Feeling like I'm not built for a relationship, wishing I didn't want to be in one

[braveSwordfish]

I've never been in a romantic relationship. Lots of crushes and unrequited feelings, one "right person wrong time" because I was convinced he didn't like me, and all the blues that come with those sorts of situations.

This past year, I'd been trying to work through all of that, and start looking for a relationship. I really struggled mentally with my time on the apps and after one date I spent the week dreading (and then bailed after an hour bc I was freaking out), I deleted all the apps and haven't looked back.

Still, I keep having feelings. Usually for people who are unavailable. I'm realizing that the level of emotional intimacy required for a relationship is kind of intimidating to me! And I think part of me worries that, deep down, nobody is going to like who I really am.

On top of that I'm kind of questioning/experimenting with my gender identity. It's not the first time this has happened, but it's adding another layer of...complexity. Not only do I have all this other relationship baggage to deal with (ironic for someone with no relationships to speak of), but now I don't even know what kind of guys would be into me; I guess bi/pan/omni guys, but I feel like maybe it's kind of reductive to need a partner with such a specific sexual orientation just because I have a vague gender.

Part of me wants to just toss the whole romance/relationship/dating thing out the window, but I do have to admit I'd like to experience romance and intimacy one day, even if it doesn't last forever. It just feels...impossible, you know?

I'd love some other perspectives or advice

[amber]

Hi braveSwordfish!

I hear you on the struggles you had on dating apps. I think you are certainly not alone with not liking them! Was there something specific that felt especially difficult?

It sounds to me like you do have a deep desire for romantic connection even with the challenges you are describing. Not feeling enough or worthy is hard, especially when you are experimenting with your gender. Do you have close platonic relationships or people in your life who already love who you are? I ask because there is nothing you need to do or change to understand that you can be loved/pursued/wanted besides open yourself up to connection of all sorts.

What do you mean about liking people who are unavailable? Putting yourself out there, and even experiencing rejection, is good and a part of the process of connecting with people.

I've been waiting to ask more about your fears on emotional intimacy. Is it a worry that once you are truly vulnerable, the person will not like you anymore? If so, that sounds like a deeper worry about rejection (which is ok!). Does that sound correct?

[braveSwordfish]

Hi there! Thanks for your reply.

I think just the whole process of the apps was tough for me. If I tried being selective, I didn't get any matches. I also found myself feeling kind of mean with how often I felt like I was swiping left, and rejecting people just based on a few pictures and such little information felt reductive. But if I tried to be more open-minded, I didn't often enjoy the conversations and was kind of overwhelmed.

I'd say I have a good circle of friends and family around me! I do sometimes feel like I have to filter or kinda change my approach for different groups/relationships, so I guess I'm not totally sure if I feel like all parts of me are completely embraced in every circle I'm in, but I think across my relationships I feel supported.

As for the unavailability, I think it adds a layer of safety for me. I found myself most intensely attracted to and missing the "right person, wrong time" friend I mentioned early right when he moved across the country and I knew that he wouldn't go for long-distance. I've also had a crush for years on one of my coworkers who has been in a long-term relationship for as long as I've known him and is trying for a baby right now, lol. Meanwhile, a friend tried to "wing-woman" for me with a guy she knew was available and I couldn't even open my mouth to say anything to him when she called him over.

And yeah, now that you put it that way, I think a fear of rejection is a big part of it. I've had one or two direct rejections and I really struggled with it (though that was back in middle/high school so maybe that's to be expected lol). Self-esteem is hard for me, and I guess my brain is trying to keep me from getting hurt even worse, you know?