Sexual identity, taboo, and literature

[BeepBoop]

Hi

I'm a teen who's currently in the process of accepting who he is. Actually, I have no idea, but lets just go with Bi.

I've been reading a lot of great coming of age books lately (Simon vs the homosapiens agenda, Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe, The fault in our stars, etc). All of them make me feel great, and I often find myself rooting for the characters. Here comes the embarassing part though, I sometimes get an erection while reading gay stories.

In my country, being gay is taboo. I know my family would disapprove of me being gay. I hate that.

[Sam W]

Hi AndrewBoop,

I'm glad you've found books that you enjoy and connect with! I do wan to say that there's nothing wrong or bad about getting an erection while reading them. It may be that parts of them are arousing to you, and there can also be times when erections happen for no obvious reason (you can read more about that here: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... _questions).

It sucks that you're living in a place where your sexual orientation is stigmatized. Is that a situation you'd like to talk more about?

[BeepBoop]

No not really to be honest.

What I do want to talk about is, that in the event I'm gay, how will I have kids.

I've always wanted to have kids. I just cant help but feel like I'm killing my children by being gay. (I know you dont technically choose to be gay or not, sucks nonetheless).

Covid really isn't letting me be in a relationship, which is quite sad because I feel like trying out relationships would give me a clearer view of where I stand sexuality wise. Maybe I'm just overreacting.

I'm just kind of hoping I stop liking the idea of other boys all together, because then I wont have to worry about coming out to people. And i wont have to worry about not having children. And i wont have to worry about people hating me for who I am. LGBTQ people really dont have it easy.

[Sam W]

Gay people can have children in a number of ways. For instance, a gay, cisgender man might use his sperm and the help of a surrogate mother to have a biological child (I actually know people who have done this). A gay, trans guy might decide he wants to become pregnant. And that's before we get to the part where lots of same gender couples choose to adopt children rather than try for biological ones.

In terms of feeling like you're "killing" your future kids by being gay, I encourage you to reframe that thinking. If we're going to be semantic about it, killing refers to taking a life that already exists, so you can't kill something that doesn't exist yet. But more than that someone choosing not to, or being unable to, reproduce isn't killing their future children. It's them making choices, or working in the constraints they're given, about whether or not to have children at all. Does that make sense?

Those hopes that your sexuality will just stop being what it is are common, especially for LGBTQ people living in unsupportive places. Are there things that you think would make it easier to be okay (or mostly okay) with your sexual orientation? Do any of those things feel like they're within reach?

[BeepBoop]

Heh, about the children thing I might have just been having somewhat of an existential crisis.
Sorry :3
But yeah, I totally get where you're coming from, there are other options, and many different (likely better) ways to approach the subject.

I don't know what would make me feel better, but I know I'm jealous of a gay friend of mine.
He's so... comfortable with himself, he's so good at managing his emotions and knowing what he feels. I'm really just wondering if it's because he's accepted himself, I don't want to ask him though- would be awkward lol.

Coming out doesn't seem like a good option for a few reasons to be honest.
1. I'm not even so sure about what I'm feeling
2. I'd rather keep my education safe.
3. Waiting might be the better option, because by the time I'm out of college the chances are I won't need my parents to survive. (just in case)

It's weird being in such an unstable place right now, I know the world won't end (probably shouldn't be jinxing it)
in my teen years, but it sure as hell feels like it. Maybe my world is kind of ending though, you know, the kind of world you only have when you're a kid.

I just want to thank you, and the rest of the team here for this website. I've actually stumbled here before while googling random sex ed questions. It's great having a lot of these answers compiled, even for questions I didn't know I had.

[Sam W]

You're very welcome, I'm so glad you're finding the site helpful!

Even if the world isn't likely to end, it can still be a place with stressful situations and difficult transitions. And it sounds like some of what you're feeling is in response to those. With your friend, it sounds like some of the jealousy might be coming from a feeling of it being unfair that he's able to be out or accept himself. And you're right, because that isn't fair. But the unfairness has nothing to do with him, or with you, and everything to do with a world where there are still lots of situations where it's not safe to be LGBTQ.

You mention asking your friend about his process of accepting himself would be awkward. Is that because he doesn't know about your sexual orientation and you're worried about revealing it? Or something else?

It sounds like not coming out is the safest choice for you right now, and your safety is the thing to prioritize. Do you want any resources on how to stay safe and navigate your sexual orientation while in a living/family situation where you can't be out?

[BeepBoop]

Hi, sorry for the late reply.

Yeah I'd like that a bunch, thanks Sam

[Siân]

Hey BeepBoop,

No need to apologise, the good thing about these message boards is that you can pause for a while and come back whenever suits you - we're always happy to pick up the thread.

So we have a piece that is specifically about living with unsupportive family in the pandemic, but it also applies more broadly:
This isn't going to be your forever
And this safety planning tool is aimed at people living in abusive situations, but is useful for anyone trying to figure out how they can find independence, especially the bits about money, making plans, and making sure you have control of all your important documents: Safety Plan: When You Live With the Abuse

Do you want to talk through how any of this might work for you? We can brainstorm some ideas if you like.