Feeling alone while all your friends are dating

[Oliviai88]

Hi!
I just started an account because I have been mastrubating with myself a little bit over the past coupleof years but have gotten more in to it lately. I am just about to turn 19 & I have been kinda lonely. I have ADHD, Anxiety, Alopecia, & chronic shoulder pain which causes depression at times.
I have been noticing that most of my friends are in a relationship with someone & can't hang out because of work, etc. I have a "Boyfriend" who is living overseas but doesn't want to get into anything serious because he cares about me & doesn't want to leave me heartbroken, which is super sweet. He is a super cute, handsome & nice person but he lives overseas where I can't afford to visit him. He only comes back home like once a year because of how expensive it is to fly.

I have been masturbating with my self in a bigger way by fingering which has helped a little bit but I feel like I need something more than just fingering. Both of my parents work from home, can see my credit card info, & I don't have drivers license yet. I can't really ask my parents about it for help because they are very strict about this sort of thing.

I don't know if I just should ask one of friends for help or if I need to order something to help. Please let me know if you have any ideas!

[Latha]

Hello and welcome to the boards, Olivia88!

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with chronic pain and your mental health, and that you are feeling alone--it is unfortunate that your friends have seemed so busy when you've reached out to them.

It sounds like there are two related issues that you are asking about in your post: first, about your social connections with your friends and boyfriend, and second, about masturbation. We can talk about both.

For the former, I'm wondering how we can best help. Would you like to talk about how to make new friendships, or find ways to reconnect with the friends you've mentioned?

I also want to ask a bit more about your relationship. You've mentioned that this person does not want to get into anything serious. For your part, do you want a serious relationship with him, or are you also thinking of this as a more casual connection?

If this relationship really matters to you, if you think of him as a partner, not being in a serious relationship/being long distance may not reduce the hurt you'll feel if you have to break up. And if that is the case, I fear your 'boyfriend' is not really being sweet or considerate of your feelings when he maintains a casual relationship with you. What do you think?

For your question about masturbation: We have a couple resources about masturbation and pleasure that might give you ideas, since you are looking for more from the sex you are having:

• Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation

• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

• Take a Self-Love Road Trip: Let Curiosity Guide Your Masturbation

Something to remember is that sex is an activity that involves the whole body and mind. So, if you find that you are focusing primarily on fingering/genital stimulation, you could try to explore other erogenous areas of the body, experiment with stimulation of different speeds/textures/pressures, and explore fantasies.

We also have an article on DIYing sex toys with what you have at home that may be of interest to you. As for your question about how you might purchase one:

• Personal massagers are sold at department stores--if your parents are unlikely to see your purchases, that may be an option.

• If you have the kind of relationship with your friends where you talk about sex, you could ask for them to order and even receive the package for you.

• As I understand, businesses that sell sex toys will often use benign and discreet sounding names for their payment systems, so your purchase would be identifiable as sex-related on your credit card. The best way to confirm that is to check their website or ask a salesperson/customer care what the purchase will show up as.

Do any of these ideas sound viable?

[Oliviai88]

Hi Latha!
Thank you so much for your response, it means a lot.

I would really like to make new friends & reconnect with the ones that I mentioned. My bestie moved to Virginia for college. My other bestie has chronic health issues which makes it hard for her to get together.
I would like to be in a real relationship with him but it's hard with him being overseas. I think that you're right about being in a long distance relationship might not reduce the hurt I would feel.

Thank you for the articles. I'll definitely be reading through them & using them for information.
I could talk to one of my besties, but I don't know how to. For the toys, I'll definitely look at the article to see what works best for me. I'll definitely be try out the whole body, trying fantasies, speeds, textures, etc my next try.
I do have like access to gift cards that I could use to pay for one. The nice thing is that I'm also at home all the time & I would most likely get the package.
I just don't know what is the best beginner size, toy, type that is good for beginners that are also easy to use. Any suggestions?

These options definitely sound viable, thank you!

[Latha]

Hi there Oliviai88!

Some ideas to reconnect with your friends:

• Have you ever talked to your chronically ill friend about the kinds of activities she has an easier time participating in? To also consider the setting of your hangouts, would having them at her home, or online make them less taxing?

• What would you think of scheduling regular calls to catch up with your friends? This can be more or less specific: biweekly on Sundays at 4:30 PM, or an general agreement to call each other on the weekends.

• You might also try to find asynchronous activities--something like a book or show or movie (really, any common interest) that you can text each other about or discuss on calls.

Does any of that sound like something you and your friends would enjoy?

For making new friends: I have it on good authority that the basic formula for making friends is to show up to a place where you can meet new people regularly, and to be nice to them. This can be online (like in a discord server) or offline (like a hobby group). Those are vague ideas, but do they sound like something you'd be interested in? I also remember you've said that you can't drive yet--do you have access to other kinds of transportation?

I think that you're right about being in a long distance relationship might not reduce the hurt I would feel.

I'm sorry to hear that. Given that you still might be hurt, can I ask what do you think about being in this relationship now? What do you like about this guy?

I just don't know what is the best beginner size, toy, type that is good for beginners that are also easy to use. Any suggestions?

I don't think there is any type of toy that is generally best for beginners--everyone is different, after all. But if you are not used to insertive sex and want to explore it, it is advisable to start small. If you've tried insertion with fingering, you could use the size of your fingers as a guide to the size of toy you should get.

We do have a series about different sex toys that could help you figure out what kind you'll want: How to Play with Toys: Welcome!