survivor help

[girlydani01]

hello i’m Dani.
so, i have a topic that may be a trigger warning for some people.
i am a 19 year old female. when i was 17, i was sexually assaulted. i’ve since healed emotionally and physically, and i have a boyfriend who loves and cares for me very much. he makes me feel safe and comfortable. so, i’ve decided that i’m ready to have sex. (we’re quarantined together)
my boyfriend has always been extremely careful with me so that i’m always comfortable. but lately, it’s been to the point where i want more from him and he feels scared to do anything more because of my past. it hurts that he’s scared to love me physically. i’ve been doing things that imply that i want to have sex. i’ve tried wearing lingerie when i’m with him, which only gets as far as making out, and saying i look beautiful. when i flat out tell him i’m ready to have sex, he says he’s ready too, then we’ll make out with some extra touching and things just... stop. he’s worried he’ll hurt me or trigger a bad memory. i want to ease into sex, because i don’t want to move too fast for myself either. if there are any tips on how to ease one another into sex, i’ll appreciate it. i want both of us to feel sexually satisfied.

[Mo]

Hi, Dani!

I'm sorry to hear that you were assaulted, but I'm glad to hear that you've been able to do some healing, and that your boyfriend is so loving and careful. It sounds like you've done some talking with him about how you feel, but that you're doing some things to imply what you want, and what I'd encourage you to do is see if you can have a more direct conversation about what kinds of sex, if any, you each feel like you want to explore right now and how you want to communicate your comfort levels with each other as you try new things.

I would try to have this conversation at a time when you aren't being sexual at all; that's going to make it easier to talk about what you might want to do without being distracted by actually doing any of it. I'd ask your boyfriend to talk a little bit about what he's feeling when he says he's ready for sex but doesn't feel ready in the moment. It sounds like at least part of his reaction is about worrying about hurting you, but there may be other things he needs, or needs to talk about, in order to feel ready.

In terms of "easing in" to sex, I think this is where talking about what kinds of sexual activities you might want to explore could be helpful. It could be that you both feel more comfortable starting with some kinds of sex and not others, and talking that through might make experimentation go more smoothly. Overall, though, I think moving from implying what you want to being as clear and open as possible, and hoping he's comfortable enough to do the same, will make it easier for you both to figure out what works for you.

[girlydani01]

okay so i just had a talk with him. he says that in the beginning of our relationship i was a lot more sensitive to his touches, letting him see my body, and similar things. so he had to build a wall up in order to make sure he wasn’t going too far. lately he’s been having trouble trying to break the wall down even though i am so much better.

i suggested we just go slow, have plain, regular sex, cuddle and talk before and afterwards about what we liked, want more of, and want less of. he said, “i want to have sex with you. but i don’t want to get caught up in the moment and say something or touch you in some way that makes you feel like i’m someone who’ll hurt you.” i almost cried when he said that.
do you think my past trauma has somehow translated into me traumatizing him? or making him scared of me in some way?

[Jacob]

Hi Dani! I don't think you've traumatised him at all!

We do I think, share in our partners problems a little, but sharing in unknown pasts and futures is also a choice that we enter into when we begin a relationship with or have sex with another person. It's not the same as having a traumatic experience which someone else caused.

It sounds like your boyfriend cares about you a great deal and is being careful, (maybe more careful than you're asking him to be) about causing hurt or releasing some hidden level of hurt that someone else has done to you.

I think a place your convesation with him could go would be to maybe talk about what would happen if you did have a flashback of some sort. It doesn't sound like you'd blame him for that happening, but I imaging there are some things you could need if it does occur. It might not happen now or ever, but it could be a comfort to both of you to have a plan.

This could include an agreement that should you go silent, or utter a safeword or even just 'stop', then everything needs to stop immediately. If being covered with a blanket or being held, or being left alone or being brought some water could help... planning it could be something else that brings you both more confident in your decision.

If it were to happen I think having a plan to ground us can always help.

I'm so glad you had that conversation though, much of what you said to
eachother sounds like it was generally rewarding. I think your suggestion of going slow and what you would like was a really good place to start and if you'd like to, it sounds like it could work for him too.

You're not asking him to protect you every step of the way through, but to share something trusting with an understanding that if things get dicey for either of you that you could and would care for eachother.