I don’t want to seem like a poser, but also myself

[saltykale]

For a while, about a year maybe, I’ve identified as transgender and was out to a few friends. I had genuine feelings of discomfort in my body and desperately wanted to be a boy. I couldn’t wait to turn 18 to transition (my parents are very homo/transphobic and I learnt this the hard way of coming out as trans back in 2025). The problem I have is.. I have suddenly felt a shift in my gender feelings. I feel more insecure about my appearance rather than insecure with a feminine appearance, in fact, I want to seem more feminine (I look more masc cause of my face and body type). I’ve settled with a non-binary identification for now, the umbrella term, as i don’t have a specific label. Okay well that wasn’t really a problem, so the real problem is the friends im out as trans to. You see - they use my chosen name and pronouns (for when I was trans), they know me as trans, and they ask questions about me being trans (“will I get the surgery” etc). It would be SO embarrasing to just pull up one day with “hey, after a year of being a guy, im actually not, ok bye” and it’ll just make me look like I was posing for attention and “it’s just a phase” etc. I don’t feel comfortable with (name) and more comfortable with my real name now, and I don’t like it when people call me “he” “him” “man” “boy”. What should I do? (I’m also worried that my friends will mention it around my gf, and it’ll be awkward af, since my Pinterest prns are they/them so she knows but m friends don’t!!

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, saltykale. I'm so sorry that this all feels so fraught for you. I wish it didn't.

You know, ideally, if someone accepts that trans-ness and trans people exist, they also accept that gender is fluid and can change, including our feelings about it. Ideally, no one would expect that because you at one time felt like and identified as a boy, that's something you have to commit to for life, or that they should expect will never change. And ideally, no one will assume that you were posing or faking or being dishonest because your feelings changed.

Obviously, things aren't always ideal, alas, including people's behaviour. But I wonder if you can't think of at least one or two of these friends who would understand and accept everything I just said here, and to whom you could say, "My feelings about my gender have been fluid and changing, and I don't feel or want to present as masc anymore, I feel more <insert however you want to describe the current state of your gender here>." Can you think of anyone you could say something like that to who you think will respond with little more than a simple okay?