Advice for boundaries w/ family

[randomname88]

I (18, ftm) recently came out to my parents after 3 years, but it solved absolutely nothing. Ive always kinda had problems, especially with my mom, and after the first time I tried to come out 2 years ago, she brought me to the doctor to be put on anxiety meds without a proper diagnosis, and i put myself back in the closet after that (not that she let me finish talking but whatever). Our relationship was strained after that (from my perspective), especially because shes always been accepting of every other trans person,​ and when I finally came out again back in May, I had low expectations.

That day, she told me that she would "try her best" but insisted that my dad "might never get it" and that she wouldn't stop calling me pretty even though i explicitly told her it made me uncomfortable. Since then, she's only used my preferred name a handful of times, misgendered me constantly, never done any of that in front of my dad. The last time she used my chosen name was a month ago in a text, and later in the text she switched back to my birth name. It has not come up since.

Im going to college in the fall, and once im out of the house, I want to try to put in place some sort of boundary, not to keep them at arms length or anything, but just to make it clear that I will not be accepting this moving forward, especially in front of my friends and peers, in a community where I am trying to make connections and move into my career in 4 years. I just don't know how to approach this without my mom getting incredibly defensive about her previous actions. I dont like conflict, and tbh my parents can be very overbearing at times, so I want to be out of the house, but I just cant live like this anymore. It affects my mental health pretty strongly, and I dont feel like anyone in my family actually cares about me, and I dont want it to be like this. Do you have any advice for how to approach this in a way that would hopefully not blow this up into a massive argument?

[HannahP]

Hi randomname88! I'm so sorry that your family has not been able to respond to your authenticity the way you deserve. You are in such a tough situation but I think it's great that you're thinking about the future and what steps you can take to build the life that you want.

To start, I think that this would be a good article for you to take a look at: How do I cope with having a homophobic family?. Your situation is a little different, since I'm guessing you will not be financially independent from your family yet, but there's still some good stuff in there.

Then we have a big, very comprehensive article about setting boundaries that covers a lot of different examples and situations here: Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves

Some of the ideas from these articles that I like best and think are most applicable to you are:
1. Start by making a list of the boundaries that are most important to you and you really want to stick with consistently. It will help you hold to them more firmly if you have them written down.
2. Start small. This summer could be a good time to practice setting smaller boundaries (maybe even not things related to your gender, but things that have less emotional weight) with your family so that you can kind of ease into it.
3. The scripts in the superhero article demonstrate some useful ways that you can avoid conflict while still expressing your needs clearly. Sticking with "I" statements, keeping your tone light and neutral, and staying focused on the present moment are all things I think are helpful.

You mentioned that you're particularly worried about your mom feeling defensive about her previous actions. That's where I think that staying focused on the moment in question can be a big help, because you don't even need to get into her previous actions. For example, say she uses your birth name to refer to you. You can say "oops! [Preferred name] please!" or "Remember, I'd like you to call me [preferred name]." If she starts getting defensive or bringing up the past, you can respond with something like "I'm more focused on the future! It's really important to me that you call me [preferred name]." I find what works best here is to keep your requests short and consistent and not get sucked into debating or justifying yourself or being dragged off topic. Something that helps diffuse conflict is to be *boring* — just keep repeating your request and move along.

A lot of people find that when they first set boundaries with people, their reactions can get worst, even as their behavior gets better. This is called an "extinction burst." So it could be that your mom does get defensive or upset or complains more as you consistently remind her of your name and pronouns, but if you stick with it, those reactions typically tone down or go away. You're basically teaching your family that even if they make a fuss, you're going to stick with your boundaries, so it's not worth the energy to get into a big fight. I know that's super daunting (I also hate conflict!) but I have found that it really does work.

Okay, that was a lot to start out with! How do you feel? What seems useful/not useful?