This time’s Sexuality Confusion

[LopezMonty]

Im going to be blunt, here.
I’m attracted to pretty much all kinds of men except hyper masculine, super muscular or hairy men. I’m attracted to nonbinary people as well, in large part because I’m also nonbinary and so I find them really attractive. Androgyny is also a trait I really like.

For a long time, I thought I wasn’t attracted to women at all, at least not in any sexual way. But some soul searching, general interest in alternative forms of gender expression, and the Sailor Moon series have got me confused. I don’t know if what I feel is sexual attraction, but I definitely feel something for butch women.

It’s probably a waste of time to even think about this, since most butch women are lesbians and, while I’m nonbinary, I’m closer to a gay man than anything else.

[Straif]

Hi LopezMonty,
Welcome back! From the tone of your message, it seems like you maybe know that continuing to fixate on who you are attracted to as a way to categorize your sexual identity is not your best move. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but might you be feeling just a little more open to confusion and ambiguity? As we've discussed many times, you don't need to have it all figured out, and it's okay to be fluid in your relationship to both sexuality and gender. I think continuing to repeat that to yourself and build your tolerance for uncertainty could be really good for your confidence and, ultimately, help you be more comfortable with yourself in the long run. I saw your other post about continuing to have trouble connecting, and while I'll let someone else chime in on that one, I do think getting more comfortable with yourself will help you connect with others because it can make us more tolerant to risking rejection, which is necessary to building connections.

As someone who adores the portrayal of-- and here I'm making an educated guess Sailor Uranus, that character seems pretty consistent in terms of your attraction to androgyny and masculinity. And perhaps that portrayal resonates with you on multiple levels? Again, not something you need to have perfectly figured out.

Before I go, the one thing I'm seeing here that I hope you'll continue to work on is the self-defeating (and stereotypical) assumptions you're making around masculinity and lesbians. Relying on those kinds of culturally-based generalizations instead of focusing on building individual connections and seeing where they go tends to cut us off from people before we even begin. It makes me wonder if perhaps relying on those assumptions are serving a self-protective purpose for you? In other words, do you think it might feel safer to cut yourself off before you can risk rejection?