I’m worried my crush is obvious and making someone uncomfortable

[Asking Queries]

Hi everyone,

As discussed in previous posts, a few months ago, I met an indescribably handsome transmasc person at the LGBT center of my college. I’ll call him Tex so I don’t reveal his real name.

When Tex is close to me, talking to me, looking at me, etc, I cannot function well. I can’t concentrate on what I was doing or who I was talking to, I am intensely aware of his presence, my hands go shaky, and I smile and can’t stop smiling. I feel safe around him and remember the feelings and interactions fondly. It sometimes really feels like he’s flirting with me, although he might just be very friendly.
I am worried that I am making him uncomfortable with my reactions; with how obvious it must be (at least in my view) that I have an intense crush on him. I especially worry about the involuntary smiling,—one of the few times I have been sexually harassed involved a very creepy guy grinning at me. I’ve considered that he could simply avoid me or interact differently if he was uncomfortable, but that isn’t reassuring enough to me.

Complicating things even more, I asked him out on a date maybe two months ago, which he politely declined, and he is a student worker. (The boundaries at the LGBT center of when the student workers are on and off work are somewhat blurry, which can be confusing.) I haven’t tried to flirt with him since he decided the date offer, and never when he was working, but I sometimes say quippy things that may seem like flirting or which are probably influenced by my crush on him.

Aside from not going to the LGBT center—which doesn’t really feel like an option, because I have friends there and it’s a lovely and safe space for queer people—I’m not sure what I can do. As I noted in a message to a friend, “I can’t exactly say ‘you’re so hot that if you’re just being silly in your flirting, please stop, because I don’t function well around you, and that isn’t worth it if this isn’t going anywhere’, especially because I asked him out and he said he wasn’t interested”.

If anyone has ideas on how to deal with this, please let me know.

AQ

[Becky]

Hey AQ!

Crushes can feel so exciting! But you're right, it's important that we make sure that our behavior isn't affecting other people in a negative way.

If you asked Tex out and he said no, thank you, I think you need to take that at face value that he isn't interested in pursuing anything outside of friendship right now.

The feeling like you are flirting is a bit more complicated because I'm not there to hear what Tex is saying to you and vice versa. If you and Tex have a quippy, banter-y sort of relationship that can be fine! When you say something quippy to him does he keep the conversation going? Or does he like laugh and change the subject or stop talking? These can be communication signs to look out for to see if it's ok to continue or not.

If it's really too hard to find the line between flirty and friendly-- maybe it's worth a conversation? Like, "hey, so you probably know that I like you because I asked you out. But sometimes I still feel like we're flirting and it's a bit confusing for me. Can we talk about that?" I think you absolutely can ask someone to stop flirting with you-- for a ton of reasons! But definitely, "I wish you wouldn't flirt with me because it's confusing" is certainly valid.

Continuing to be flirty with him is also going to make getting over this crush that much harder.

Whatever you decide to do, I don't think you should have to stop going to the LGBT Center. That sounds like it's an important place for you. I think it's definitely worth finding a way to cool down the flirting with Tex so your crush on him can have some time to fizzle out. I don't want you to feel like you can't go to your safe space.

For what it's worth, I think it's really awesome that you asked Tex out! It's really hard to put yourself out there and be vulnerable like that. I'm sorry it didn't work out at the time but that was really brave!

We also have some nice articles about crushes if you'd be interested in some reading on the topic:
Quickies: Crushes
Puppy Love: The Do's & Don'ts of Crushes (With Help from a Very Small Dog)
How Do I Tell If Someone Is Into Me?

This one is from Teen Vogue, not us, but still a nice article!
How to Get Over a Crush

[Asking Queries]

Hi Becky,

When we banter, he definitely keeps the conversation going, although I’m not sure whether he or I initiates the banter more frequently. It’s a bit confusing in part because he’s very high energy and expressive, so it’s easy for me to get involved in something which isn’t about me, but which also isn’t not about me, if that makes sense. A few days ago he asked me if I wanted to play a game with him (I did) when I was just browsing on my device and not paying attention to him—so at least in my view, it’s clear that he’s not uncomfortable with interacting with me, even if he’s not flirting with me. (I have other things that reassure me of that, but that’s a pretty solid one.)

I think I might talk to him about it, although to be honest I’m not sure what I’d want to convey to him. You mention getting over the crush, but I’m not sure if I want to. I don’t have the sad pining feelings I get when I have a crush on a girl or some enbys, and I’ve recently gone from feeling like “I literally cannot do anything well or think about other things when he’s around” to something a bit milder and overall more pleasant. However, I don’t think he and I could be friends at this current level of me crushing on him, so that might be a reason for me to talk with him about it.

Thanks for the articles. I’m a Scarleteen nerd, so I’ve read all three of those, but the Teen Vogue article was interesting.

AQ

[amber]

Hi AQ!

I am glad Becky's advise was helpful. I agree that having that conversation sounds most productive for you, even if it is just that last bit of clarity you need!

Form what you describe, it does sound like he is wanting to be around you/grow that friendship rather than dismissive. I do think it makes sense that this complicates your feelings and a bigger reason to let him know how you are feeling.

Not wanting to get over the crush is ok. Do you feel prepared or at least comfortable with the different outcomes possible from the conversation? He may not see your relationship as being flirty - which may lead to you needing to set some boundaries, as Becky suggested. I am not saying you need to stress or overthink every outcome but it may be helpful to consider the different ways it could go so you feel better prepared.