Sex for the first time

[Mishelle]

Hi,
I’m still a virgin and I’m turning 29 soon. I recently met a really cool guy that I genuinely want to have sex with for the first time.

I grew up in a country where we weren’t really taught proper sex education, so I never really felt like I knew enough about sex to feel comfortable having it. Now that I actually want to do it, I’ve realised that I have so many questions.

I’ve tried looking for accurate books, videos, or other resources that explain what actually happens during sex, what you’re supposed to do, how to communicate, how to make it enjoyable etc but I haven’t really found anything that gives me the kind of practical information I’m looking for.

I know sex isn’t something you can completely learn from a book, but I’d really like to educate myself beforehand because I want to feel prepared and actually enjoy the experience rather than go into it completely clueless.

I feel quite shy asking people I know these questions, which is why I’m asking anonymously. If you were in my position, what resources would you recommend for learning about sex, especially for someone who is completely inexperienced?

[Heather]

Welcome, Mishelle. I'm glad you found us (and glad you found someone you're sexually interested in!): you've arrived somewhere where we have exactly this information, sparing one caveat.

That caveat is this: there is no one way to have sex, or even no one way to have any particular kind of sex, like intercourse or oral sex, because human sexuality and human beings as a whole are just way too diverse for that. What one person likes can be radically different from what another likes, and how things feel with one person's body can be totally different for someone else, even if they have the same body parts and are doing the same things. So, there is never a "supposed to do" when it comes to sex. Ever. Instead, there's a "what do you and your sexual partner want to do" and "what you and your sexual partner uniquely enjoy" and "what feels like the right things for us to be doing in ways that feel right in this particular moment." We tend to find those things out by experimenting, exploring, and communicating.

That all said, I'd suggest the following pieces here to get you started on what you're asking about. I'm happy to keep talking about this, answering any questions any of these pieces bring up for you, and adding more resources as we go as needed. <3

• Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
• Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent
• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
• Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
• Reciprocity, Reloaded
• Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist
• Left Foot, Red, Right Hand, Green: The Deal on Sex Positions
• What Makes Someone Good in Bed?

And, a couple about sexual health, especially if any of the kinds of sex you want to explore involve STI (which any kind of genital sex does) or pregnancy risks (which penis-in-vagina intercourse does):
• All the Barriers! All the Time!
• Birth Control Bingo