I can’t orgasm

[Almondcroissant]

Hi! I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost 6 months now. We’re in college and have sex (oral sex or with a vibrator) a couple times a week, but I can’t orgasm.
It’s not that she doesn’t eat me out well, she does, but I think I’m just very stressed about finishing. Even though I know that’s not the goal of sex!! At first I thought it was because I’m on SSRI medication which commonly decreases your sex drive, but my sex drive itself doesn’t really feel decreased. AND I can orgasm when I’m masturbating by myself.
I’m scared that the porn I watch, which always includes penetrative sex, is affecting my ability to orgasm irl with my girlfriend.
We haven’t tried a strap, but I’m very scared to as I’ve never done anything penetrative, so if you have any advice on that, I’d love to hear it.
I think I’m attracted to the idea of a penis though— as a body part. I like giving oral sex to my girlfriend, but I’d also like giving it to a dick… however in my mind it seems to be not attached to a man. I identify as a lesbian, but my attraction to dicks makes me feel insecure in that label. I don’t like men, but I want to suck a dick and give the person (I wish my girlfriend) pleasure from it. Which is another issue I have with strap-ons.
I know this was full of a lot of questions, but please help!

[Latha]

Hello Almondcroissant, welcome to the boards!

Don’t worry, this isn’t too many questions! I’ll try to address them one by one.

When people describe feeling scared of insertion, I think they’re often worried about pain. If that is the case with you, it might help to remember that it is possible to have essentially painless vaginal sex. Pain or discomfort isn’t something you’re required to deal with or push through, it’s a sign from your body that something needs to change. If you’ve never done anything insertive, I would recommend starting slow and small and building up from there - you could begin with a small toy or a finger (for the latter, make sure the nails are not sharp). Using lube can also be very helpful, even if you’re already lubricated on your own.

You could also try to change the words you use for this. You haven’t done anything wrong by using the phrase ‘penetrative sex’ but we often try to avoid it because it can have some… forceful connotations. Reframing the idea with gentler language like ‘insertion’, ‘intercourse’, or ‘vaginal sex’ might help make this a little less scary.

I can imagine why feeling attracted to penises might make you insecure about your identity as a lesbian, but I want to assure you that there really is nothing wrong with it. Individual body parts like penises are not indicative of gender, so being attracted to them doesn’t make you any less of a lesbian. There are plenty of lesbians who feel the same way as you.

I wouldn’t assume that your partner won’t get any pleasure from a strap on. For one, there are a lot of ways for toys to provide physical pleasure: some harnesses have pockets that can hold vibrators, and the way that a harness and strap on are positioned can stimulate the clitoris. You might also look into dildos that have two ends. Beyond that, a lot of sexual pleasure is about the mind, it is psychological. The experience of certain acts can be very pleasurable even if there isn’t a lot happening physically. Does this make sense?

I have a question: since you know orgasm doesn’t have to be a goal during sex, what is making you feel stressed about finishing with your partner? Has she said anything about this?

[Almondcroissant]

I think the frustration comes from the fact that I can make her orgasm, which makes me feel really good, turned on, etc. I want her to have that too.
I think that it’s also just embarrassing for me that I can’t. No matter how much I remind myself that it’s not, it still feels embarrassing.
The last time I talked to my partner about it, I told her about my medication that (I thought) was making it difficult for me. I haven’t brought it up again since then because i don’t want her to think it’s her fault I’m not finishing… since it turns out i can do it, just on my own.

[Sofi]

So I'll be honest here and say that it's likely the reason you're struggling is BECAUSE you're stressed out about it. After all, our main sex organ is our brain, so if we have a lot on our minds, are stressed or anxious, or are putting too much pressure on ourselves...reaching orgasm can be hard. I'm assuming when you masturbate, you're not as anxious about finishing and you don't feel any pressure or guilt if you don't, so it's easier. What I would recommend here is to try to take that 'goal' off the list entirely for now - just assume you aren't going to orgasm and be okay with it for now, and just try to enjoy sex without worrying about that. I know it's easier said than done, and it might take some practice. But often, when people are able to let go of the stress of wanting to orgasm, is when it actually happens. Being relaxed is very important, so do whatever you need to beforehand to make sure you are relaxed and warmed up (remember foreplay starts way before anything physical does- cuddling, massages, even conversations or walks together can all be ways to warm up and ease into a sexy mental space). Do you think this is something you are willing to try?