Newfound drive and masturbation

[LopezMonty]

So I should start this off with good news: I’m on testosterone! Yay!

It took years of pleading and fully finishing female puberty, but I’ve finally started testosterone.

This is a good thing, obviously. Except I’m experiencing this one effect from it. I know an increased sex drive is normal for testosterone therapy, but I guess I thought it would take much longer to hit me.

I would say I’ve made some progress when it comes to unpacking my shame around masturbation, but it’s nowhere near completely gone. I don’t really know how to ask any other way, so to all the sex educators and AFAB people here:

How the hell is sexual penetration of any kind supposed to feel good?

It’s been years since I’ve tried to masturbate under my clothes (probably because that never felt good). Since penetration has just been confined to masturbation for me, it’s only involved my fingers. It doesn’t hurt (front hole or back, I prefer not to use feminine terminology for my genitals) but it doesn’t feel good either.
It’s uncomfortable, for the most part. Sometimes in the front, it’s like a dull pain or feels almost itchy? In the back it feels much more calm. Calm? It’s just less stressful or irritating, which probably doesn’t make much sense seeing as the anus is not really meant for that kind of thing.

And after I tried, and failed, it hurt to pee afterward. There was no blood, and the opening itself didn’t hurt, just the urethra.

I’m just wondering if I’m being crazy or doing something wrong or if there’s something wrong with my body.

[Sofi]

Hi there, LopezMonty. That’s awesome! I’m so glad you’re happy and excited about this, congratulations.

The honest truth about the question “How the hell is sexual penetration of any kind supposed to feel good?” is that for a lot of people, it doesn’t. For others, it does, but often with some care in place such as making sure they’re fully aroused and relaxed first, using lube, and going at a comfortable pace at first. It’s not something everyone enjoys by any means, so don’t feel like anything is wrong with you. It’s a common experience to prefer masturbating in other ways and by stimulating areas where there are more nerve endings, such as the clitoris. Can you share a bit about why you are wanting to masturbate in this new way instead of the way you’re used to so we can understand better?

There should never be pain during sex (solo or partnered), by the way, and while some discomfort can be normal, it’s not ideal and can be a sign that something needs to be modified in order to make the experience more comfortable. Listening to your body is important, so if something feels uncomfortable, you don’t have to keep trying. The pain you feel afterwards could be a few things such as a small internal scratch or tear, or since you mentioned it feels like it’s the urethra itself, could be a UTI. It’s really important to have clean hands before inserting any fingers in, and to pee after you’re done to flush out bacteria that could cause a UTI. Has the discomfort persisted or has it gone away?

I also just want to mention that we don’t use the term “penetration” here, and that’s because it has a violent connotation that implies the vagina or anus is a passive participant in being penetrated by something, rather than an active participant in an act of insertion (a term that sounds much less aggressive). You are welcome to use whatever term you prefer, of course, but just wanted to give you that perspective. <3

[LopezMonty]

First, to address the last part: I’m sorry, I didn’t know. But insertion really does sound so much better! Makes me wonder why I never thought to use that term before.

The discomfort has not persisted. It went away after a few minutes, which is good.

About why I decided to try something different; I don’t really know why. I guess I feel like doing the same thing every time might be getting boring? Or maybe somewhere in my mind I think that if I just masturbate the way cis people do, I’ll be able to overcome my dysphoria (yeah, right lol).

At first it started with, well, wanting to try butt stuff. Since I like men and consider myself a man-aligned person (gender is weird). And that ended up being slightly better, though I still felt very little.

I guess part of me wants to understand what other people with my anatomy do to feel good without just rubbing the clitoris over and over again. Toys would probably be good for that, but I don’t have the confidence to buy them, even though I’ll be legally able to soon.

This is a mess, sorry.

[Latha]

Hi there, LopezMonty

No worries, this is not a mess--we understand that figuring out what you enjoy during sex can just be really complicated. And we certainly don't mind you talking to us about it, because we're here to help.

Masturbating exactly as cis people do to overcome your dysphoria might be a tough expectation to place on yourself, but experimenting may help you find ways of masturbating that are more aligned with your gender/less dysphoria-inducing. If you are feeling bored, you might as well try something different.

I guess part of me wants to understand what other people with my anatomy do to feel good without just rubbing the clitoris over and over again.

We often say here that sexual pleasure involves the whole body and mind, not just the genitals... Have you tried exploring erogenous sensations on other parts of your body during masturbation? And, would you say you are very aroused by the time you start to masturbate? Do you have fantasies that are very interesting to you? Already being in the mood can make physical stimulation feel like much more, and starting with the latter doesn't always lead to the former.

[LopezMonty]

1. No, I have not explored other erogenous zones on my body. The only one I can think of other than the genitals is the nipples. Both cause me dysphoria, but I think my chest causes more dysphoria, so I don’t try with it.

2. I think that depends on the specific day, but most of the time, no. The longer I spend trying to get aroused, the more paranoid I get that I’ll be walked in on—which obviously shuts any arousal down really quick. I live in a house where closing your bedroom door during the day is considered suspicious. My parents work remotely, so whenever I’m at home, they’re at home. On top of that, my brother’s room is next to mine. And staying up late also hinders arousal, since I just get tired.

3. Yes. Though I know fantasies are normal and very common, I still worry that mine are weird. The ones that are the most affective usually don’t involve me at all, which is kind of sad. I’m either a completely different person or not in the scene to begin with.

I don’t really think these are issues that can be solved at the moment, but it’s nice to talk (or type) about it anyway.