at this point does taking a break get any better

[iheartkena]

3 days ago, i at least started my break between me and my girlfriend because my mental health was so bad that every other day i felt unstable and was sobbing my eyes out. it doesn’t feel easy at all, it just feels overwhelming. we’re on limited contact while i figure out ways to regulate myself to the point where i can finally see myself as a person instead of just my girlfriend’s girlfriend or at least to the point where i’m not sobbing or occasionally lashing out because my head feels so unstable that my head is incapable of properly handling any sudden change or shift in tone or anything like that but the thing is everyday it feels so hard. even with a limited amount of contact where we talk for a little bit before i go back to my break everything feels hard because it feels like taking a break is the best and the most painful option that I can take. people around me keep on saying that breaks eventually lead to break ups and that i should be going no contact and it ends up making me feel worse because i don’t want either of those things. i don’t want to lose the precious girl that i’ve already spent half a year with god that’s the last thing that i could ever want. i’m just mentally exhausted to the point where i have to focus on myself and it hurts. when is this gonna get any easier?

[mikky]

Hey iheartkena,
It sounds like working on regulation skills is important. But do you have adequate resources to do that during this time? Has that been something you are pursuing, and do you have support and help in that?

[iheartkena]

i try reaching out from hotlines to hotlines every now and then because truthfully hotlines are the only form of support that i have. it feels like they’re only helpful for a short period of time until i reach out to them too much. i'm so frustrated and i feel completely alone because it feels like all people do is shame me for being a bad partner and call me abusive when i lash out after feeling overwhelmed or unstable or unable to think properly even when i'm trying to change and get help and even when i'm taking a break from my girlfriend for this reason, to try and regulate myself and to get better for both her and for myself, and it feels like nobody's helping me but myself and then when i try to reach out to any other hotlines they completely ignore the problems at hand that i go through and instead they make some sort of safety plan to stop me from killing myself. it’s so frustrating and it feels like nobody’s on my side or that nobody’s trying to help me actually recover

[amber]

Hi iheartkena,

I want to start by saying that people's assumptions or comments about "breaks" are not predictive of your relationship or situation. It sounds to me like this break is in order to work on your own mental health in order to live a better life for yourself and your partner - which sounds positive.

I am sorry that you have not found help through hotlines. I will say that the way hotlines are traditionally built are intended to help people in more emergent situations and less designed to help people long term. That type of support is best gained through a mental health professional like a therapist. Have you thought about what I'd look like to seek out this type of support?

[iheartkena]

i tried going to therapy. i wasn’t good at labeling my exact thoughts and feelings and so they just kinda assumed that all of my issues came from being lonely. and even when i tried to reach out to other people and i tried to make friends all of the stuff that I’ve been going through was still there. therapy’s never helped me with stuff and i don’t know how well they’d be able to handle a situation like this considering the fact that half of my issues are always swept underneath the rug whenever I try to reach out for support. i’m pretty much supporting myself and it feels exhausting

[amber]

I can hear the frustration with the therapy you've received in the past. The unfortunate (but also fortunate) truth is that it can often times take time to find a therapist or type of therapy which works for us.

I have personally been in and out of therapies for years before settling into something I found actually productive for me. I too felt like everything was on me and myself only to handle, but the truth is there are some things we need support in. Just like with our physical health, professionals sometimes need to help us within our treatment.

I still believe that the best way for you to work through these challenges is with professional support. Have you ever looked into different types of therapy that may work better for you? How about therapists in your area which specialize in teens or some of the concerns you are facing?

[mikky]

Just to chime in here, it sounds like you have been able to pretty clearly articulate an area you want support in: emotional regulation. Like Amber, I've also been in and out of therapy for years (actually, most of my life), and have had extremely varied experiences. Given how exhausted you are right now and how much mental health is playing a role in your relationship dynamics, getting better support is important.
While you are managing on your own, you might find some of the skills and resources on this site helpful:
https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/ . It is meant to be used as a supplemental resource to professional guidance, but I do think it can be useful to practice some of the regulative skills.

[iheartkena]

i don’t have access to professional support at the moment, and it upsets me because i know i have millions of problems that are being left unresolved because of it. the dbt website has been helping me but sometimes it feels like i still have those slip ups where i feel intensely guilty for thinking about or missing my girlfriend or needing limited contact while i’m taking a break even with all of the regulation skills i have. subconsciously i’m always judging myself in some way over the little things i do regarding my girlfriend especially while i’m on this break and i just don’t know why even when i get told that what i’m doing is okay there’s always a part of me that’s going to shame myself for feeling these intense feelings when i miss her and everything. of course i don’t feel as intense or as sad as i was feeling, but there’s still a part of me that feels sad and guilty and ashamed

[KierC]

Hi iheartkena,

Can you tell me a little more about what barriers you’re encountering when trying to access professional support? Maybe we can help figure out ways around it, because it is really important that this be treated within the care of a professional.

In the meantime, it’s okay if you still experience bad feelings and low moments even when you have these regulation skills you can practice. These tools won’t fix everything immediately, but if you continue to practice them and forgive yourself for tough moments, things can improve in time.

Is there anything you’re doing to try and give yourself some comfort during this time? Are you doing any hobbies or activities that make you happy, any self-care or reaching out for support from family/friends?

[iheartkena]

money, and every time i go to therapy i have trouble wording exactly what i want to say which only makes it harder for them to help me. i’m not so sure that my mom wants to take me to therapy again after the last time seemed unhelpful.

sometimes i have friends to talk to and sometimes I’m able to distract myself by playing something or watching a movie, but at the same time there’s this guilty feeling that sits in my stomach every day because i end up missing her. we talk a little more some days, but i still can’t hold up really long conversations without feeling overwhelmed or anxious or guilty about it. it all feels complicated to describe and complicated to feel and complicated to go through and sometimes that makes me feel worse even with all my regulation skills. i know i’m doing everything right and i feel happy with the way things are going between us and i definitely feel like I’m improving, i just get scared or paranoid sometimes that i’m doing or saying something that might set me back

[KierC]

Hi

I hear you, it can be really difficult to express exactly what’s going on when the feelings you’re having are complex. Have you tried journaling about this? I wonder if writing these things down, as you are here, would help you feel like you know what to say to ask for help.

Have you spoken to your mom about trying a different kind of therapy, as others suggested previously? Maybe it’d be helpful for her to know that there are different kinds of therapies that might be able to help you here.

I’m sorry to hear you’re carrying this guilt and sadness with you, I know it’s not easy even when you’re doing all the right things to help yourself. Can you tell me more about what you mean when you say you’re worried something you’ll do or say might set you back?

I’m also wondering if it might be helpful to read this article we have on our site: Getting Through A Breakup Without Actually Breaking

I know this isn’t a true “breakup,” but I keep thinking of this article for you and I think the advice might resonate a bit. Want to give it a look-through and let me know what you think?

[iheartkena]

it doesn’t really feel good thinking about this break as some sort of break up because i want to fully reconnect with her. i don’t want to lose her, i want to be good for her and i want things between us to go back to the way they were when my mental health felt stable.

sometimes i get scared that i might set myself back only because it feels like people all over are giving me mixed signals on how i should be taking my break or what’s good for me while i’m taking my break and it overwhelms me and makes me feel like no matter how i try to approach this, bad results are going to come to me. other times i reach out to her without realizing that i’m already overwhelmed and that makes me feel even more guilty. we still talk to each other and we still check up on each other, we just talk way less than we did so that i can prioritize on myself. that’s the way i want it to be right now. fuck sometimes i end up touching myself to some of her old texts that she sent me (which I’ve been doing before i went on this break, she knows about this). i just get so worried that something about that is wrong or setting me back because of what other people think and because i keepnon getting scared that old emotions from before my break to resurface and make me feel unstable again and i’ve been beating myself up over it in a way. i don’t know if that makes a lot of sense and i wish I could word that better, i’m sorry

[iheartkena]

in a way, i don’t feel guilty until people tell me I should be feeling guilty. i feel like I’m doing everything right until people tell me I’m doing everything wrong when in reality the things that seem like the right choice are only gonna wind up making me feel worse. that’s why i get so guilty mentioning how i talk to her still and how i still end up touching myself to her and that’s why sometimes talking to her can feel overly overwhelming besides for everything else going on with me. i want to make the right choices for myself and i know that how things are going feels comforting and right for me and not overly painful or stressful, i just don’t want to feel guiltier than i already feel for feeling this way during my break and everything

[Straif]

Hi Iheartkena,
I can hear that you're having a really rough time. As other folks in the thread have mentioned, I think it's a good idea to renew your search for local counseling services. That doesn't mean we can't help you navigate sex ed and relationship stuff, but like it says at the bottom of the page, we aren't a substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person professional. A lot of communities provide free or low-cost mental health supports for teens if cost is a barrier. Did you respond to Kier's question about talking to your Mom again? If you did, I must have missed it. If you don't feel like you can go to Mom, does your school have a counselor?

Now, about the relationship stuff: Even if it doesn't feel good to think about this as a breakup, you should take a look at that article Kier posted because a lot of what you describe is what folks experience whether their separation from an important relationship is temporary or not. It's okay to miss someone. It's okay to feel mixed emotions, including guilt and confusion. Having those feelings doesn't mean you made the wrong decision asking for a break. But it sounds like maybe those emotions are causing you to keep reaching out even if you know it's not good for either of you, right now. Is it possible that might be contributing to the negative feelings when you do talk?

As for masturbating to old text messages. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that because your fantasy life is your own as long as it doesn't have a negative effect on you or anyone else. In this case, it may not be the best thing for your current situation because it seems like part of what you're trying to do with this break is not focus so much on this one relationship, right? But the solution is definitely NOT to beat yourself up about it. Instead, it might be an opportunity to explore other things that bring you pleasure, including stuff that isn't sexual. You say you're able to distract yourself by watching things, sometimes, but looking at a screen isn't usually going to improve mental health long term. (In a lot of cases, it's the opposite.) So, what are other things that you like to do or have wanted to try? You mentioned struggling to make friends, and exploring new and common interests can be a great way to do that. Anything that can get you outside and get you moving your body are also going to be really helpful as you're trying to learn to emotionally regulate.

On that note, be gentle with yourself as you're working on emotional regulation. It's a struggle for a lot of teens because of where your brain is, developmentally, and you're not always going to say, feel, or do the perfect thing. You're going to make mistakes. You're going to have bad days. The important part is to take responsibility for your emotions and behaviors, which it sounds like you're really trying to do. One thing that's really helped me is using mindfulness practices. If that's not something you've explored with your previous therapist, it might be a good direction for future searches.

In the meantime, there are a few mindfulness practices you can try:
1. I'm a big fan of box breathing, where you inhale for four seconds, hold the breath for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, and hold again for four seconds. Different breathing patterns work for different people.

2. Another thing that I've found helpful is doing a body scan. With a body scan, you slowly focus on different sensations in different body areas, paying attention to if you're feeling tension and consciously relaxing each body part. There are a lot of good guided body scan meditations out there.

3. As mentioned earlier, journaling can be a big help. A lot of what it seems like you're doing here is getting stuff off your chest without someone who is going to judge you, but you can do that with a journal, too.