or sending videos saying 'i want you' as 'jokes' and when I send them, i feel myself being ever so slightly serious and I don't know if she's feeling the same when she sends those messages.

I want to express SOMETHING but I really don't want to go directly romantic if that's possible? I'd hate to confess completely and say I only feel romantic love for her but I don't just want to keep on going like this for months. I want to express some sort of affection and see how she would respond and whether I can spot any hints towards her seeing me romantically, but I'm completely lost as to how. I'm honestly terrified to even imply anything solely romantic, but I want her to know that that option is very much open and not something I've closed off just because we've shut down our other friends who thought we were dating. Would really appreciate any more advice and thanks again.

[char]

Hi queky! I'm happy to hear that you've been able to connect with your friends and yourself in the past month. I can see how it gave you more clarity on how you feel about this girl in particular. It's nice to know that you've grown to accept yourself more, too.

I hear you on worrying about how your confession can affect your relationship going forward. I think that's a completely valid concern--after all, you're not entirely sure how she feels about you. At the same time, like mikky said on their reply, I believe the pros/good sides outweigh the cons here. She's shown that she's as invested in this relationship as you are, not just from how you describe your similarities to her but also through the conversations you both have.

Instead of framing the confession as a one-time, one-goal event, what do you think of showing your affection in a different way? You can (and should be) honest about what you're feeling, but it doesn't have to be done in one sitting, for example. It can be a multiple-time discussion, which allows open-ended questions from the two of you rather than a close-ended one like "Would you like to be my girlfriend?". By setting it this way, the two of you might feel less pressure, especially considering the timezone difference between you.