Losing virginity

[Emm5]

I’m a virgin and I was over at my boyfriend’s, we were doing anal since I can’t have vaginal sex due to religious beliefs.
So while doing it we were facing each other, and at one point he was thrusting so hard, it suddenly slipped and went over to my vagina, I jumped up and screamed, felt so much pain and I bled so hard even though I didnt feel it penetrate me.. it’s been 3 hours and I’m still bleeding.
Does this mean I lost my virginity? I’m terrified and in need of answers

[Mo]

Hi there, Emm5, and welcome to Scarleteen.

It's hard to answer questions about virginity, because it's more of a cultural concept than a medical one; there's no one universally-agreed-upon definition of what virginity means. If to you, "virginity" means "I have never had vaginal sex," then I don't think this would qualify; this wasn't a case of you choosing to engage in vaginal intercourse. I don't think it would be kind or fair to you to consider yourself no longer a virgin based on something that sounds like it was probably an accident, and definitely not something you chose for yourself.
Anal sex is sex, so if your understanding of virginity is based around not having sex at all, I think it's important to know and understand that you're having sex already.

(For some more information about virginity and how it's difficult to define, these two articles are great places to start: 20 Questions About Virginity: Scarleteen Interviews Hanne Blank and Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context.)

I'm sorry to hear that you're still bleeding; it sounds like this was a very forceful and painful experience. Hopefully you can talk to your partner about being more careful in the future, and he'll really hear and respect that. If you find that you're bleeding a lot for more than a few hours, then it's probably a good idea to check in with a doctor, and it's important to let everything heal, with no pain or bleeding for at least a couple days, before the next time you have any kind of sex.

[Emm5]

I understand that virginity isn’t just specified by “vaginal sex”, but this is how it’s defined in the environment I live in and the culture, despite my way of thinking is different.
The bleeding seems to have lessened since I’m laying down now, but I was bleeding clots at one point it was so scary..
I’m in need of a scientific answer, could this mean I lost my virginity or is it just an injury of some sort?
It’s kind of hard for me to go visit a doctor to check up I’m just praying it stops soon ..

[Sam W]

Hi Emm5,

The tricky thing is, we can't give a scientific answer to whether you lost your virginity, because virginity isn't a physical, scientific thing. It's just an idea. Too, if what you're worried about is something like your hymen being "broken," know that isn't a thing that can happen either. The hymen (or vaginal corona) is a flexible membrane that gets worn away by us just living our lives, not broken by a penis entering the vaginal canal.

Are you still bleeding now, or has it stopped?

[Emm5]

The bleeding has thankfully stopped right when I was heading to sleep and there’s nothing today but I’m still at a scare whether I’ll bleed again.
I’m planning to go for a checkup at the doctor’s just to get a peace of mind because what happened is just puzzling

[Heather]

You know, without warning and/or lubrication and wantedness, someone very quickly and intensely pushing something (like a penis) into a vaginal opening can cause injury. It's certainly not surprising that it hurt (this kind of slip tends to), and bleeding from this kind of injury, if you sustained one, would also not be surprising. If and when we are turned on, more blood is going to our genitals and that whole area, too, so heavier bleeding than you might expect can happen.

[Emm5]

I also thought about it this way, although we were both aroused but we weren’t ready for vaginal sex so it was super unexpected, I believe that’s why I bled so much despite not feeling much pain.
Well now I know for sure what happened I wish I was just being paranoid

[Michaela]

Hi Emm5,

I've been following your thread, and I am so sorry about all the distress that this situation has been causing you both physically and emotionally. I wanted to check in, were you able to go see your healthcare provider to get some of the answers you were looking for?

Sometimes it can take a while to fully process experiences like these. Do you feel like you have some closure about this experience now, or do you want to talk more about what the idea of virginity means to you, specifically moving forward within your cultural/religious context?

[Emm5]

Hi Michaela,
Thank you so much for your concern, I still haven’t visited the doctor, I’m currently trying to move on from what happened and fully process it, it’s like I’m in denial right now but I’ll definitely be going this week.
My boyfriend is being super supportive throughout this whole thing which is helping me alot both emotionally and mentally.
I don’t have closure yet although it’s all obvious.
My idea of virginity is that it’s something special to be experienced after marriage, as much as we always talked about having full-on intercourse while being so aroused but we never actually meant to do it. For me I didn’t want to experience it this way at all, my self-esteem hugely dropped, so many thoughts are running in my mind. Our relationship’s intention was marriage from the start and we’re deeply in love but now we’re going to speed things up even more because of this. I can’t tell anyone about what happened because in my culture/religion it’s something really huge and denouncing, I mean if our plans didn’t work out, I’ll literally be lost and I just can’t be with someone else again ..
I feel so messed up inside I haven’t even given the proper reaction to everything that’s happened.

[Carly]

Hey Emm5 -- This happened to a friend of mine in our early 20's, and she felt the exact same way you're feeling right now. She didn't end up marrying the person she experienced the accident with actually. It came up in conversation a few years ago and I asked her about how she felt about it now. She told me that she was very, very distraught and it made her question how she saw herself within her religion and its values about virginity. The thing that helped her make peace with it and alleviate the shame she felt was realizing that it was purely an accident, and her God forgives accidents, as well as already knows her dedication to her beliefs and her intentions. She told me that, to her, she still lost her virginity on her wedding night for that reason - it was when she willingly, consensually, and deliberately participated in vaginal sex. Does this resonate with you at all?

[Emm5]

Hi Carly,

Wow this actually relates alot .. This incident was indeed an accident and not in any way planned, so I guess I’ll be forgiven for what happened, I just pray it all works out for us and end up together
I guess I should think the same way too, as long as it didn’t happen willingly, technically I’m still a virgin

Thanks alot for your help “)

[Carly]

I'm so glad that helped, Emm5. I told my friend yesterday that I shared her story with someone and she'll be happy to hear it helped ease some anxiety for you.

[Emm5]

Yes it definitely made a huge difference for me, I’m doing much better now and things are almost back to normal, just a little bit of time and it’ll all be good

[Elise]

Glad to hear you're doing much better Emm5. If you have any questions or want to chat anything in the future, please don't hesitate to reach out to us here at Scarleteen

[Emm5]

I feel so lucky to have come across this forum. I’ll definitely be coming back here whenever I need answers or to just vent out.

[Michaela]

Hi Emm5,
I'm glad it was so helpful! Feel free to poke around some other areas of our site for more resources. At the top of the web page, you can see links to lots of topics (bodies, gender, sexual identity, etc.) with great articles and advice columns you might enjoy reading through.