how can I discover what my body likes?

[moralisa]

Hello,

I've been in a relationship for three years (a bit of a long-distance relationship) and I have a fairly active sex life, but I feel like I don't know what my own pleasure is. I want to have sex, I'm often mentally aroused, but physically I feel very little. It's as if the mental excitement motivates me to do it, and once I'm in the moment, I just want it to be over; there's a drop in desire...

What also bothers me is that when I feel a strong sexual urge, now instead of turning to my boyfriend, I sometimes turn to porn. And that can make me feel guilty, because I sometimes feel like I'm just watching others enjoy themselves, almost like a form of voyeurism.

At the same time, it's practically the only thing that used to give me a feeling of sexual satisfaction. I should clarify that I don't even masturbate while watching: simply watching can give me a kind of mental satisfaction. However, when I try to masturbate myself, with my fingers or a toy, I feel very little pleasure, sometimes almost nothing. I've never really managed to find a way to touch myself that makes me want to continue or that triggers a real surge of pleasure. Lately, I've also found myself watching this for hours and feeling envious that I can't experience what these people feel.

With my boyfriend, it's slightly different, despite the physical and mental attraction. When he touches me with his fingers, I can feel satisfaction, and it's probably the activity that currently gives me the most pleasure. But even then, it's rarely anything very intense. As for the rest, whether it's penetration or other practices, my sensations seem rather lackluster compared to the level of arousal I feel mentally. It's like I could just be satisfied with foreplay (only fingers) and that would be enough for me. It's also created a kind of regret within me. Before, I enjoyed masturbating him and things like that, but for the past few months I haven't felt the desire anymore. It's as if I know in advance that what comes after won't please me, so I no longer see the point in pleasing him knowing I'll be left unsatisfied.

So, I don't really know where the problem lies. Do I simply not know my own body yet? Is the way my boyfriend stimulates me not right for me? Do I need a different kind of stimulation? And above all, how can I learn what I like if even when I touch myself, I feel very little?

Regarding pornographic content, I've also recently started wondering if my approach to it is problematic. It's not something I watch constantly: I might watch it for a few days or a week, then stop completely for several weeks or months. It's mainly when I have a very strong sexual urge that the desire returns, almost as if I'm breaking a period of abstinence. In the moment, I sometimes feel like I really need it to get that mental satisfaction, even though afterward I can go a very long time without it again.

Did any of you experience a lot of mental arousal from videos or fantasies, but very little sensation when touching yourselves? How did you discover what you enjoyed physically? Did anything help you transition from primarily mental pleasure to more intense physical pleasure?

Thank you for reading and for your responses.

[Becky]

Hi moralisa, welcome to the boards!

Ok, I'm gonna try and break down the things I hear happening.

1) You're feeling sexual arousal either from porn or being with your boyfriend, but once things start getting more physical you aren't experiencing the sensation you hoped for and your desire drops/you start to wish for the moment to be over.

I have a couple of questions here. Sorry to get a bit personal, but what kind of sexual activity are you engaging in with yourself and your boyfriend? You mentioned sometimes using your fingers or a toy. Are these toys vibrating? Are they dildos meant to be inserted into the vagina?

I ask because you said two things. That you could "could just be satisfied with foreplay (only fingers) and that would be enough for me". I think what you might mean here is that outercourse (touching the vulva/clitoris with fingers, toys, or a tongue) is more pleasurable than intercourse (a toy, fingers, or a penis being inserted into the vagina). Does that sound correct? Because it is pretty common for people with vulvas and vaginas to get more pleasure from clitoral stimulation than vaginal.

You also said, "Did anything help you transition from primarily mental pleasure to more intense physical pleasure?" Have you been finding the physical pleasure too intense? Sometimes vibrators or direct stimulation to the clitoris can be too much. Sometimes, touching around the clitoris or keeping underwear or a layer of fabric on top can help reduce some of the overstimulation.

Also, how have YOU been feeling lately? How is your mental health? Have you been sleeping? Sexual pleasure is a whole body experience. If we're going through a "low" period in our lives that can very easily affect how we're feeling sexually.

2) You have some concerns about your pornography consumption.

Nothing you said sounds concerning to me. Is there a reason you are concerned about it?

I'm going to leave some articles here for you to check out related to these topics:

On Sexual Pleasure:
I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment
With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

On pornography:
Looking, Lusting and Learning: A Straightforward Look at Pornography
The Facts on Porn and Sex "Addiction"

[moralisa]

Thank you so much for your reply.

Yes, you've summed up my situation quite well.
On my own, I've tried pleasuring myself using my imagination or while watching porn, but the sensation was more disturbing than pleasurable, and it never gave me any pleasure.

I also bought a toy with a vibrating clitoral stimulator and a vaginal stimulator. Vaginal stimulation gives me practically no sensation, even when I watch porn at the same time. As for the clitoral stimulator, the sensation is more like tickling than arousal. I also don't feel any arousal from touching my erogenous or intimate areas.
My boyfriend and I don't use any toys yet. For now, we're trying to understand what might actually give me pleasure with different practices: oral sex, fingering, and penetrative sex.
Oral sex doesn't give me any particular sensation: it's neither unpleasant nor particularly pleasurable. On the other hand, internal fingering is currently my favorite practice, because it's the only one during which I feel any satisfaction from receiving it.

You mentioned possible clitoral overstimulation. How can one know if that's the case? It's true that every time I've used my vibrator, I've placed it directly on my clitoris. However, I haven't found the sensation particularly intense. The pleasure doesn't even build gradually: it's really comparable to someone tickling you and making you laugh so hard you can't help it. I hope the comparison is understandable, because I have trouble describing the feeling.

Regarding porn, what worries me most is its effect on my relationship with my own sexuality. The more I watch it, the more I want to experience sex that would give me the level of arousal I see on screen, and the more frustrated I feel with my own sexual experiences with my boyfriend.

This is even starting to diminish my desire to have sex with him, because I'm already anticipating that I'll end up unsatisfied. So sometimes, I prefer to watch porn in secret (without touching myself, and sometimes for several hours at a time) and live with that frustration. Then I wait until I reach a very high level of arousal again, I try to have sex with my boyfriend again, I'm disappointed again, and then the cycle starts all over again.

What I really don't understand is why my most intense moments of arousal happen when I watch other people having sex, while I feel much less when I'm actually engaging in sexual activity myself. I'm a little ashamed of this situation, and that's also why I don't talk to my boyfriend about my viewing habits.
All of this makes me wonder if my arousal is primarily psychological, or if I can also experience a much greater physical pleasure. To be honest, I'm afraid I'll never discover that feeling. I also wonder how to know what my body likes when even my own attempts at masturbation bring me practically nothing. What do you think?

[amber]

Hi moralisa,

I hear you on your struggles, it sounds frustrating to be experiencing pretty specific periods of arousal without the pay off you are hoping for.

The first thing I am thinking is in regards to the pleasure you described while watching porn. It is ok and not uncommon to feel sexual pleasure around watching people have sex while not necessarily being involved. Have you ever thought about taking that fantasy into the sex you have with your partner? Would it sound appealing to watch them do something like masturbate while you watch? This could be a way to pull your fantasy into you sex life and physical stimulation.

On the toys you brought up, I do think direct clitoral vibration could be a little intense to start. Do you enjoy rubbing or touching your clit without the toy?

I also wanna mention that enjoying fingering from your partner, and not yourself, is not uncommon. The angle is simply different when it's your own hand vs someone elses.

That's a lot thrown at ya. Does that feel like it answers your questions?

[moralisa]

Yes, the thought of watching him masturbate has crossed my mind. The idea appeals to me and awakens a real curiosity within me. But in practice, as soon as we start something like that, we very quickly end up having regular sex, and the same pattern repeats itself: I'm aroused at first, then once we're in the act, I feel little pleasure and end up frustrated.

I've also tried rubbing and touching my clitoris with my fingers, without a toy, but unfortunately, it does practically nothing for me. It's almost as if my body is insensitive to my own touch. With a vibrator, I mostly feel tickling, but not a surge of pleasure.
So I think I'm still quite perplexed about the core of my problem: how do you discover what you like when almost everything you try provides little or no sensation? How do you know what kind of stimulation can truly give me pleasure if I haven't yet found something that makes me want to continue?

[amber]

I hear you on the struggle or almost frustration with this. I will say I think it is much more likely a mental block than something physical. Focusing on what we know makes you feel good (or mentally aroused) sounds like the best bet.

I know you said you've tried to watch your partner in the past, but I'm wondering if you simply do not do it with the goal of leading to anything else. Instead you do it completely for the sake of your mental arousal. This would likely require a conversation with you partner about what you've been struggling with. Have you guys talked about this at all?

[moralisa]

Yes, I had already talked to him about some of my concerns, but not in as much detail as I have here. He thought we might be putting too much pressure on ourselves to please each other and that we should simply try to be more present in the moment. We tried approaching sex that way, but it didn't really change how I feel.

I think I understand what you're suggesting: not necessarily aiming for full intercourse, but focusing on just one thing that excites me or gives me at least a little pleasure, without it having to lead to sexual intercourse, is that right?

My fear is that if we slow down but most of the stimulation remains neutral for me, I'll just end up getting bored and we'll fall back into the same problem. Right now, internal fingering is really the only thing that gives me any satisfaction.

In that case, how would you go about transforming this type of experience into something useful for discovering what I enjoy, rather than simply repeating acts that don't give me much? And do you think I should, for a while, completely remove the practices that don't give me anything and focus solely on fingering?

[amber]

That is great that you have talked about this. I do agree that taking away pressure is good but I also think it is helpful for him, and you, to be working towards your pleasure actively.

Yes that is exactly what I mean! Watch for the sake of watching him and see where that goes. It seems like you also let your worries of past experiences jump into the suggestions to try something new. This is where pressure needs to be taken off. So what if you watch your partner, he gets off and you still feel unsatisfied - you tried something you thought would be exciting and it didnt work out the way you planned. The flip side is it can work out in ways you can not anticipate, so I suggest maybe trying without any assumptions or expectations.

I do think you should stop doing things that you do not like. We know that those things arnt working right now so there is no need to keep pushing. Instead it may be helpful to focusing on fingering (cause you know you like it). You could also play around with different positions or scenarios that incorporate fingering to change things up.