Why doesn’t my mom allow me this?

[PenguinsRcool]

So apparently my mother has told me a few times that Im not allowed to use tampons until Im 18. Why? In the beginning I thought this was an actual law but I saw in my old school (which it was both a middle and high school together) had both pads and tampons in the girls bathroom. I know Im legally an adult by 18, does she think that inserting something in me is the same as intercourse? Even if it isn’t sexual?

Because of this I literally had to make my own with toilet paper just so my anxiety level would drop to a zero (Im always scared if it bleeds through my clothes) because man these pads aren’t really nifty to me.

[char]

Hi again Penguins! You're right, there isn't a law anywhere else that forbids any menstruating folk from using tampons.

It's possible that what you mentioned in your post is the case here; some people, particularly those who were raised in an environment where sex outside of vaginal intercourse between a married couple consisting of straight, cisgender folks is considered taboo and "sinful," believe that the vulva has to be "preserved" for "someone special." In these communities, people (usually women; though as we know, not everyone with vulvas are women) are expected to keep anything away from their vagina so that they remain a "virgin." If they inserted anything into their vagina, even a menstrual product like a tampon or a menstrual cup, they are considered "tainted." As you can see, there's a lot of issues with this mindset, and you might be familiar with it yourself. Using insertive menstrual products is not the same as having sex. And everyone has the agency to do whatever they want with their bodies while also getting access to education about their bodies that is accurate, inclusive, and non-judgmental.

Would it be possible for you to ask your mom about her reasoning? It sounds like using menstrual pads isn't the most ideal for you. If it doesn't look like it's safe for you to get yourself tampons, there are non-insertive options you can consider, such as reusable/washable pads and period underwear.

[Heather]

Hey there, PenguinsRCool. I'm going to stop in your other thread as well, but I just want to make sure you know to not try and hand-make a tampon with toilet paper like you did again since that wasn't addressed here yet.

Toilet paper is absolutely not designed to go -- nor is it ay all safe for -- inside the vagina. Tampons are engineered much differently, including to assure that when used properly, fibers from them don't wind up separating from the tampon. Putting something like wadded up toilet paper inside presents a much bigger risk of dangerous infections, like Toxic Shock Syndrome, than tampons used properly do. Please stop doing this immediately, for your health.

Instead, I suggest that if you want to use tampons, you use tampons. A parent can't actually dictate what you do with your body like your mother is trying to. You have the right to manage your menstrual flow however you like. I don't know why your mother made that arbitrary rule, but it's not one you have to follow. You can talk to her about it if you want, but you also have the right to just buy yourself some tampons and use them if pads don't work for you.

[PenguinsRcool]

Oh ok thanks I’ll stop it I don’t do that a lot just when I’m feeling anxious. But for my mom I think she may believe it’s too much for me to handle it and also she might find a bit awkward for her daughter using something internal.

[mikky]

Hey penguinsrcool,
If you’re feeling nervous about bleeding through a pad, and you aren’t able to access tampons at home, you might try buying longer pads or ones that say “overnight” for regular use. They can be a little uncomfortable, but if bleeding through or leaking is a concern, that can be a little better. Ultimately, it is not your mom’s business what goes in your vagina, only yours. If she feels awkward about that, that is on her to manage, not you. Tampons aren’t more mature or grown-up than any other tool to absorb or collect menstrual flow!

I know that it can be nerve wracking for some to use a tampon for the first time, especially if you can’t ask a parent for help. If that is something you’d like to try, there are some good instructions here: https://youtube.com/shorts/E6xRWro_QfE? ... OLTmiWCi9N and here: https://youngwomenshealth.org/guides/tampons/ .

[PenguinsRcool]

Thank you Mikki! About Char’s explanation about of the reasons of my mom not allowing me, I don’t think my mom believes about this virginity thing (she never got married), but
I don’t know if different cultures can influence a parent’s perspective, since we are originally from Brazil (my mother being born in the late 80s) she had probably seen totally different things regarding relationships (as my grandmother was a teenage mom). Oh and can you explain to me what’s Toxic Shock Syndrome?

[Heather]

Hey there.

Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) is a rare but very dangerous complication from bacterial infections that can develop from the wrong things being inside the vagina (like wadded up toilet paper) or tampons being left in too long. Tampon use by itself doesn't cause TSS, but a lot of people learned it did, and that might be part of your mother's concerns about tampons. It sounds like your grandmother is probably around my age or a little older, and if that's the case, then for sure, she would have heard a lot of stuff about tampons in the 60s and 70s -- from safety issues to sexual issues -- that we just have known for a long time now aren't true or complete.

But the fact is that your body won't change on your 18th birthday, and tampons are no more safe nor more dangerous for you to use now or then -- what makes them safe or not isn't how old the person using them is, but how someone uses them. Again, that's namely about not leaving them in for longer than directed, as well as only using the size needed for your amount of flow. When someone does both those things, tampons are perfectly safe, and that's as true for someone 16 as it is for someone 40.

Again, parents don't have the right to direct how you manage your menstrual flow, and trying to do so is a really big lack of boundaries in my book. So, if you want to get some and use them, I think you just should and you can let your mother know, if you want, and then just gently tell her that while you appreciate her concern for you, this doesn't get to be up to her, and you have done your research to know how to use tampons safely.

[PenguinsRcool]

Thank you, about my grandmother is there any history to how sex ed was back in the late 70s (specifically in Brazil). Although my mother was born when her mother (oh wow confusing) was already an adult (late 80s) my mother’s brother was born when my grandma was 15 (oh my god I hope you don’t get confused by my explanation). I just want to know what reasons did kids back then weren’t aware of the dangers of pregnancy? How was there lack for info to prevent them?

I once read a story online where this person believed that kissing was the cause of pregnancy, but yet when she had a boyfriend they literally made love and you know… results was her having a baby now (this was in the 70s, although in the US).

[mikky]

That's a great question, and I'll poke around and see if I can't find Brazil-specific histories of sex ed.
As you probably know, sex ed isn't just something that happens in schools or from organizations like us. A lot of people learn about sex and relationships in informal ways, like through their families, fictional media, religious leaders, friends, and peers. SIECUS has a good "History of Sex Ed" you can look at here., that is focused on the US. In the US, the 70's were a time of changing attitudes around sex. Someone's experience with sex education at that time would, as it would now, depend greatly on who they were being parented by, where they lived, what media they consumed, their gender, race, and class... The best way to know what experiences your mom or grandma have had with sex ed is to ask them directly. It could be very interesting to hear about what shaped their ideas and knowledge.

You ask specifically, though, "what reasons did kids back then weren’t aware of the dangers of pregnancy? How was there lack for info to prevent them?"

There are a lot of reasons that young people in the 70s may have lacked proper education and resources for pregnancy prevention. If you look at the SIECUS pamphlet, you'll probably see the term "abstinence only education" used. That refers to sex education that teaches only that the morally right thing and only way to prevent unwanted pregnancy is to wait to have sex until marriage. We know now this type of education is totally ineffective. While formal abstinence only programs became more popular in the 80s, that attitude has been around for a long time.

Another reason is just access to contraceptives, like condoms, hormonal birth control, or education on different methods. Oral contraceptives (birth control pills) were very new in the 70s. IUDs were just becoming available. There was (and still is) distrust around certain contraceptives, especially in communities that had been subject to cruel medical experimentation or sterilization (More on that: Reproductive Justice Timeline ). Having access to something like a condom, knowing to use it, and how to use it, and why to use it, wasn't universal to young people in many parts of the world-- and that is still true today.

We have an article touching on the current state of sex ed in Brazil: Sex Education Could Be a Lifeline for Brazilian LGBTQIA+ Youth, as well as A Collective Cause: Brazilian and Portuguese-language Sex Ed Resource Caos.a.

[Heather]

I also have a few things to add about the kind of history you're asking for.

One thing to remember, like Mikky mentioned, is that sex education itself can't prevent pregnancy. In most places, including Brazil, access to effective forms of birth control were very limited for most people, especially unmarried people, until about the early 1980s. And because that was also pre HIV/AIDS, even though condoms were often available, men were often much more reluctant to use them (including because they were not made as well as they are now), so many people engaging in sex -- and remember, too, that many women didn't feel real sexual agency yet at this time, so many would have sex with men they felt pressured into or just didn't particularly want -- were either using nothing at all or were using withdrawal, one of the least effective ways to prevent pregnancy.

But honestly, most sex ed in the 70s, everywhere, didn't talk much about sex at all. As both someone who had sex ed during that era, and someone who is familiar with the history of sex ed, I can tell you that when it existed at all -- and it often didn't -- it was typically focused on puberty, menstruation, and human reproduction, but usually more about how a fetus develops than on things like how to prevent it. It certainly didn't include things like birth control methods and how to negotiate them with partners, which is the least people need in order to do what we need to to prevent pregnancy.

I'd also add that many people still lack this education and information, which is part of why millions of people a year use this website. We still get people who don't understand how pregnancy happens and have the kind of experience you're describing happening in the 1970s, sadly.

[PenguinsRcool]

Oh I see, my mother tells me that men here in the US seem to be more hesitated about using condoms then in Brazil, as to which there is a higher percentage of those with STDs here than in Brazil based on preferences and beliefs (probably political views? Idk Im not familiar with the politics from my home country).

About sex ed, I like to point out that in my mom’s teenage years (mid 2000’s) she had been given well informed sex ed through school and said that at that time in Brazil seemed more advanced about this topic than in the US.

Oh and Sex Ed was probably highly influenced by social norms too back in the 70s-90s, since there was a more “conservative” way of life for both men and women don’t forget that religion was taken more heavily at that time too. As like Mikki said about abstinence can also have been popularized as the only option back then due to “keeping your virginity until marriage” and like queerness too being viewed as something heavily negative back then (using religion to justify what choices or acts seemed “inhuman” or wrong, sadly this was probably the reason why these types of situations revolving sex has been arisen and to this day there still being debates and even being added to politics here in the US, which is happening right now)

I hope you understand what I’m trying to explain.

[PenguinsRcool]

And the AIDS epidemic back in the 80s, made things even worse for queer people in how they were viewed in society back then, making stereotypes and discrimination to them due to the fact heterosexuality was and still is seen as the norm, and using a harmful disease (that can be transmitted to anyone, regardless if you are a heterosexual or not) as a reason of homosexuality being disgusting and filthy. Sadly there are still people today who will spread fake rumors online about a HIV spread by gay men and that info can reach to audiences who are close minded and have their reasons even more justified to why queerness is a disgrace in society.

Yikes Im just saying on what I saw in my life. This is a horrible reality that still exists

[Latha]

Hi there, Penguinsrcool!

I've caught up on your conversations here, and I do think I understand what you are trying to explain. Thank you for your observations! Yes, sex ed has been influenced by conservative social norms and stigma against queer people, both of which still cause harm today.

To comment briefly on what your mother tells you: she could be right about her experiences with sex education and dating, but that isn't quite the same as having a complete view of what sex ed has been like for the past few decades across two large and diverse countries--I want to suggest taking her observations about sexual culture with a grain of salt. The interactions she has described having while dating seem to have been frustrating, but as Heather and Hannah explained in your other conversation here, those experiences are not actually representative of the way everyone dates or how all men treat their partners. Does that make sense?

[PenguinsRcool]

Oh yeah definitely, just something I wanted to share to add about her experience with it.

Talking about sex ed I had it two years ago, the teacher (who he was my bio teacher at the same time) did do a great job, although he was a bit awkward about it I noticed despite talking about contraptions, types of diseases, being careful with strangers, and even a little about the psychology of how “sex sells” in the industry, uhh he was a bit intimidated about sex as the act itself, he did teach how couples should show respect and consent to each other, oh man he even freaking used an actual condom in his finger (supposed to use a banana but I guess it was too much for him, it was a big class of mixed genders). Ok but about the act itself, he did just said the names of the types there were and how people did them (not really he said something like this “oral, is when the mouth comes to contact with the genital”)

Now Im thinking about this thing from two years ago, and now I’m just wondering, how do young queer folks especially women are going to know how to do it? I think for guys it’s easier to figure out how to have sex but what about girls? Literally you can’t penetrate a vagina with a vagina, my teacher didn’t mention toys, and I guess oral would be the only option to them, but like I know you can luckily search up online on how to do it but I just now today find a bit weird on how “sex” was the literal thing that he left most blank parts about.

[PenguinsRcool]

Oh and he didn’t mention about manual sex, only when it came to masturbation,
He did do this thing where kids in the class could write their questions to him (anonymously) and he reads it out to the class and answers them. I just noticed how the boys are more open to their habits and asks which parts are healthy or dangerous, but literally no girls (I could know it was guys due to words of “cum” “semen” “ejaculation” and “jerking off” are commonly used with boys) and like not even a question of “how do girls masturbate?” Like man I feel that majority of girls aren’t really aware of their sexuality and that the only pleasure that they could get is with a guy, I wish that people said it’s normal to anyone regardless of gender and at least teach on how you could do it. And I like to add is that my male friend once messaged me and he was really embarrassed asking me if girls masturbate (he is 16), I said yes they do but I just found it weird on how society is really intimidated about sex when it’s with women, ironically women are so sexualized.

One more add on, interesting is that I thought about a queer’s perspective to his sex ed when I identified myself as bisexual, I think sex ed is still not perfect and still have some blank spots for some of kids to wonder, but it’s greatly better taught than back in those decades that I have asked about (like the 70s).

[mikky]

Hey PenguinsRCool,

It’s pretty common that in school based sex ed, students don’t get a lot of information about the mechanics or “how does this actually happen” of sex.
Something I want to make sure you understand, because I think this also was coming up in our other thread, is that sex is not just penis-in-vagina intercourse, even between straight partnerships. We really don’t like to use the word “penetration” here for many reasons, but one of those is that it misrepresents intercourse and makes it seem kind of violent or scary. Sex between any people can involve a lot more than intercourse.
I’m going to pull a list from What's Sex?:

What can “sex” be?
-Masturbation (doing some of the things on the list below with oneself, not a partner)
-Kissing/Making out⁠
-Petting/Stroking/Sexual massage
-Breast or nipple stimulation
-Frottage or tribbing⁠ (rubbing against genitals⁠ or rubbing genitals together, when clothed, called “dry sex”)
-Mutual masturbation (masturbating with a partner)
-Manual-genital sex (like handjobs, fingering or deep manual sex⁠, which some people call “fisting”)
-Oral-genital sex (to/with a penis⁠, vulva⁠, anus⁠)
-Vaginal intercourse
-Sex toy-vagina or sex toy-penis sexual intercourse
-Anal sex (like anal intercourse⁠ with a penis, toy or hands)
-Talking in a sexual way/sharing sexual fantasies/sexual role-play
-Sensation play, like pinching, touching someone with objects in some way or spanking (which may or may not be part of BDSM⁠)
-Cybersex, text sex or phone sex⁠ (with or without masturbation)
-Fluid-play (when people do things with body fluids for sexual enjoyment, like ejaculating on someone in a particular way)
…or something else entirely.

There certainly are more media representations or common ideas about what sex looks like when there is a penis and vagina involved, which can be tricky for queer folks trying to navigate what sex might look like for them. But for all partnered sex, exploring what feels good and pleasurable is likely going to bring about a better experience than doing a specific scripted idea of sex. Does that make sense?

I’ll challenge that only guys use the words “cum,” “ejaculation,” “semen,” and even “jerking off.” Semen and ejaculation are just the actual words for those two things. I agree, though, that a lot of girls are not taught that masturbation is a normal and healthy part of sexuality, and that there is a lot more stigma around that.

All of this is why we have this site- because the type of sex ed folks get from a lot of different sources, whether that be school, friends, media, parents; fails to incorporate pleasure and queerness, and leaves a lot of questions unanswered.