Uncomfortable with sex after pregnancy paranoia/mental breakdown

[table38]

I had sex with a friend a few weeks back which was fine, not the best as I'm still new to it & awkward, but nothing traumatic and at worst just slightly uncomfortable. My period showed up late afterwards and before it came I had very intense paranoia and panic attacks over possibly being pregnant. I wasn't, but that episode opened up the floodgates for more general mental health issues (and a breakdown) which I've been dealing with since.

Something I developed in the past week is sort of a discomfort around thinking about sex. Its a bit strange cause for the first few weeks I was totally okay with sexual topics, but now I'm noticeably more uncomfortable. This is distressing because before this, sexual fantasies and stories with those topic matters were very comforting to me, and a pretty significant part of my happiness. I'm trying to crawl out of a depressive episode and without that normal part of being happy, its been a bit difficult. Since my discomfort isn't super bad I've been trying to desensitize myself to this kind of stuff again (e.g. thinking about sexual scenarios while actively reminding myself its okay and I am safe), but I also don't want to accidentally traumatize(?) myself in trying to heal.

Any advice on how to become more comfortable with sexual topics after this? Or things to look out for so I don't hurt myself? I'm not looking to jump back into sexual activity, I just want to get back to being able to think about stuff like I used to.

[Heather]

Hi there, table38. I'm off the clock right now, but I didn't want to risk you having to wait until morning to at least know someone saw this. I'm so sorry that this is how you've been feeling.

We can talk in more depth tomorrow if you'd like, but for tonight, I just wanted to make sure that you have some kind of support you can call on as needed: is there anyone in person, or by phone, that you can connect with who you feel safe with and able to talk with? Maybe at least ask that person or people to check in on you over the next few days or weeks? Too, if depressive episodes aren't new for you, do you have a protocol that has worked for you in the past when you've found yourself at the bottom of one?

I do think that right now there's no need and maybe not a lot of benefit in trying to think about sexual scenarios on purpose if they are upsetting you. I think the grounding portion of that exercise all by itself sounds a lot better and probably more helpful and calming in the moment. This sounds to me like something where time will probably be the best helper, and some therapeutic support if you turn out to have a hard time turning this around, but again, we can talk about that more tomorrow if you like.

[table38]

Yes, I live with my mom and have a therapist I've been working with, this is my first depressive episode but it isn't terrible or dangerous to me, I've just been stressed about (mainly) school and any mental escape that isn't rumination over my upcoming assignments have been helping me not just cry all the time. (I'm still processing things properly and thinking about my feelings, just at some point the crying gets really excessive)

For the thinking about sex part, I'm absolutely going to give it time, I just often daydream to give my mind something to do and a lot of those involve sexual themes, so I've just kinda been left with nothing I usually think about, which is not the most fun to come back to after beating a possible rumination. I've been doing normal grounding exercises as well which I think have been helping. Sex isn't torturous to think about right now, just slightly uncomfortable, and easing back into thinking about this kind of stuff has been working a bit for me (pushing through a bit of discomfort before I can be fully comfortable is also typically how my mind works for most things as well). I'm also not doing this all the time, just in periods where I've been feeling better and want to try and make some progress.

I kinda just wanted to type this post out to see if it would help me process anything, or just get any reassurance. I don't really know, I'm in a strange place right now. I'm not trying to freak anyone out I swear I'm mostly alright and not in any danger

[lilikoi]

Hi table38,

I am glad to hear that you have support from your mom and therapist! Danger or not, depression like you're describing sounds so disruptive and painful and it just sounds like a really hard time for you right now. That really sucks that you used to enjoy daydreaming and now you can't as much.

I agree with Heather that time might be the best antidote for now. It is difficult to address sexual discomfort while you are not feeling like yourself. If you do want something to focus on, maybe you can focus on daily pleasures that bring you comfort. That way when you are ready to think about sex, you've already been practicing following pleasure. Any sensory things that you notice take some of the edge off? Maybe foods or soft blankets or warm showers?

Those things might not pull you out of depression but I think it's safer to follow what is working for you than to try exposing yourself to things you know make you uncomfortable. Sometimes your brain just needs a break from so much vulnerability and wants to wrap itself in comforts.

[table38]

Okay, I'll try to take it easy for now. I have been trying to relax in other ways and they've been helping a bit. I do feel like I'm slowly getting better, its just been taking a while

[Heather]

I'm glad to hear it.

What do you say to giving yourself a few more weeks, and without trying to think about sex (if it happens, it happens, but I mean forcing those thoughts on purpose), and seeing how it goes?

Mind you, we can still talk about this if you want and you feel like talking about it will be helpful rather than activating. If that sounds good, my instinct would be to talk about the experience you had and the aftermath and see if talking about it helps. It could be that a lack of really processing it might be what your brain is trying to compensate for here?