feeling guilty over wanting to break up

[soundproof]

i am an 18 year old girl that just recently started university at a school around 45 minutes away from my hometown. after two months, my experience at school have made me realize that I am no longer wanting to be in a relationship anymore.

i have been dating an incredibly kind, smart, supportive and sweet girl for 7 months. we met four years ago in high school and about a year ago, we became absolutely inseparable best friends.

the spring before we came best friends, i not only experienced a falling out with a friend that i had considered a sister but i was in an absolutely awful funk due to experiencing emotional abuse by a teacher that i had trusted and looked up to. after that falling out i drifted apart from every single one of my friends and over the school holiday i fell into severe depression where i never felt lonelier.

when the school year started, becoming close friends with my now-girlfriend made me gain the confidence to reach out and asked for professional help with my depression. i was and still am incredibly grateful that enjoying my time spent with her led to me getting the help i needed. months later, once i was in a better headspace, i began to develop romantic feelings for my now-girlfriend. she felt the same way, and we started dating the spring before we graduated.

after graduating i decided that college would be a new start for me mentally. i wanted to strengthen my self-confidence and no longer maintain relationships with people from a time in my life where i was miserable. i have cut out people in my life where i felt like the relationship i had with them wasn't mutually beneficial. my girlfriend attends community college and we still see one another frequently. she still maintains friendships from high school, regularly texting/hanging out with them and attending events our younger friends participate in to support them.

for some reason, when she talks to me about these relationships i feel this intense loneliness that i haven't felt since the worst episode of my depression. even though in theory it doesn't bother me that she keeps contact, for some reason hearing about things, people, and drama that happens between people that i want to be out of my life bothers me a lot.

since i've gotten to college, i have never been happier or felt more fulfilled. i love my roommates, my major, my friends, and my gorgeous campus. i love putting myself out there and getting involved with campus committees and events. i'm thriving in college and i feel like i have grown so much mentally. despite this, my girlfriend still being involved with things happening at home mentally brings me back to a place that i don't want to be.

this made me realize that i am not feeling as much fulfillment from my romantic relationship than i'm feeling from my new life at school. i really believe that a clean break from everything before is what i need, and that's why i think i need to break up with my girlfriend. however, i feel guilty to the point of being physically ill when i think about the fact that i'm considering ending our relationship over something so trivial.

i have thought about this for weeks and i don't want to lead her on anymore because i truly do care for her. however, i've been putting off the conversation because i feel completely selfish for having these thoughts in the first place. i do not know what to do in this situation! do i power through my own feelings about past experiences and stay with her, or do i put myself first (in a way that feels really selfish)?

if somebody has any sort of advice for navigating this situation, it would be much appreciated. thank you so much and i apologize for the long explanation!

[mikky]

Hi soundproof, welcome to the boards!

To start, you asked if you should “power through” to stay with her, or put yourself first. I actually don’t think it is necessarily putting yourself first at all to call off a relationship you don’t want to be a part of anymore. Thinking of your now-gf, who is navigating being still at home and around the same friends and places, I bet it is complicated for her as well to watch you flourish at college- especially if she senses at all that when she talks about her current world, it brings about feelings of loneliness or upset in you.

And I don’t think these reasons to break up are trivial. It sounds like having her in your life was really wonderful and made for a massive and important change for you, and that can always be true. But you are in a new environment, and it seems like right now, you’d like to soak that up as much as possible.

During my first term in college, I broke up with my longtime girlfriend. It was complicated, of course, but if I remember correctly the main thing I felt was that I cared so much about them and I wanted to see what life was like without being in a super close, super engaged relationship- and, I wanted them to get to explore being not with me. And, all around me, other people were also breaking up with the people they’d been with in high school. IMO, it’s sort of an essential part of the first term at college. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still suck, or can bring up really difficult feelings, like guilt, regret, uncertainty, and just the gamut of breakup feelings.

We have two great pieces on breaking up:

How can I break up without hurting my boyfriend's feelings and ending our friendship?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?