How does one manage lesbian sex when one partner has a penis

[leaflet owo]

This is a long one but some background would be needed

I am a girl. I might not have always known that, but now, at sixteen years old and for at least half a decade prior to today, I have. It is a fact that I am a girl. Everyone around me knows I'm a girl, and my parents and family support that I'm a girl. The thing is, I am a girl with an estrogen deficiency (who is now on estrogen therapy and has as much estradiol as a "regular" 12-year-old girl), a girl with somewhere from 265 to 923 ng/dL of testosterone in my blood, a girl with a Y chromosome instead of a second X chromosome and a girl who was born with a penis. Put whatever label you wish on that, but at the end of the day, I am a girl and I know that I am a girl.

Recently I met a girl, who likes girls, and who really likes me in particular, and who I like too. We hit it off really well——maybe too well?——because a week or two after we declared we both like each other and established a somewhat stable relationship (I say somewhat stable because liking girls is neither acceptable to her parents (well maybe to her mom but we won’t know until we ask, which would be hard (and maybe dangerous)) nor her culture, who has very strong (negative) opinions about girls liking girls (and guys liking guys)), we found ourselves taking turns pinning the other against the walls of one of our high school bathrooms and exploring what kinds of touches feel best underneath our shirts. (it was more of a room with solid walls and a solid door covering everything from top to bottom, not letting any curious peepers or nosy eavesdroppers know what was going on inside the stall (bad choice for a highschool, I know, which is why we took advantage of it), but it is small enough to be called a stall; let it be known we weren’t tossing around in a dinky highschool bathroom stall) I initially though, fell for her words, her personality and her way of carrying herself, (very proudly), and it wasn't until later that I found that she likes girls and that I was the one she liked too, and so our bond can go beyond lust reaching into intimate conversations about whatever we find ourselves talking about and making sure each is taking care of herself.

I really like that girl. Let us call her Janice, not because it is anything close to her name but because talking about "that girl" or "the girl" is kinda cryptic and annoying to me at least. It has been just about a month since we have been in this situationship limbo where we say we are friends and we agree we cannot date / we cannot come out because then a some guy is going see us together and tell one of Janice’s cousins who is going to tell one of Janice’s aunts who is going to tell her dad who is going to deport her. She has a big family, enough for a village (basically, we cannot come out because we might get caught which would be bad). It is a bit easier since we are girls, because we can get away with more stuff like holding hands in the hallways and resting hands on waists because more people believe that “girls are just more touchy with each other” or something like that. We love talking, from trivial to brain rot, to deep philosophical topics and just about anything in between. Out of all my relationships (which have sadly been many), I feel the most connected to her than to anyone else. I feel that this situationship thing could last us a year, hopefully, maybe two, or maybe even going into college. I yearn for her and she does for me. I want Janice to have me, as much of me as she wants; I want to give it to her. We find little niches at school because that is the only time we can be together to make out or run hands under the other’s shirt. She’s been very nice to my boobs so far, even though I have as much estradiol in my blood as a 12-year-old-girl (according to my doctor!) and can’t even fill a 30AAA bra, and I want to give her my vagina (which she would very much like). I think you can tell what my problem is. Apart from it being immature and irresponsible and all that junk to have some sort of lesbian sex adjacent in that bathroom stall, it is currently impossible for me to let her toy with my vagina, as it doesn’t exist. I do not want to show Janice my penis, and I definitely don’t want her nor anyone who aren’t the surgeons surgically removing and turning the penis into a vagina to be touching that penis. At least, I don’t think that I do. There is also the other problem of me hiding the fact that I have a penis to Janice, because I feel that if we want to get more intimate (which technically according to law we are legally allowed to do so keep that “irresponsibility” stuff to as much of a minimum as possible), we might need to cover that at some point in our situationship. But also, I love and truly appreciate how she thinks of me as a girl, not as “trans” or any other label like that, but as simply a girl I don't want her thinking of me as trans. She tells me she likes imagining what I’m like in bed and I really like how she thinks of me, as someone born with a functional vagina. I feel that if I were to be open to her about what is actually in my underwear, things might change.

How do I even approach this? We could keep ignoring it and I could keep telling her that I am extremely insecure about my genitalia region (which is not false) until I get it “changed” (surgically removed and turned into a vagina, which I would not tell her is what “changed” mean, but who knows how long that would take), and let her keep believing that I have a fully functioning vagina that can feel and react to things? I have told her I have an estrogen deficiency (also not false), explaining my undersized boobs and that I am on therapy to grow them out, but how do I even begin to cover this, this whole new problem?
I could also tell her straight up, but I like it so much that she genuinely thinks that I am a girl, and that she has fantasies about my vagina and I cannot imagine the dysphoria I’d get if she couldn’t imagine like that or think about me in that way or even have a miniscule part of her brain nagging at her any time she has those thoughts. What are the pros and cons of each side?
Does my first option really outweigh the other? I really really really really really really don’t want her to know about what is going on in my pants until I get it changed, and she does respect my boundary I’ve set about my genitalia region (no touchy), but maybe she deserves to know? But maybe I can change my genitalia region before we even get that far, and then she’ll never have to know. I might tell her a few months or years after I change it, but sgiufaegpsradp. This makes me want to roll up in a ball and flop to the side. not even cry, I just feel helpless in the situation.
How does one even manage this? A situation like this? Emotions like these?


Thank you so so so much for your time and patience with this whole rant, I really want to make sure I play my cards right and to get as many opinions as possible. Maybe some parts of my situation can help other people as well. I bid you fare well.

[Tara]

Hi, leaflet owo:

First off, I want to say that I am inspired and proud for your commitment to your identity! Also, I am excited for you to have found a new relationship. I can understand feeling confused about what to disclose when. While I can't tell you what you should do, I want to reiterate that you should make the choice that YOU feel most comfortable with right. If that means waiting to disclose your genetalia, I think that is the right decision for now. If it feels uncomfortable to disclose that at this point, then you should wait. And you can keep reassessing that decision as you go, as your feelings change, as you become more trustful in the relationship. I think you will know when you are ready to disclose. How does that feel to you?