Am I Experiencing Gender Dysphoria?

[Becky]

Hey Seraph!

I know these are arguably different topics but I can't help but notice that your concerns about whether or not you're experiencing gender dysphoria sound a lot like me realizing I was queer. Actually, I want to tell you a story.

A long, long time ago (10 years) I was a little 23 year old studying at the University of Amsterdam. Just for the summer. They had a summer intensive on gender and sexuality. I remember, in one of our classes we were talking about nature vs. nurture and I asked the question, "Am I straight because that's just what I am or am I straight because that's the only kind of relationship I've ever seen in real life?" (I thought I was straight at the time *cries*)

And oh. my. god. Looking back now the response I got from my fellow "sex educators" was SHOCKING. Literally everyone in that room said, "Oh honey. If you were gay you would know." LOL!

I know now that the term I was looking for was "compulsory heterosexuality". Which is a term that has been around since the 80s by the way!! It's a term coined by Adrienne Rich that pushes back on the idea that heterosexuality is the innate and normal state of being for humans. And it is shocking that none of the professors or other students intervened in that conversation. (And guess what? There is a similar term for gender! It's called cisnormativity. Basically, the assumption that everyone will default to the gender they were assigned at birth.)

So for almost another decade I thought, "well, that's that then. I guess I'm just straight." Because I didn't *know* with 100% certainty that I wasn't.

But overtime as I got older and more comfortable with myself (and learned more about queerness and other sexualities besides hetero) I realized that my classmates were wrong. How could I have possibly just *known* when everything and everyone around me was telling me that I was straight?

I don't know how some people do just know from a young age. In a lot of ways I'm very jealous of those people but I also know that everyone's journey comes with it's own struggles (as well as their own joys.) But that just wasn't my experience and it sounds like it isn't yours either.

Anyway, all of that is to say that my advice to you is that if you are even questioning your gender a little bit-- follow that thread. Because in my experience, no, cis people and heterosexual people typically *don't* question their gender or their sexuality. (They should! But that's a different discussion.) And it makes sense. If you fit into the box that society has put you in, you won't feel cramped. You won't feel squished and like you have to push against the walls and readjust to get comfortable, y'know?

And btw, lots of transgender people DON'T experience gender dysphoria! There's another term: gender incongruence. It means you don't necessarily align with the gender you were assigned at birth but you don't feel distress about it. But there's a disconnect. This is how I figured out that I wanted to use she/they pronouns. I don't mind being a girl at all but sometimes I'm just... not a girl. (But I'm also definitely not a boy.)

I know it's hard to trust yourself and your experiences. It's hard enough without everything around you (society) trying to get you to stop and just "be normal". I struggle a lot with self-trust too and I question my thoughts and my "gut instincts" a lot.

But I promise you, people who *aren't* some level of gender non-conforming don't get excited about being transgender. The same way that heterosexual women don't get excited about the thought of dating another girl haha~.

To wrap this all up, the most important thing here is that you don't have to know the answer right now. Human brains love a label and being able to categorize things (I get it, I do too.) But you are allowed to explore your gender and your gender expression. You're allowed to change your mind a million billion times! If growing your hair long and wearing lip gloss sound fun to you right now, go for it! If in a month you change your mind and shave your head, hell yeah! You're allowed to just explore and have fun and grow and change and evolve.

I don't know if anyone sent you these articles yet, but I wanted to offer these to explore:

Am I Trans Enough?
Gender Confusion: Being Unsure Doesn't Have to Be a Bummer

Let me know what you think about what I wrote!

[Seraph]

Thanks for the response.

What you said does make me feel a bit better. Specifically, I feel like I can relate to the gender incongruence stuff you brougth up.

I want to try experimenting with more things soon. Specifically I want try to actually get some feminine clothes. I was going to do it today however I didn't end up going because the weather was bad. Part of me was really sad that I didn't get to go to be honest.

I think a large part of me is scared about what happens if I am not transgender and what it could mean for the way I think about myself. I guess I don't really have a way of being more certain until I try more stuff. Thats why I really want to try new clothing as it is something that excites me and I want to see how I feel after it.

[char]

Sorry to hear about the bad weather, Seraph I hope you could try experimenting soon!

As for your last concern--there arre actually people who experience this. Initially they might think they were transgender, but over time they realized they feel better identifying as something else. People who do this are unfortunately used by anti-trans public figures as a "gotcha" towards trans people, as if everyone who ends up changing the way they identify and present will "regret" it. But in reality, most people who reorient their gender identity journeys do it because of societal pressure (i.e. because of people who sadly do not accept them), and they don't regret ever transitioning and/or identifying as transgender. In fact, many of them are upset that their stories are used to demean, shame, and harm trans folks. Just because they no longer identify the same way they used to, it doesn't mean they're the same as cisgender folks who have never reflected on their gender identity at all.

Ultimately, however you end up feeling about yourself is completely valid. You're not "weird" or that you "chickened out" if you ended up realizing that you weren't trans. The same goes to if you discovered you were indeed trans. And if you changed your mind someday, that's okay too. One thing's for sure is that you've discovered something about yourself, which is great.

[Seraph]

While I still have some doubts, I would really like to still try a few things out. I dont really have much more to talk about or ask about at the moment since I likely wont be able to get to a thrift store until next week due to my busy schedule which does make me pretty sad. Tbh I still dont know what ill do next outside of just trying on new clothes.