seemingly unable to orgasm?

[k.]

hi! i’ve posted on this site before but i forgot my user and login so i had to make another account

for the last few months i (16f) have been trying to successfully orgasm in masturbation. i do not have a partner, and i honestly can’t even insert myself into the fantasies i have because something always seems weird about it, which probably isn’t helping me but i thought i should mention it. i usually start with fanfiction that gets me turned on, and i use a vibrator after i put my phone down. it feels nice, like a massage, but i can’t keep myself focused on the sensation.
i have really really terrible adhd and i’m on meds to fix it but they don’t seem to help me much in this department, as every time i try to masturbate my mind immediately drifts to something else. i get songs stuck in my head, the mental scenario i was picturing stops to become me stressing about school, and i often get jumpy every time i hear a sound because i think someone has come into my room. i share a room with my older sister, we have three fans and a sound machine that makes it impossible for her to hear me, but every time i hear movement i think she’s awake and knows what i’m doing. i don’t have another place to do it, so my only option is to wait until she’s asleep.

i am also on SSRIs, specifically prozac, which i read can prevent orgasms in about 15% of people. i would like to hope that this isn’t my problem because the odds aren’t super high, but once again i thought i should mention it in case it helps.

if i can stay focused for just a little bit, i can focus on the good feeling long enough to get into it, but after a second i start to flinch uncontrollably away from my vibrator and i’m immediately back to square one. i don’t think i’m orgasming because i always feel unsatisfied after and the throbbing doesn’t go away. i’m getting really frustrated, and i know other people have this problem but all the forums i’ve read haven’t seemed to match my situation quite right.

i have a lot of stress, and severe anxiety and depression which is why im on SSRIs in the first place, but i’ve been told that orgasms can help relieve stress and tension which would be incredibly helpful for me. i don’t know what else to do and asking family members i trust and feel comfortable talking to about this hasn’t led to any improvements either. i’m starting to worry that i may be part of the 15%. if anyone has any advice that would be greatly appreciated, i’m sorry if i’m asking questions people have asked you hundreds of times before

[Latha]

Welcome back, K!

Okay, I'm hearing that we have a couple intersecting issues that are making it difficult for you to explore masturbation and orgasm comfortably: not having a space where you feel like you can relax completely, not being able to focus continuously, and the possibility that your medications might be affecting your ability to feel sexual pleasure in the first place. I'm sorry to hear about this tangle! We can talk definitely talk about how you might try to address it together. I have some questions to start:

I know you've said that you don't have another place to explore masturbation, but I just want to check to make sure we are not missing something--having some space to yourself seems like it really would help. Have you ever considered masturbating in the shower, or working around your sister's schedule to do so when she isn't around? (Would that be feasible?)

It is possible that your antidepressants might be playing a role here. If you haven't been on them very long, you might consider waiting to see if it gets easier to orgasm--sometimes, side effects do settle after a few months. But otherwise, it might be time to speak to your doctor about not being able to orgasm or focus. They could adjust your dosage, or suggest a regimen that is less likely to cause difficulties with sexual pleasure. Your doctor could also adjust your ADHD medication to make it easier to focus. What do you think of this idea?

You don't have to insert yourself into your fantasies in order for them to help with arousal, but I'm curious to hear if you have a sense of what feels weird about these fantasies. Does it just feel awkward to think about yourself sexually? Do you feel like this isn't something you should be doing?

[k.]

Hi Latha! Sorry for the late response, I’ve been super busy with school and honestly forgot I posted this haha.

The shower isn’t really possible for me, my shower is inside of my parents bathroom and the door on the bathroom is one that doesn’t actually close or lock, the only term for it coming to me is a cafe door, the ones that come up when you search that kinda look like it. I have tried working around my sister’s schedule, like when she’s at college and I’m at home or when she’s downstairs and I’m ‘napping’, but the uneasiness isn’t going away for some reason.

I’ve been on my antidepressants for a while now, since October if I’m remembering correctly, but this has always been an issue for me, even before I started these meds. I don’t really think changing my dosage is an option, I’m incredibly depressed and suicidal at times, as well as have very severe OCD, and these meds are stopping a lot of my self-harm related intrusive thoughts. We’re actually discussing upping my dosage with my psychiatrist, because I’ve been having almost daily panic attacks I can’t stop, and still have intrusive thoughts and other OCD symptoms that are deeply impacting my quality of life. As for my ADHD meds, I’m not really allowed to up my dosage any more for my age, and they do help with school, just for some reason never with this. I don’t know if that’s normal, but it’s starting to drive me insane because I seem to be able to focus on everything else but self-pleasure when I take them.

As for the fantasies thing, it’s not that I think I shouldn’t be masturbating, I think it’s more that I feel too young to be actually having sex with anyone and it makes me uncomfortable. I also don’t really have any crushes on real people, my main attraction is to actors that are like 30 years older than me and picturing myself with them feels very wrong given the age differences.

My family is very sex positive, and I’ve talked with my mom about some of these issues and she says I need to keep trying, but it honestly feels like nothing is changing. I’m not sure I have many options, and I’m considering just giving up altogether because of it.

I think I’ve answered all of your questions, I hope we can figure something out. Thank you!

[Straif]

Hi K,
Thanks for being here and thanks for your reply.

Before I say anything else, the first question that popped into my ADHD brain is whether there is any way for you to keep reading your fanfic while also using your vibrator? You might have to get a little creative, but it's worth a try.

I also want to reassure you that whatever you're fantasizing about isn't something to be ashamed of. Our desires and fantasies are our own, and only become a problem if you find them disturbing and/or you find them carrying over into real life in ways that could harm you or others. It sounds like your current fantasies might fall under the first category, and would only fall into the second if you find yourself considering acting on them. (Doesn't seem like that's the case though, so I wouldn't worry about it.) What might be helpful to you, in this case, are two of my favorite articles on here about
How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire On Your Own Terms and Undoing Sexual Shame

Let us know how those land with you and try to be patient with yourself in the meantime.

[k.]

hi again! i didn’t get a notification that my post had been answered and only just saw your response, but here are my answers to your questions!

i’ve tried to do it while i read fanfiction, and sometimes i can get really into it and it feels good, but either the fic ends before i feel anywhere close to finished or i just feel nice for a minute but it starts to be painful to keep going at the spot that feels good for my vibrator. i don’t know what an orgasm is supposed to feel like and i read a couple articles on here that say i might be having one and not know but im just not sure. my sisters and my mom have said that i would know if i did, and that it would feel really great when i was done, but now i don’t know which thing is true for me. every time it feels like i’m just giving up because i still feel sensitive and the feeling in my stomach doesn’t go away but i can do it for like 30 minutes and have no success.

on the fantasies thing, i’m not really sure if i would have as good of a time if i tried to put myself in it anyway. i get really hyperfixated on certain ships and the one i’m into right now is enough to get me like halfway there, especially if i try to see it as the woman in the fanfiction. honestly my only problem with the fantasy thing and imagining i am her is that there’s the realism factor and the fact that there wouldn’t be any vibrators or anything to use in their universe lol. do you think i really need to try and make it myself? like is imagining myself as her is what’s preventing me from finishing?

honestly i feel bad asking because i’m worried there isn’t anything i can do but change my meds which isn’t an option, but i’m still holding out hope that maybe it’s another issue or that maybe i am orgasming and don’t know. i’m not really sure. thank you so much for the help!!!

[Heather]

Hey there, k.

For right now, I was to focus on how you're using your vibrator, because I can't help but wonder if at least part of the issue here isn't about what's in your head, but about the way you're using that toy.

Often, if someone is using a vibrator by doing things like putting a lot of direct pressure right on the clitoral glans, or even the glans on top of the hood and/or on a very high setting, especially without some more general warmup, it can feel like you're describing, where things feel good but then like way too much pretty fast.

In terms of your genitals, have you tried starting without the vibrator and instead with just your hand or hands over a broader area, like over your whole mons and inner thighs, and sticking with stimulation like that for a little bit before yiu turn on the vibrator and start using it? And then, when you do add the vibe, have you tried being gradual with it, too, like by staying focused on your mons and outer labia and things at a low setting, then building up to both a higher setting and to more direct contact with the external portions of your clitoris?